.. savor the silence ..

being a mom is a bit ... difficult

2010-11-07T11:51:00.000-08:00

ok, so maybe the title is not the correct title that I was looking for because it does not hold true to all situations.: Sometimes being a mom is easy. It is always the BEST feeling ever. But sometimes being a mom is difficult when reality hits you and you realize that certain things have changed.

I knew from day one that now there would be a little person taking most of my attention from everything and everyone. And I was ok with that. I still am.

I knew that I would be making sacrifices. Meaning, I would probably have to give up clubbing on a regular basis (if I went clubbing that is), because taking care of her would become my regular.

I knew that I might even have to give up on some sleep. Luckily, Allie has been good to me. But I had been told so many horror stories that I had mentally told myself to prepare for sleepless nights.

I knew that I wouldn't be able to go everywhere like I was used to because not all environments are baby friendly. So I knew that either I would have to get a sitter or limit myself to how many times I would go to these places. Once more, a sacrifice that I was willing to take.

But no one told me that having a baby meant that it would feel as if though I had lost friends and even family.

No one told me that having a baby sometimes meant people would forget all about you all together and not even have the grace to come and visit her at least once.

So many family members gave me such a hard time to have a baby for many years. And now that she is here, it seems to be that no one is even bothering to take the time out of their lives to come and visit. And I will admit that it is sad...not so much for me (although I must admit that I am disappointed), but for Allie. She will know how to have her mom and her dad because we will always be there for her. But others... others come on a weekly basis, or every other month... or not at all. Or I have to take her to them because it seems that it is to much to come and see her. I am not saying that they should be here 24.7. I am just saying that an effort goes a long way. I haven't really seen anyone make an effort (besdies a few...not everyone has completely abandoned us :D )

It just makes me think... all that time that those people bitched about me having a kid was for what? If now that she is here no one makes the attempt to come and see her. They should have saved their bitching for a better cause...like why do hot dog bun packages never match hot dog packages?

...sigh...

maybe its post-partum depression. maybe I am being "emo". Whatever it is, I feel this way and let me tell you... it is not a good feeling to have. Especially since it makes me feel alone sometimes.

Thank God I have this little one to bring a smile to my face.

-enjoy the silence

Cin

and hello 2010

2010-09-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

ok so maybe I am a little late and all... it is September.
but bare with me. It has been a while since I have last posted and a lot has happened.

I just wanted to say hi. I am back. And I am ready to blog.
So welcome me. Love me. I don't care... I'm not going anywhere :D

get a room... preferably away from mine

2009-12-03T12:11:00.000-08:00

it was three in the morning when I woke up for the first time this morning.

no, I did not set my alarm off for that time.

no, I did not wake up because I had to pee.

and no, Mr. Tortilla Face was not stealing the blankets and leaving me to fend off the cold on my own.

there was a different culprit this time.

apparently, waking up at three in the morning to have sex is the thing to do nowadays. NO. let me rephrase myself - waking up at three in the morning to have sex and get loud so that all of the neighbors can hear you, is the thing to do nowadays.

don't get me wrong now, I am not one to cock block. If you have the place and the five minutes to spare, by all means "get yours." Just as long as "getting yours" does not involve interrupting the time spent between me and my sleep. Waking up at three in the morning to hear my upstairs neighbors' bed banging on our ceiling and them moaning and moaning and MOANING and MOANING... is a waste of my sleeping time.

Once my sleeping time was wasted by the surround sound filled porn going on above my bed, that put me in the best of moods when I had to wake up three hours later to get ready for work. (sarcasm. major sarcasm)

on my way to work I thought of what had taken place and how my ears were never going to be the same. Instead of getting upset with the neighbors (I mean I can't deny them from having sex), I turned my frustration towards our condo's architect.

Why in the hell would he think it was a great idea to build a bedroom directly above another one? Your bedroom is your space. You rest there. You wind down. You have sex with your partner, or with yourself. (no one is here to judge you) Why would that architect think it was a bright idea to share that space with your neighbors???

I bet you it was an older, conservative kinda guy that was so traditional that he never slept with his wife of 50 years. Instead they had their own twin size beds, a la "I Love Lucy" mode. Only putting their beds together when they needed to create another life.

Yeah, okay... maybe I am just being a bit dramatic. That is what happens when you don't get your sleep. Maybe I should just stop complaining and get into competitive mode. Show them a trick or two about beds banging and moaning.

Who am I kidding? I will be completely knocked out by three in the morning. And the only moan that will be coming out of my mouth is when I am competing with Mr. Tortilla Face for the blanket.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

I am thankful for this blog

2009-11-25T10:06:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving is here. yay.

Besides the obvious food coma that I plan on being by tomorrow evening, I am anxious because this means that I am off from work for the rest of the week. although I might have to work this Saturday, but lets not ruin this moment for me.

Work is fine. I cannot complain about it, even when I am having one of those days. My moods are just too high recently that nothing can drag me down.

But a little vakay from work never hurt anyone. :D

*** *** *** *** *** ***

Mr. Tortilla Face has had a cold for the past two weeks. It seems to want to go away and then comes right back to laugh in our faces.

He says I sleep like a rock, but for the past 4-5 nights I have been waking up whenever he coughs, sneezes, or pees. I don't like the sound of his cough. It scares me to think that it could turn worse or that he might choke while he is sleeping.

Since Mr. Tortilla Face is the most knowledgeable person out there - he refuses to listen to me when I ask him to take medicine. Or to stop drinking milk because it is only making the flem in his chest worse. Or to wear a sweater when he steps outside in the chilly, cold morning air. We were in Seattle (45 degree weather), and he thought he could prance around in jeans and a hoodie. Not even people from Seattle were parading the streets in this attire. Luckily I changed his mind and he wore a scarf and a jacket and thermal pants. But his cough... his cough refuses to go away.

Last night he doped up on Mucinex and before heading to bed he took some NyQuil. Somewhere in the middle of all of the medicine, he knocked out before I did and this is when I panicked. Here he was sleeping so soundly without a cough of sneeze nearby and I got to watch him. I eventually joined him, but my sleep was not as deep. Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night on my own wondering why he was still snug as a bug in bed. I did what any rational wife would do and stared at him trying to see if he was breathing. I wasn't convinced, so I shoved him. I needed to make sure that he was still alive. He turned his back on me. This happened at least two times in the middle of the night and early morning.

When I left to work, he stayed in bed all nice and warm. So I did what any concerned wife would do and called him to make sure that he had survived the night. He was doing better. He was well rested. Still with his cough, but at least with rest. I'm glad one of us got it.

*** *** *** *** ***

Speaking of Seattle. Holy shinanagans it was cold.

We lost. and that is all that needs to be said about that.

*** *** *** ***

I recently found out that an ex-friend is back to her old tricks.

She lied to me. Talked bad about a mutual friend. Lied to my friend. And then thought that nothing would come out of her lies. Well her lies are the reason why she is no longer part of my life.

She recently sent me a message on my messenger and talked to me as if though nothing had happened. I knew she was up to something, but wasn't sure what it was. She hasn't changed. It was smart of me to suspect. Her message was her way to seek me out and let me in on her life. maybe she needs a friend. Maybe she needed someone to bond with. She sent the message to the wrong person.

I wish her the best. I wish her nothing but happiness in her future endeavours.

I just don't want to be part of any of them.

I do not need her lies. and drama. and in a sense, her betrayal.

*** *** ***

another one of my passions is college football. well let me rephrase that. I am not a passionate fan, but I can watch a game or two.

I am a USC fan. Mr. Tortilla Face is a fUCLA fan. For those that do not know, those are rival teams. And this weekend is their rival game. I of course will wear my cardinal red and gold. Mr. Tortilla Face will wear his yellow and blue. We will hold hands and eat together. Enjoy the tail-gating and laugh at the college kids that are too drunk to realize that a game is about to start. But when it's game time the shit talking will begin.

He wants to bet that if the Bruins win, our first child has to be a Bruin fan. And vice versa. I am not a stupid better. I know that the Trojans are not the best team out there this year, so I would never take that bet. There is no way that I am putting my first born through that yellow and blue crap.

Whichever way, at the end of the game. One of us will have bragging rights. He will love me. And I might love him. (all depends on the game and how much shit he gives me)

*** ***

Did I mention that I went to watch New Moon? Because wow, I did. And let me tell you that I am so impressed. I wished that these same people would redo Twilight. I am curious to see how they would interpret it.

this movie has made some Team Edward girls into Team Jacob girls. Personally, I think "Jacob" is a hottie and all. But I can do without the werewolf loving.

Edward is different. He isn't all muscles and I am ok with that. I like his paleness and tall and lean body. The things I would do to that scrawny vampire.

I stick to my choice. Edward can suck me dry any day of the week. I can do without the bites from an overgrown and overly attached dog. (nothing against Jacob, but I am a vampire kinda girl)

***

I really do not have a grand finale. I just wanted to say HAPPY THANKSGIVING to everyone. :D Please enjoy. be merry. and be thankful.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

holidays are among us

2009-11-19T13:57:00.000-08:00

is it too early to start a Christmas list? because people are already asking me for one (yay! that means that I'm getting a gift.) and I haven't set one up as of yet. The truth is that I would take one of everything, but this info is not enough for the family. They want me to actually boil it down to a list. That is impossible. Christmas is just so hard.
I guess I am going to brainstorm. My lists have to be good ones.

Which leads me to Thanksgiving. How the hell can people expect Christmas anythings when this major holiday still hasn't come and gone???
This year will be spent with the in-laws. I wonder if I have to work the following day. I hope not because I just want to be in a turkey coma that day. Yes, the whole day. Me and my pajamas and my television. And an occasional "sandwich."

And then comes Christmas - back to this - at our place. This will be our first Christmas together. Well not together, we've spent about 11 of them together already. I mean in our own condo. Alone. With our own Christmas tree. Not sure how he feels about it, but I am excited. And let's face it, how I feel is what is important here.
I've been a bit bummed out these past holidays. Not sure why. But I have. So I am hoping that these turn out to be better ones. I think I deserve it. I've been such a good girl.

Now I guess I should really concentrate in getting that list going. I wouldn't want to disappoint people and not have a list. With pictures and sizes and colors. Don't worry, I will post one on here in case someone wants to be generous.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

lazy Sunday

2009-11-15T18:37:00.000-08:00

today is a day that I have been longing for for a long time. And here I am, still in my PJs, playing Farmville on facebook, watching movies on Demand, eating brownies that I baked yesterday... not showered. And all I really want to do is go out and get a dining room table and have a nice sit down dinner.

What is wrong with me?

I know that I should be enjoying myself to the fullest, and I am. hence the not showering part.

but I think that I have gotten so used to being up and about that it feels as if though this day could have been fulfilled doing something. (like getting a dining room table)

I think that as long as I get my good dinner, I should be ok. My day will not feel like if I completely wasted it.

***

on to other news - WE'RE GOING TO SEATTLE!!!!!!
ok so maybe this isn't something to write home about. I've been to Seattle before. And although it is beautiful, the weather puts a damper on things, like my mood. (I hear it is going to be 43 degrees while I'm there). Now I am a Cali girl through and through. A southern Cali girl at that. I am spoiled rotten with sunshine. So anywhere that requires me to carry an umbrella makes me a bit sad. Rain is okay, if I'm in bed.
I will not be in bed while in Seattle. I am sucking it up and dealing with the cold weather for one reason and one reason only. I'm sure that you guys do not know this bit about me, but I am a soccer fan. I happen to be an LA Galaxy fan. I happen to be a season ticket holder for the LA Galaxy. I even sit with one of the supporter's group LARiotSquad. see what I mean about me being a fan??? Anywho, so the Galaxy just won the Western Conference Finals. Which means that they are going to the finals!!!!!!!! Which means that I am going to the finals!!!!!!!! Which means that WE'RE GOING TO SEATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait until we go to the Market Place and eat those tiny donuts.

***

and moving along. Mr. Tortilla Face is playing Call Of Duty. He kinda sucks at it. But please, let's not tell him because he gets upset. I personally... would rather play my Wii and sing my heart out on Rock Band. I really am no good at fighting games. They make me want to yell at the tv. I can't even watch him playing it because it makes me want to yell at him and hurt him for not being any better. And of course, he just read what I was typing so he told me to stop blogging about his "suckatude!" not quite sure what that means though. nevermind, I just got a definition "it means to suck as much as a pornstar in a gangbang."

this is who I married.

***

and now to the last bit of story for the evening: I have a date this Friday. My date consists of me, my sister Banani, and Edward Cullen. He doesn't know that I am inviting her yet, but I'm sure he doesn't mind the audience. To those that are clueless as to what I am talking about NEW MOON comes out this Friday!!!
I think I am going to attempt to read the book before Friday. And watch Twilight the movie on Thursday so that I can remember his deliciousness (is that even a word, because it should be when you describe him) and have it fresh on my mind the following day.
I do not know how much I can accomplish in these days (I could have probably read a lot today considering that I was in my PJs all day) especially since I have this thing called a j-o-b that takes up my time from 9-5. Plus I have a husband that loves to be fed and I sleep like an old person now, so I need to be in bed no later than 10:30 or else I am an "epic fail" the following day.
don't worry though, the movie will not be missed for sure. that is a guarantee.

ok now to see what I can do about that dinner I've wanted. I promise to shower before I head to bed. But don't hold your breath on that one.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

are you a Dexter fan?

2009-11-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

so I've been watching Dexter lately. I knew it was going to happen. It was inevitable. But I prolonged my obsession for it simply because I did not want to buy the DVDs or pay for Showtime.

The truth is that I was obsessed before even seeing a single episode. Why you might ask? Well it is simple really. He's a serial killer. And there is a whole show about him being a serial killer and living among you and me. How could that not spark a bit of your interest?

Now before you think that I am this crazy person that wants your blood, let me explain to you my interest.

When I was younger I lived in South Central LA. It definitely did not have the rep it has now, but it wasn't a walk in the park either. Occasionally we would hear rumors that some bum had taken residency in the closest abandoned apartment. And at the time we did not understand why all sorts of people constantly came in and out of one apartment. Can one person really have that many friends? I now know that is what you call a crack house.

Anywho - there was a point to all of this - one night while I slept on the roll out bed that I shared with my older sister (her on one end, me on another), someone tried to break into our apartment. Our apartments were one-story with no bars on the windows, so they were easy access to anyone and everyone. My sister and I slept in the living room because my mom, step dad and newborn sister slept in the room. It was summer time and since I was blessed with asthma I slept with my head to the window.
Of course, this would be the point of entry for our intruder. So there I was sleeping. And there he was cutting a hole on the screen of that window big enough for him to crawl in. He didn't know that he was in for a surprise. I didn't either.
He put his hands on each side of my head and started crawling in. This is when I decided to wake up and stare right into his face. Now keep in mind, I am only 7 years old so of course I did what any other 7 year old would do - scream bloody murder. The guy panicked, grabbed the pocket knife he had in his hand and backed out. My step dad ran out of the room in his boxers with a machete and rushed toward the door. He had caught a glimpse of what was going on.
My mom comes running after him with my little sister, Banani in her arms.
I was curled up next to my older sister on the other side of the bed waiting.
After about 5 minutes my step dad came back and told us the guy had disappeared. This is when the interrogation began - no, not from the police. My family did not bother calling them. The questions came pouring in from my mom and sister and the neighbors my screaming had woken up... what did he look like? I described a Hispanic male. Thin. I could see his cheekbones. Dark, kind of long, wavy hair. Dark eyes. His nose stuck out and his breath smelled bad. My step dad said that he was fairly tall, but had only seen his back.
After that, our bed was moved into their room and the screen was replaced - no bars added.

One day after school, I came home to the news being played on the television. They had caught the Night Stalker - Richard Ramirez. As they reported his capture, they started to show his booking picture and I realized that was him. He was the one that had crawled into our apartment and had stared me down. I told no one.

Keep in mind that I was only 7 years old at the time. So there is a huge possibility that my mind associated him as my intruder because of what I heard about him and what he had done. There is also a possibility that it was him. I did live in the area that he roamed. Whichever way, I did not fear him. Instead it made me wonder why he would do the things that he was doing. This is where my interest came about. My interest started with him at that age, and it expanded to others after a while. I was curious to find out who these people were. Not what they had done, but who they were before that time.

This also started a routine in my life that I follow on a nightly basis - all doors must be closed. My closets, bathroom, and bedroom doors have to be closed or else I will not sleep. Mr. Tortilla Face thinks I am weird because of this. What he doesn't know is that my older sister has this same routine.

This is why Dexter was so interesting to me. I wanted to see how they would portray a serial killer to society through a show. And let me tell you - awesome show. Season 3 is kind of dragging, but it is a good show nevertheless. Mr. Tortilla Face now watches the show with me and thinks that because they are both white that he can be like Dexter too. Silly Tortilla Face. He can't even kill the crickets that sneak into our living room.

Oh but don't worry. I was not left with a complex. I am not on the verge of murdering Mr. Tortilla Face. Even though he constantly tells me that I will end up on Snapped. What he doesn't know is that I love the little effer too much, plus I can't stand the sight of blood. I'm a wimp when they are drawing my blood.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

birthdays. halloween. love.

2009-11-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

This weekend was spent with my two nephews – PichoPacho and Buddha.
These boys have grown up quite a bit since the last time I saw them which was my wedding. I finally get the saying, “they grow up so fast.”

We started out the weekend by heading to the L.A. Zoo. My sister lives up north, so she always takes the kids to the San Francisco Zoo and apparently they do not have an elephant there. This was supposed to be a treat for the boys. As soon as we are at the entrance gate we notice the signs posted up “PLEASE BEWARE THAT THIS SECTION IS INFESTED WITH THE NILE VIRUS. PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM SECTIONS THAT CONTAIN WATERING HOLES.” Awesome. We get to see elephants and walk out with a disease. Funny how they mention this to you after you have paid and have stood in line to get your ticket stub ripped. If you leave the line now you run the risk of looking like an ass. So instead you hold up the line while you contemplate what is more important - elephants or the nile virus. Of course, everyone behind you doesn't know what is going on because they still haven't reached the front of line and seen the signs. So they stare at you with those eyes. We are not scared of the Nile Virus, the swine flu yes, but not the mosquitoes. It still didn't stop us from freaking out every time a fly approached our personal area.

As soon as we met up with my nephews, the younger one (Buddha) states “Listen up everybody… tomorrow is my Happy Burthday (I did not spell this wrong, this is how he pronounces it) and you are all invited.” This bit of information also freaked us out because it was repeated about 425.3 times throughout the day.
From there we spent the day looking for elephants, gorillas, zebras, and the giraffes. The elephants were a no show. Apparently they are getting a make-over. And luckily, no one got stung by a bee or a mosquito so all went well.

Later on that night, the family joined us at my house and we got ready for trick or treating. We have not gone out trick or treating in YEARS! Buddha was his favorite – Darth Vader, while PichoPacho dressed up as a doctor. Since it had been years, we had forgotten what it was like. You would figure that it’s a simple task. You go up to a door, knock, say the magic words and VOILA candy would be handed to you. As an adult, this plays out a little differently. I was a bit embarrassed to go up to the door with my nephews. I felt like I was begging for candy and was using my nephews as bait. To top it off, my nephews decided to be picky brats. Buddha asked someone “you don’t have Kit Kats?” or he would walk away saying "they only gave me one at this house." Somewhere in the middle of all of the embarrassment and candy, we realized that although embarrassing this was a perfect way to pimp out the kids for our own candy and we started to hit all of the houses. If your light was on, we were going to knock on your door. The plan was perfect until the kids decided they were tired. The zoo had taken away their energy and they wanted to head home. Pfft. Kids.
We all made our way home. Them with their candy and us with nothing. It’s ok, I don’t need the cavities. But I would have taken their Hershey bars without a problem :D

Sunday started out as a busy one. We went out for breakfast with the other ladies of Mr. Tortilla Face's life – his mom and sister – at Roscoe’s. And then moved on to Buddha’s “burthday” party. He turned 5!!! And once more, we all got to hear all about it over and over again.

All of the family showed up. Somewhere in between the party we snuck the LA Galaxy game in and ate, drank, and enjoyed. Good times indeed. By the time the we were going to smash the candy (yes more candy) out of the piñata, my nephew was in instant birthday-boy mode. He started telling us who could hit it and in which order. This had everyone laughing even though he was being serious. And then came the gifts. Buddha sat us all down and let us know “ok, you can all give me my presents now.” Of course, he was being serious. Once he started receiving the gifts, drama-birthday-boy mode kicked in through his reactions. “This is what I’ve always wanted!!!” and “hold this” while he pretend-fainted. Once we were done he started to count to see who had not given a gift and asked them without hesitation. The boy meant business.

The weekend ended with PichoPacho, his dad, my brother and Mr. Tortilla Face playing FIFA 10 until their thumbs hurt. While my sister and I looked over my wedding album and Buddha slept on my bed. So peaceful. Finally.

I introduce you to my Buddha(not a recent pic, but one that definitely captures him in its entirety:

And his big brother PichoPacho (loving Mr. Tortilla Face):

What did I learn this weekend?

Kids are a handful, but I still want one of my own.

Kids grow up fast. I don't know how much longer I can continue to kiss and squeeze them without them squirming away and saying "no tia."

Smart asses start from a young age. I don't know where it comes from, but it's there.
Last but not least - kids keep you young. You become this baby-talker, oozing of love, full of energy, give me a hug kind of person when they are around.

So this blog goes out to my nephews. I do no see enough of them, but they will always be my little boys.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

hello it's me again

2009-10-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

So I have decided to re-evaluate this blog.

I know that I have been lazy and have not been updating you all about my fabulous life. But I have been reading the blogs that I follow. One of my favorite readings - Clever Girl Goes Blog - just recently did a sort of meet-and-greet on her blog. She asked her followers to leave a comment about themselves and to leave a link to their blogs. This is when I realized to myself… self, Tia might actually read your blog. So I freaked. And next thing you know, she goes to my blog and reads it and leaves me a comment. She has all those followers, and the fact that she took her time to comment on my blog made me smile. And then the freaking out came back.

What is my blog really about?

What is its sole purpose?

What is she going to think?????

Originally I just wanted to write and write until all of the creative juices running in me had been squeezed out. Then I realized that I liked those juices and got lazy. So my blogging slowed down. Then I decided to get married and that took a lot of my time because I planned the whole thing. So that meant that I only had time to wake up, work, eat, pee, plan, go home, sleep, shower, and start all over. Now I am playing the wifey role so I’m really consumed with someone other than myself. As Salma Hayek would say in one of my favorite movies “EXCUSES EXCUSES!”

The truth is, I miss my blog. As lame as it might be. And those juices of mine are not content. They want out here and there. I have been bottling them up and let me tell you, the mix is not a good one. So this is when the decision to come back and be part of the blogger world came about. With that came wanting to re-evaluate the blog.

Why Savor Silence? Why was that name even chosen as the title for my blog? Should I keep it? I think I mumbled about it in my first ever post. But let me just give a briefing. It is a play of words on one my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands. Enjoy the Silence – Depeche Mode. Get it savor=enjoy / silence=silence? I didn’t want trademark issues, so I changed the words on it. Now why would I tell you to enjoy the silence when coming to a blog that is full of words that are dying to be read out loud? The way I interpret the lyrics are that sometimes words are not necessary. They can ruin moments, memories. Sometimes it is best to just enjoy what is right in front of you – silence – and embrace it.
So why involve this into my blog? I am one of many words. I talk as much as I type. I have been told that I am a chatterbox on more than one occasion and by more than one person. So why tell you to savor silence? It is simple really – when I read, I involve myself into what I read. Everything else becomes blurred. Even if music is blaring or if the television is on – it is me, what I am reading and the silence that surrounds us. I take my reading seriously. I might laugh out loud or even shed a tear, but the silence remains. And I like it. It is my time. That is what I am hoping people feel when they read my blog. Silence, them and my never-ending words, drama, vents, rants. And hopefully they enjoy it enough that they decide to come back. So the name is sticking. Even if my reason behind it sucks - the song is awesome!

And now what to write about… should there be a recurring theme? Should I continue my constant rants and nonsense?

This one is actually kind of hard. Although it would be great to have 425.3 followers, it would be even better to have a place where I can get those juices flowing and out of my system. Even if they only make sense to me and only me.

There are many sides to me. Sometimes I am on the jokester side. Sometimes serious. Sometimes I lack patience. Sometimes I talk a lot of shit. Sometimes I am sweet. you get the point... So when I express myself I do it depending on what I am saying, feeling, and whom is on the receiving end. I did not want to limit myself and force myself to act like just one part of who Cin is on my own blog. So I have decided not to. I am going to be me. I will write about what is on my mind – maybe less bitching. MAYBE. I will try to step back and look at things through other’s eyes. Although, this is not a promise, I mean my eyes are pretty, why mess that up? Most importantly, I am going to be more consistent. Blog often.

Let’s see how this second round goes. For those that enjoy it. Thanks. And please come back again.

hopefully Tia will be one of those ;p

Enjoy the silence
-Cin

i know. i know. my blog is going to be lame right now.

2009-10-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

Life has been good to me recently.
Some predictions that I had are coming true and I am sad about some of them. Others don't matter.

Married life has been great for me. I still do not see this difference that everyone warned me about. “things are going to be so much more different.” I've actually stopped wasting my time and looking for it. If it comes, then I will handle it then and there. For now, I am enjoying the ride. And let me tell you, the ride has been a good one
Mr. Tortilla Face has helped me out so much that I want to laugh at everyone that thought I would be the slave of the house. I admit that I clean up for the most part – although I admit that is me wanting to be in control of things. But there are days when he blows my mind. Like this past Saturday, I took a nap and when I woke up to clean up after having played hostess to three grown men - the cleaning had been done. Dishes in the dishwasher. Counters cleaned. Trash in the trash can. Amazing. And last night, I finished folding and putting up the laundry and fixing our bedroom and I walked to the kitchen to clean up from cooking dinner. The whole time I thought he was being a bum watching Monday Night Football...and I was wrong.The dishes were clean. The stove was cleaned. The counters were cleaned. The trash had been taken out (with news bags put in). And he even served me my nightly glass of water. Too sweet right? I couldn’t ask for more… actually, I am sure I can. But right now I am content.

My only complaint is the fact that we are always so busy. Since the wedding it has been nonstop on the weekends. I would love one weekend of staying in bed or in the condo with nothing but our pjs on. I just want to veg. I have a feeling that things are only going to get more hectic these next months so we need to make sure that we find the time. This weekend he promised me Disneyland so let’s see how that goes.

I haven’t really hung out with friends like I used to (except for BelBivDivoe, we still hang :D). Before the wedding, some friends sort of got busy. They are apparently still busy. Some are in school, some are married, some live too far, some have their own things going on. Whichever way, it has been a bit lonely on that end. I miss one in particular and mentioned it recently. But the comment was sort of dismissed due to another conversation we were having. Le sigh. I can't force that issue. So we will just have to let it play itself out. One thing is for sure - I will not be the only one to look for time.

Other then that - that is all I have. I told you it was going to be lame. And now, to eat my pollito con papas.

Enjoy the silence folks
-CIn

to be a cin or not to be

2009-09-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

I think I am having a Cin moment. Not really sure what that means, but I am having it.

Although things are good now with being married and all – I am unhappy. It’s not really any one thing that is happening. And it isn’t something someone is doing. It’s just me I guess. Something in me is not content and so it is throwing everything off. And I want to make it better, but I have no idea what it is so nothing is changing.
I suck sometimes.

In other news, I now get to play HGTV and organize the condo how I want it. Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy. I have ideas in my head. Now I just need to see them play out. I think that I will tackle our bedroom first. No wait – the living room. Yes, the living room will be the first thing to be adjusted. Or maybe I will do a combination and tackle them both. My point is that I am itching to get going on it. We will wait and see how it all turns out. Maybe I will post pictures.

People still continue to ask me if things are “different” now that I am married with Mr. Tortilla Face. And even though I tell them "no" with a smile on my face they continue to try to scare me. “ooh, just wait a bit longer and you are going to see how it is to live with him.” “right now you are still at the newlywed stage. Just wait until you realize that he takes smelly shits.” “it is too soon to have an argument with him, but wait until you do. You are going to be glad that you have two bedrooms.”
Honestly people… let it go. Ok so I have never lived with him. And obviously we have to make adjustments. I do not doubt that things will be different, but honestly the transition and the adjustments have taken place and have been painless so far. Nothing has really changed.
His smelly shits – I have never sat in the bathroom with him while he is taking a shit (nor do I ever plan on doing this), but I am sure that if his shit is as smelly as his farts… then I’ve been there and done that.
After the amount of time that we have been together and spent together, we have had our fair share of arguments already. Mr. Tortilla Face has done some stupid stuff in the past (once I threw a tuna sandwich at him because he was acting so awesome), but we worked things out that same day after we cleaned him off of course. So I am more than confident in knowing that if we were to have an argument right now we would treat it just like every other one and talk things out. I do not believe in walking out and away from the situation. I do not plan on changing this now just because there is an extra room. Problems are to be fixed instead of being left up in the air to see if they will solve themselves. Communication is key in all types of relationships. So come on arguments, come join us for a day. I promise to keep the tuna in the can.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

did you miss me? I missed you =)

2009-08-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

So I am back and I am tired. I cannot seem to get me into work mode.

Enough of the small talk, lets talk about what is really important - my wedding =D
The wedding turned out just as I planned. Nothing came out wrong at all... Actually, let me take that back. We almost had a mishap with the seating arrangements. Mr. Tortilla Face Sr. complained and bugged me so much about making sure that he was not near the ex, that it jinxed him. The restaurant changed the table arrangements on the day of and put their tables next to each other. Ha! Luckily a food fight did not break out and I did not see any evil glares, so there was no need for a ref to step in. Other than that, it all worked out as I planned. I really had a good time. And everyone has complimented everything. They said it was all very classy. Yet fun and upbeat. And everyone has raved about the food! And how beautiful everything came out.

My only complaint – it all went by too quickly. Don’t get me wrong, I remember it all. I just wished it could have lasted longer. I wish we would have all hung out after the wedding. (even though I knew they were just as tired as I was) I wish that people could have stayed another day instead of rushing back home to the daily grind. Which leads me to something else …
I know that all of our friends and family (well except for Papa Tortilla Face) let us be afterwards for our honeymoon. But honestly being together for as long as we have been, the whole idea of going on a honeymoon was a bit off for us. Our time after the wedding and away from everyone was great. It was relaxing. But it was just like all of the other vacations that we had taken. So there really wasn’t anything that made this time stand out more than the rest…besides the fact that we now had the title of being husband and wife.

Now that I have come back, it’s still been just me and Mr. Tortilla Face. I have tried to say hello and start conversations with some friends and have either gotten no replies, or short messages. Do they hate me now because I am married? Lol (kidding. Just being dramatic) I did ask a close friend of mine why she hadn’t been in contact and she said it was because “I was still on my honeymoon stage.” What exactly does that mean? I didn’t even classify our honeymoon as a honeymoon, so I wouldn’t even know what the honeymoon stage is supposed to be like. Am I missing out on that feeling? Naw. I loved the time I spend with Mr. Tortilla Face alone. And now I love the fact that we will have more and more vacations and time spent together as husband and wife to look forward to.

I guess I will get my friends back when this honeymoon stage is over. Hopefully it’s over soon because right now it just seems as if though I have the chicken pox.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

this is where I've been

2009-07-30T12:20:00.000-07:00

ok so I have been missing in action lately. really its ok. the world still survived without me. crazy right? If I was part of this world, I wouldn't survive without me.

moving along -- well I knew that I would be MIA cause of the wedding coming up. but the truth is that its not the wedding that has kept me away. The wedding is set. ready. paid for. and LET'S FREAKIN' GET IT OVER WITH status.

its our condo that is taking up my time. I am a worry freak. I admit it. I get stressed QUICKLY.

we, or should I say Mr. Tortilla Face, has taken the process of moving out and moving along quite slowly. He has things packed and ready to move in, but has not moved any of it. It is just sitting there. ready. waiting. I have things packed and ready to be moved. And due to the fact that he is not making the time to move... they are sitting there. ready. waiting. And now all of this waiting is coming back to bite him in the ass. Which means that my ass is being bitten as well.

The only thing I have to blame, which is not really holding is back is painting. The place was ready to move in, but being the picky bastard that I am, I wanted to change the color of the living room and master bedroom. Last night the painting on the last wall was done with and I started doing a little dance...at least until I opened the door to the closets in the master bedroom. They are still the original color of the room - yellow. My dancing stopped.

Me: Babe, we still have the closets to paint.
Mr. Tortilla Face: it's just the closets!
Me: but they're yellow...
Mr. Tortilla Face: no one is going to see it hun. let's not worry about it.
Me: But I am going to see it and it is going to drive me nuts until they are painted.
Mr. Tortilla Face: fine...

Am I being a pain? Probably. But the truth is that it will drive me nuts if those damn closets stay yellow. I will not be able to sleep in that room until they become part of the rest of the room. Sad to say, but I am being serious. Did we paint them last night? No. But we will. Oh we will.

Having said that, the bridal shower took place. FUN TIMES! Big thank you to his mom and sister for throwing that party =D
Now its the bachelorette party and then the wedding. Did I mention that things are a bit hectic?
Sometime between now and all of the events we have set up in between and the wedding, we have to move in to that condo. I think it will happen by this weekend, but what do I know. I am just the crazy one that wants her closets to match her room.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

the best thing in my life is not you

2009-07-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

I have had a good run so far with what is pending in my life. Or at least I would like to think so. What with the whole wedding planning. And the friends turning out to be flakers. And with the family stressing me out. And with work being work. And with me trying to maintain my cool (which I think that I am doing a great job!) And with me moving into my new place. Things have been good. Not smooth, but ok.

I am beyond thankful for that.

***

In other news, MJ is being put to rest today. Finally. I don't think I can comment too much on this because enough has been said by everyone else. Yes. I am a fan. Yes. I own a record of his - vinyl. Yes. I also imitated his dance moves when I was younger along with all of the other kids on 45th & Normandie in LA. And yes. Like many others, I am sad to see such a great artist go. There really will never be another that will ever come close to replacing him.

***

moving along. Mr. Tortilla's Face mom asked what kind of cake I liked. I said none - maybe just chocolate. Because really, cake is just cake. I hate the frosting on it. Maybe if it was just the bread part and it was a moist bread. yummy. Anywho- back to topic. So she offered to make her very own chocolate cake, that I personally love love love. So that was exciting.

and then his dad bought a suit. Which I chose. And he made it a point to tell me that he was only wearing the "monkey suit" because he liked me.

wow, a cake and a monkey suit being worn all for little ol' me. I feel special. :D

now if I can only get him to stop asking me over and over again if I am going to make sure that him and his wife are not sitting near his ex-wife. Does he really think that I would make it awkward?

***

somebody made a comment to me, about me, that has been stuck in my head ever since. I am not quoting word per word because I honestly don't remember it. But the comment made was that I was realistic about things, but sometimes tended to lean towards the negative side of things.
hmmmm
this made me think. because it is what I do. I think. I analyze.

I don't see myself as a negative person.
realistic - yes.
open to both the negative and positive outcome of things - most definitely.
I know for a fact that if something is going on in my life, I think about it in every angle possible. Like I said before, I analyze. I throw out the "what if" scenarios in my head. I talk to my friends about my scenarios and always include the good and the bad. realistically, you cannot have one without the other.
I always hope for the best, but I prepare myself for the worst. Why - because I think it is good to be realistic and to see that things are not always going to work out no matter how much we want or need them to. This is part of life. I know this so well from a lot of past experiences. Plus, how does someone prepare for the best coming your way? If the good is going to come, you don't sit at home and prepare yourself by practicing the joy you are going to show when the best comes. It just comes and you enjoy it.

I believe in "things working out for the best" but know that they might take a while before they do. Let me explain in a scenario: If my job were to let me go. I would be prepared mentally. I would be bummed for sure, but I would push myself up to get going once more. There is a reason for me being let go. That is how I would see it. So although I might have a couple of months were I am down in a hole and things are not looking so good, I will eventually find my next stepping stone and move forward. Things will work out. Just at their own pace.
I prepare myself by being open to the possibility that I might be let go today and that I might not find a job by tomorrow. I know that there is the possibility that I might find something soon, but since I do not have control over it, I prepare for the worst so that I am ready to face it mentally. What good would it do me if I was in a hole because something fell through and then I would get depressed on top of it?

Why do I do this? Why not just let things ride their course? Why analyze and think of the negative scenarios, when things might just end up working out? It is simple really: I do not want to lose hope and faith. I do not want to be disappointed in my faith if things fall through. I have been disappointed in the past where I almost lost faith in everything including life. During that time I hoped and prayed for things to work out for the best. They did work out, just not the way I imagined they would. I bounced back from that experience, like many others, but it allowed me to open my way of thinking and truly realize that things will work out how they are intended to and they might not always be what I had in mind. So I had to be ready for anything that life threw my way and just have faith that there was a reason for it all.

So do I see myself as leaning towards the negative aspect of life at times? no. not really. I see myself as being realistic.
am I upset that this person made this comment? no. not at all.
I saw it as an opening to reflect on who I am now and how all of the experiences that I have been through have helped me become me. definitely not perfect by any means, but willing to take on the world one day at a time regardless of what it throws at me.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

we might have a bleeder here...

2009-07-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

ok so this might be one of those TMI kinda posts, so if you do not want to hear about periods and other stuff like that this would be the time to stop reading.

ever since I can remember I have been on bcp's. I am sure that you have heard all kind of stories from other people that have taken them. and if there is one thing that I have found out is that our bodies all react differently to them. I have known girls that have become nauseous from taking them. I have known some that have gained weight from them. Others lost weight. Some lost pimples. Others gained hairy pits (yes hairy pits).
anywho, I have decided to share my story with you because I care. Don't worry, my story does not contain hairy pits.

I will soon get the title of being a wife, and to that list I also want to add mommy. which means that no more bcps for me. YAY actually that yay does not really do it that much of justice.
true the bcp's did their job BUT man... I am more than excited to be off of them.
Do you know how hard it is to remember to take them at the same time?
Do you know how much it sucks that I gained weight? and now I have to lose it!
Do you know how much it sucks that now that I stopped taking them there is no telling how long my body will flush them out of my system and I am able to start being a mommy?
And let me tell you that I've been on them for such a long time that I almost forgot what it was like to get my period. For once in a very LONG time... I have gotten the PMS symptoms; you know all the fun ones: bloated, cramping, back pains, tender boobs. And now that I have my period... it is an actual period and I hate it! I wish it would go away.

Will I go back to the bcps to make the bleeding stop? probably not. I am sure by next month I will be ok and adjusted. But today, just for this week or however long it decides to remind me what a period is supposed to be like - I will secretly miss my bcps. just a little bit.

told you it would be a bit on the TMI side.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

where did they put my keys???

2009-06-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

Be warned, the wedding is getting near so I will most likely be ranting and raving about it in these next posts.
Today you get a combination of both. Lucky right?

Sometimes I wonder what the hell can possibly drive a bride-to-be to be so stressed out about her wedding when it is supposed to be “the happiest day of our new lives.” After being the MOH of one wedding, doing extensive research (watching wedding shows), and now being a bride-to-be -- I am now completely convinced that the bride is not really a bridezilla (unless she really is a bitch and just wants to get things her way regardless of how it gets done). I am now starting to lean towards the idea that these brides are driven to bitch mode because of other powers to be. In most instances, these powers to be are driven by the lack of assistance/support/commitment by others.

I have said this before and I will say it again. True, it is not your bridesmaid’s/MOHs/family member’s wedding… it is yours. The stress and planning really falls on you. They are just supposed to be… the support column holding you up and hopefully helping you smile and maintain your sanity. They are not to be blamed for not being as excited as you are when you show them the favors that you have picked and purchased. It is your vision not theirs.

I have pretty much planned things on my own. Mr. Tortilla Face chose the cake, but everything else was me. Yes, I am proud :D

Now that I think about it, I really would not want it any other way. I am too anal about doing things a certain way, so if someone else would have helped me write the names on the invites all sloppy and half-assed I would have been slightly pissed.
Knowing that I tend to be anal about that stuff, I prepared myself to handling a lot of stuff on my own. I figured that if I handled things myself then I would not get mad at someone else for not doing it how I wanted it to be done, which means that no one would be calling me a bridezilla and none of my friendships would be falling apart AND most importantly, I would be a happy bride-to-be!!!!!. (wow, that was a run-on sentence) Honestly, I did not mind doing it on my own. I gave myself enough time so that I would not be stressed and cursing the world for not creating an extra 4 hours in a day.

BUT
(there is always a but)

I chose my ladies according to what kind of friendship I had with them. I wanted girls that I had a strong bond with or that I knew would make me smile when I needed a pick me up. Now I have come to find out that because I have been easy going and am not really requiring much from them, some of them and some family members, are pretty much on their own schedule. They have their own ideas of when things need to be done. And others – don’t seem to have a clue. This is what is bumming me out. Some have flaked on me. They have forgotten important dates (like going to go get their dress). And some of them, even though we have discussed these dates over and over again, seemed to have forgotten these dates completely and have made other plans. Seriously WTF?!?!?!

This would drive anyone mad. The people that are your support column are not really being that supportive. Which in turn drives you nuts and puts you in a bad mood. Which in turn makes you turn into bridezilla and you start acting all emotional and crazy. Which then leads you on a manhunt for anyone near enough to vent to which is most likely your significant other. Which in turn means that you MIGHT take out some of that frustration on them and you MIGHT push them so far on the other side of the bed that he starts to ask himself, “what happened to the girl I fell in love with?” Which in turn makes you second guess a lot of people and sometimes even yourself. whew.
I am lucky. I have not pushed Mr. Tortilla Face away… yet. We are still on great terms. I cannot say the same about how I feel about some other people though.

I also now see why some of these “bridezillas” put their ladies on tight leashes. I can understand why some of them tell their bridesmaids how to do their hair, make-up, shoes, chones (panties to you English speaking peeps). And I can see why some of them get so involved in their bridesmaids’ lives that they pretty much run their calendars. Although you might come off like a bitch, at least the bridal party is doing what you want because you are controlling them! And yes, they might want to give you the finger or throw a rock in your face by the day of your wedding, but at least your wedding will be how you always wanted it!!!! The day is important to them and in order for them to have that day go by without a hitch, they have to control things. Because let’s face it, the day is not as important to the rest of the world. And not everyone will do things as told no matter how many emails you send. So although you are not their mother, you have to sort of treat them like a child and tell them what to do.

Or you can always go my way and be easy going and end up in my situation where I am ready to make the bridal party just ordinary guests so that I do not have to get upset.

Note to future bridesmaids out there: get a calendar and follow it or be succumbed to the wrath of a bridezilla.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

and then there were 2

2009-06-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

today is the start of a new era. my ears will no longer bleed.

on to something else... this is my 100th POST.
how exciting right? well to me it is.

so in honor of it being my 100th post, let me just brief over what makes Cin smile:
mr. Toritlla Face
good friends
Disneyland
Edward Cullen
my family for the most part
my nephews with a cherry on top
mr. Tortilla Face (comes in again)
Robert Pattinson (he he he)

and this is what has made up my posts for the most part.
well besides the ones where I just ranted about random bullkaka.
and then the ones where I was moody (or angry) and I thought I was going to strangle someone.

so here is to 100 more. I do not promise to change my style of blog. and I also do not think that I am going to be the next BIG thing. But I do want to say thanks for those that came along. thanks.
and for those that started reading and then thought what the hell is this girl's problem???. well good riddance and good night!!!!!

enjoy the silence
-Cin

today I signed my life away

2009-06-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

although I should make the time to blog here about certain things that are going on, I don't happen to have the time at this moment - SO just a quick rant:

do you agree that your personality can be affected by your astrological sign? I am not sure what my conclusion is... but

I am a Capricorn... according to all of the books, and the wesbsites that I've read - I am true to what they say that I should be like. Yet, I have come across others like Mr. Tortilla Face that are complete opposites of what they are supposed to be like. "Aries - spontaneous, active... Tortilla face - I don't think that he can even spell spontaneous."

BUT my rant comes from people telling me that YES, your astrological sign CAN INDEED AFFECT YOUR PERSONALITY.
I know two people - for the purpose of this blog, one will be ass, the other will be hole. put them together and they become an asshole - that blame their personality on their astrological sign. These two happen to have the same astrological sign, and when put together... they become so annoying that there is no escaping it. They obviously do not see this and in turn think that they are wonderful, righteous, and that the world revolves around them. Pretty much, they love each other and portray it by Ass always telling Hole how wonderful they are. And vice versa. Nauseating.
Now normally, this really doesn't matter. A person will be who they are regardless of how much I bitch and cry about it. But these two talk about their greatness so much and how their greatness comes from their astrological sign, that I started to question it. I went online and searched their signs and yes, there were some similarities. Then I compared them to other people that are of the same sign and I saw the difference. It turns out to be that not everyone of that sign is an ass or a hole.
Those two just want to blame their ugly attitude on their sign and end up giving it a bad rep. I almost fell victim to their lies and was going to start hating their sign. Good thing I took the time to do research and figure out their lies. They are assholes because they are assholes. And although it is who they are, it is not because they are a Taurus, or a Libra, or a Leo.

so there it is folks. If you have been branded by websites and books as being a spontaneous and adventurous person that loves the outdoors... don't worry. You do not have to live up to those standards. You can sit at home and watch TV and no one will know that you are defying your astrological sign. So Mr. Tortilla Face...take out the control and enjoy being you. As for Ass and Hole... I am now on to your evil tricks!!!

enjoy the silence
-Cin

LOOK. I'm on HGTV

2009-06-02T17:27:00.000-07:00

wow.

so Mr. Tortilla Face has finally realized that a lot of shit is about to go down. (not like in the alley, with knives and bats, just a lot of stuff that we normally do not have on our calendars) I have been telling him over and over again that we are going to get busy very soon, but he never pays attention. and this weekend he said to me

Tortilla: I think I am going to need a calendar.

Me: why is that?

Tortilla: man, I have so much shit lined up, that I need to make sure that I don't agree to do something with someone when I already have stuff going on with others.

Me: hahahah I told you.

Tortilla: I know, but I thought you were just trying to scare me.

so the truth is that we have a lot of stuff lined up. I have June and July only and then all of the planning and all of the headaches will come to an end. Right now, I have to make sure that I get my calendar organized. And then I have to make sure that I follow that calendar. And then I have to make sure that I stay sane in the process.

one thing is for sure, this whole process has allowed me to see a bit more of what kind of person I am. I have learned to be a bit more patient with others. I have learned that I bend over for others sometimes...when I shouldn't bend too much. I have learned that I am stronger and am able to handle a good amount of things on my own. I have learned that I am organized. I have learned that my relationship with Mr. Tortilla Face is awesome. I have also learned to take a step back and have told myself that this is my wedding. The excitement within me is not the same as what is within everyone else. And that is ok. So I do not hold this against anyone. (except for Mr. Tortilla Face... he better be ECSTATIC!!!!!) I just want my closest to be there with me =)

the one thing that is bothering me is the people that are flaking on me. I do not like flakers.
People have known for months when activities will take place, and yet they have made other commitments. People have told me that they want to be included and when I ask if they want to come along to whatever new adventure I have lined up, they already have other stuff planned. so instead of getting upset and getting wrinkles (like a friend of mine said), I simply move on. the organized part inside of me has sent out emails to keep everyone up to date with what is going on. I ask personally if anyone wants to join me. If someone commits or volunteers, then I stand by their word and expect them to be there. I know that sometimes things come up that force you to change your plans, and that is ok. But unless they tell me that the plans have changed, I figure that they will be there. if they flake, then I just move on and go on my adventure by myself. I cannot get mad every time. I cannot pout. I want to enjoy this as much as I can. So I cannot focus too much energy on the flakers. And I don't want to be labeled as a "bridezilla" so I don't make a fuss. BUT I do remember. I do remember who did stick by their word. And that makes a difference in how I view people in my life.

so to those that are flaking on me now please get a calendar. Google offers a great one. Please be like Mr. Tortilla Face and get organized. June and July will probably be busy months for me. And to those that made the commitment to be there ... hint hint: these are the months that you want to make an appearance. I will be ever so grateful. Even if all you are doing is standing around and making me laugh.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

pro8, prop h8, prop l8, prop w8 <-- how clever I am.

2009-05-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

before anyone goes around yelling at me, please know that this is not meant to defend prop 8 nor is it meant to protest against it.
As a matter of fact, I am not even going to tell you what side of the line I am on. I simply want to share an observation, so if you are close-minded STOP READING NOW!!!

---
There is the group that is against it. ...PSAs have been made. Flags have been waved. Rallies have taken place.

And then you have the ones that are for it. ... Actually I am not sure what they have been doing, but I am sure that they are out there as well trying to get their point across.

---anywho... back to my point. there is one I promise.

One thing I have heard from the ones rallying against it is "equality for ALL of us"
just today, Ellen DeGeneres said on her twitter "Gov. Arnold S. said he voted against prop 8 and knows that one day it will be overturned. Thanks for being a governor to ALL Californians." yes, I did just quote a twitter.

so here is where my observation starts. my questioniong, my need to rant...

if you reject prop 8, are you really being equal to ALL?

Right now, the ones against prop 8 feel that their rights are being violated and that they are not being treated equally as Californians and as US Citizens. Their "lifestyle" (as it's called) is not being recognized by the government.
Now if you were to reverse the proposition, would the ones that are for prop 8 feel that their rights are being violated and that they are not being treated equally because the government is imposing them to accept this "lifestyle"?
And going even further to what Ellen and others have said...(although to me Arnold is a joke and I really don't care if he goes back to being the Terminator), do the Californians that back up prop 8 now feel that he is not their governor because he made that comment? does that in turn make Ellen's comment a false one because he is not being the governor of ALL Californians?

my observation:
the government is backed up against a wall, or getting really close to it. who does it side with?

the people have spoken and prop 8 was passed. And although there was a group out there that spoke against it, its voice was not heard because the majority drowned them out. whether this proposition stays as it is, or the minority turns into the majority and eventually overturns it... there will always be a group of Californians and US Citizens that will feel as if though they are not being treated equally. The government will never be able to be the government for ALL of us. History proves that time and time again, rallies have taken place. Rights have been fought for by a group of people that feel that they are being treated unfairly. It is our right to speak out.

to me, the real question is: is California... and the U.S. ...really ready to accept this "lifestyle" as part of society and recognize it as an equal?
The votes show that the last time California was asked... the majority said no.
But hey...there is no need to lose hope. Don't forget how far we have come. In case you've been living under a rock this year, I have one word for you: Obama.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

you learn a lot about others when they learn to shut up

2009-05-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

so I was in Vegas this weekend with my MOH. good times. I did not expect to make it an "OHMYGOD-WHATHAPPENSINVEGASSTAYSINVEGAS-GIRLSONLY" kinda trip. It was just about the wedding. So we relaxed a lot. Gambled a little. Drank a little (oopsie, but I swear it was a little, not even worth mentioning) I had fun. And I accomplished plenty.

having said that - holy crap, time goes by FAST. please month of June go a little slower, I still have some things I need to do. Don't let July come by so quickly.

*** *** *** *** *** ***
in other news - Mr. Tortilla Face was left with a list of three things that he needed to accomplish while I was away - he accomplished none of them. that is why I love him.
BUT he did take me to Yoshinoya when I came back because he knew that I was hungry and I love that place. score one for him.

*** *** *** *** *** ***
I think I will make an alias and make a new blog. One where I can say as I please. Because this one, although I rant and all - there are limitations. I hate limitations. who knows. I am too lazy to think about it right now. let alone come up with one.

*** *** *** *** *** ***
I have a lot on my mind right now and want to say so much, but like always I wouldn't even know where to start. So I won't. Let's just leave it at the fact that I am questioning a lot of stuff.

*** *** *** *** *** ***
I dreamt that I was having a baby the other day. So real. So nice. It was a little boy. that is all there is to that. no need to elaborate.
I am now... off to enjoy the holiday.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

stars when you shine...you know how I feel.

2009-05-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

someone asked me today - if you had a lot of money and did not need to get a paycheck, would you still work?

my first reaction is hands down HELL NO!!!!!! I have been working ever since I can remember. Why not live off of that money for a bit? It would be so awesome being able to lay out under the sun and enjoy it. Or taking my dog out for a walk and then stop for some Pinkberry. Because you have to have Pinkberry if you're walking your dog. They have water bowls outside of their shops. Who can resist that? And then there's naps. Who doesn't enjoy naps???

and then the ADD kid inside of me says... hey get off your ass!!! I would go insane just being at home and doing NOTHING. I would probably go out and get a job just to keep myself occupied. It really is hard for me to sit at home for a week. It drives me insane. This girl was not raised to be a stay at home spirit.

but who am I kidding... staying at home. in my pajamas. sigh
why not?
maybe I could get a part time job doing something that I would have fun doing - like at a pet shop. Or in a book store. Just so that I can release some energy and so that I could feel as if though I contributed to society. and by part time... I mean 2 hours.. of course.

ah to wish.
ok back to reality - 9 to 5. mon-fri. semi-corporate America. paycheck to paycheck.

what would you do?

enjoy the silence
-Cin

marichui is my hero

2009-05-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

I am mad.

I am happy.

I am sad.

I am excited.

all in a time span of two days.

you might think to yourself "self, Cin is bi-polar."

well guess what self... I'm not. true story. it's just my life.

let me explain.

I am mad at the fact that I have had a headache for about two days now. No, I am not on my period. Yes, I am blaming it on life. I will explain in the "I am sad" section.

I am happy because every time that I do something that is wedding related - like reserve rooms, or buy my name card stuff, or glitter (kidding, there will be no glitter), or sashes for my ladies - it brings a smile to my face. so much stuff has been happening lately, that it has not allowed me to really enjoy the fact that my wedding is slowly, but surely creeping up on me. This once more is life's fault. It throws plenty at you sometimes and keeps you occupied. You tend to forget to smell the roses, or to say "thank you" or "I love you." so recently I have allowed myself those guilty pleasures and have enjoyed those small wedding moments.

and then comes the I am sad part. Life always creeps back into your life to remind you that it is in control and always does it when you think you have things under control. This is where I was at. My grandma has improved tremendously from her surgery. She is almost back to her normal shit-talking self. This week she started chemotherapy. We knew that the tumor had reached her liver, but we were unsure as to how close it really was...until yesterday. Apparently, it has attached itself to her liver and there really isn't much that can be done for her. The doctor has given her 18 months to live. The chemo that is being given to her is only so that the cancer will not reach her pancreas and therefore giving her more time to live. Of course everyone reacts to chemo differently and there have been plenty of people that have lasted longer than the 18 months that they were given. For now, we play the waiting game. The chemo will be given to her as long as her body can take it. If it becomes too much for her, then the chemo sessions will not continue. There is no way she wants to live if she will be suffering. This is where I get mad. Mad at life. Mad that it would do this to her. Mad that I cannot do a thing about it. And then the sadness hits me. I cannot dwell on it, but the thought is there- what if she cannot be there the day I get married?

For now she is here. And she took the first session like a true champ. This is why I am excited. There is hope. There really is. And with that I can share with her the latest step in my life. Soon it will be complete, and when it is I will show her with pride and joy. And I know that she will be there for many more times of joy.

so you see, I am not bi-polar. I am just living life the only way I know how. With a smile on my face. With tears in my eyes. With a fist in the air. And with a knot of butterflies in my stomach.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

and then there were three

2009-05-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

So I have these crazy reminders that keep telling me “send out your invitations!” “you should be sending out your invites by now!” and all I can think of is AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I don’t have my invites as of yet. I ordered them, per say. But the girl that so graciously offered to get them to me for free – has not produced them as of yet. Not even one. I did finalize and gave the thumbs up to the ones I want, but the invites are still MIA.

I can either freak out about this and scream bloody murder at her.
Or
I can just ask? And act shy because I am asking.

I secretly choose the first option, but will probably end up doing the second.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

On to other things – I am going to Disney today after work with a friend of mine. It should be fun because I know that we will spend the majority of the time laughing.
Because of the special occasion (there really isn’t any other than us wanting to hang out), I decided to straighten out my mane this morning. Little did I know, my mane had somehow sabotaged this great idea of mine. I walk over to my dresser and what do I find … a dead flat iron?!?!?! My flat iron seems to have given up on life and on me because although it is working – it isn’t really heating up, which means that something that would have taken me 20-30 minutes to straighten out, took me 45 minutes. And it’s not as straight as it normally leaves it. So now I have to go to my local beauty supply, Tia Juanita, and get hooked up with a new and improved bad ass flat iron. To top it all off, I get to walk around Disney with a mane that was partially tamed and that is laughing at me because it was slightly victorious. point 1 for you.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

did you know that they are trying to sell some historical landmarks here in California due to the budget crisis????? man I know that times are tough. and I know that there is an economic crisis going around - along with the swine flu. but I never thought it would get to this. This is serious. At least it is to me. First of all, I have heard that California is a wealthy state. One that is able to hold it's own if it really wanted to. And yet we have come to this.
The LA Memorial Coliseum is one of the landmarks that is up for grabs and it has a potential buyer already - USC! Some organization has stated that it's not for sell. It does not belong to the state therefore the state cannot sell it, even if Arnold gives the green light.
I say sell it. I mean, if the Trojans are going to use it for the same purpose that they have been using it for all of this time (owning other football teams that step in their domain) and they will be helping the state out by paying for it - why not??? I am sure that they will make improvements and fix that speaker system that BLOWS. Maybe they can put an elevator in certain sections because sometimes its just hard to go up those stairs.
So I might like the idea of USC owning the Coliseum (that might have to do with me being a fan FIGHT ON!!!), but there is also the possibility that some of our landmarks might be sold off to corporations that if they wanted to, they could rename, redo, or destroy them.
Arnold... your act as a governor is as bad as your act as a kindergarten cop.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

these have nothing and everything to do with each other

2009-05-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

So I’m back to the Cin-that-doesn’t-drink.
I admit that I slipped for a weekend or two, but it really wasn’t my fault. I am going to let Mr. Tortilla Face take all of the blame on this one.
Anywho – so it’s back to no drinks for Cin.
YAY.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

You know how sometimes you really hate your job. I mean you really hate your job. I have those days too. Not today though. Today I am a walking zombie and am not able to register hatred as of yet, but the day's not over so there is still hope.

Anywho, moving along – so sometimes you hate your job so much that you start raging about it. And sometimes you think to yourself or out loud “Man I wish I could just be at home right now.” Or “I just need a month off to REALLY relax!!!” Come on admit it, we have said that at some point in our working lives.

What about those people that chose not to work for whatever reason? Do you think that they ever sit at home, or on the park bench that they call home and say “Man, I hate not working! I wish I had a real job instead of begging for money/ mooching off my parents” or “I wish I could just work for ONE year so that I can get away from this life of mine in which I am doing nothing but taking naps when I please!”
what? I'm sure it happens...

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

My friend mentioned to me this morning that over the weekend they saw an old friend of theirs out on the street.
I asked “did you stop to say hello?”
my friend said, “no. I couldn't ever imagine seeing my friend how he looked this morning and it just freaked me out.”
So I asked, “what was wrong with your friend?”
“he was drunk – couldn't even hold himself up. He looked like if he lived in the streets and that wasn't even the neighborhood that he lives in.”
I got caught in a silent moment and said “that’s sad.”
Then my friend said something that made me wonder
“about two years ago he got into heavy drinking and all of his family tried to get him to stop. They always had disputes within the family because of his drinking and each time he just went back to it and got worse. Now look at him, out on the street. I never thought he would let himself go.”
“if he was an alcoholic that never wanted help, what made you think that he would not end up this way?”
He stayed quiet. “well I kinda knew it would happen. But I just hoped that he would eventually listen to his family.”
My response. “at least he is still sorta alive.”
What did I wonder about you might ask? : Why was this such a shocker? You can't help those that do not want your help. Even if deep down inside you only want what is best for them. If that person doesn’t want it, then it doesn’t matter what you want. So what happens next? Do you give up on them? Or do you keep pushing for them to change, hoping that one day they will give up and change?

enjoy the silence

-Cin

mr nice guy? or mr great guy?

2009-05-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

I had a big ol' blog typed up about a whole lotta nothing and I deleted it because I am tight like that. so now this post will be full of a whole lotta crap with some exciting crap added to it.

so today I was reminiscing about some people from my past. not because I miss them or want them back in my life, but because I had a good time with them when they were there. I really do try to take the good times/memories with me so that I can smile about them later.

I used to have this ex-boyfriend in high school that was a really nice guy. really good looking. very shy. beautiful eyes. nice mouth. but he lacked leadership skills. I think this, plus his raging hormones is what turned me off about him.
Still the good times is what I remember - like how he used to let me talk and talk and talk. (although I think a lot of this had to do with him being shy) And when we hung out at school, he was a gentleman and would hold my books. he used to brag to others that I was his girlfriend like if I was a big deal (well I am, but he didn't need to tell the world). He really did make me feel like if I was a nice girl. All of it used to make me smile.
And then we broke up.
I can't remember why. what can I say it was high school But I do remember that we saw each other like 2 years later and I thought to myself - what if we got back together again?

I don't regret the break-up or the fact that I never pursued the question above. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Maybe that nice guy just wasn't meant for me. Obviously he isn't because I have Mr. Tortilla Face and I can't see myself with anyone else.
I do wonder though what kind of person I would be now if I would have stayed with him. that is if we would have lasted after high school I wonder if I would have kids now. I wonder if I would have eventually gotten ... quieter.

ok I am done with the wondering. He was a nice guy and I appreciate the memories given, but when it comes down to it - he was just a stepping stone. Things happened between him and I for a reason. And I might not know what that reason is, but I do know that somehow it led me to Mr. Tortilla Face. Let's face it, he might not be the sweetest guy out there. And I definitely would not classify him as a nice guy. but he is a great guy. And only he knows how to battle me to death and make me smile all in one hour. How could I ask for more?
although a fuller set of lips wouldn't be too much to ask for right? kidding. he knows I love kissing him.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i broke the no drinking policy for my mom

2009-05-05T18:03:00.000-07:00

ok so I know that I keep saying this, but things have been hectic for me lately.
seriously they have.
with my grandma in the hospital (she is much better, thanks to all that had her in mind. the battle isn't over yet, but we have passed phase 1) anywho, with her being sick and with family functions to deal with and with work and also with the wedding and other stuff that is going on - I have not had one weekend where I get to sit at home and lay in bed and watch TV. just typing that was a mouthful.
I need one of those relaxing weekends quickly. I am running on... actually I don't know where the energy is coming from, but its there and I'm running on it.

since that weekend still hasn't come, let me share what went down this past weekend:
Saturday comes around and I got my mom drunk. You see, the whole family has been under a lot of stress with my grandma in the hospital and all. So now that she is staying at my mom's a lot of the stress has been lifted and my mom was finally able to sigh a breath of relief. Naturally, I did what every good daughter does when their mom needs to blow off some steam - I got her wasted. Well it wasn't me really, Mr. Tortilla Face had a lot to do with it. The point is - she enjoyed herself. This is not something that I normally do, but she had mentioned to me over and over again that she needed to get out of the house. So we picked her up, went to a G's game and rocked the hell out of the HDC. And our team won! Sure she puked a little here and there and she did run in the street trying to escape from us and she also argued with the hot dog man. But it was all clean fun and she didn't even remember half of it the next day.

Then Sunday rolled around and once more instead of staying home and relaxing, I ran out with my good friend Devina and Mr. Tortilla Face and explored this great Japanese restaurant. What's so great about this you ask???? Well, I love seafood. But seafood doesn't love me, specifically fish. Fish gives me a fever and a rash. So whenever someone said, "let's go for sushi!" I would decline and hide under a desk. until this weekend. This weekend I told myself that I have to get my body used to fish again and tried some sushi ... it is now Tuesday and still no sign of a fever or of a rash. yay!!!!!! of course this does not mean that I am back on the fish fan club. I have to take it slow and experiment with different fish to see if the allergy has gone away or if it's just certain fish. but it's a great start.

ok so maybe this might not be as exciting to other people, but to me both of these things mean something. My mom getting wasted was a sign of the whole family being less tense about my grandma's situation. She was the one holding us together, and with her taking a breather it allowed all of us to do the same. And with the fish, well it's not a sigh of relief or anything along those lines, but it was a happy moment for me because I hate limitations. This will allow me to go to different parts of the city that I have avoided in the past and not feel left out when everyone is raging about how great the food is.

and now to another busy weekend. actually, I only have one thing lined up. Sounds kinda boring... so I will have to find something to fill it with. =)

enjoy the silence
-Cin

update: no drinks for Cin

2009-04-28T18:34:00.001-07:00

this year has been hectic for me.

as I am sure that it has been for many people.

Whenever I get stuck in a rut, I try to look at things in a positive manner so that I can pick myself back up and move forward. So here is a list of good stuff that has happened to me so far:

I am getting married. enough said.
I have reinforced some of my friendships/relationships and it feels great.
some have fallen apart - and I feel great about that as well.
my family is my family, but when things go down - my family sticks together.
this getting healthy for the future is a great idea.
my first step to a long time goal has been taken.
I am growing up.

I know that the sky can be gray and cloudy sometimes, but I also know that the sun will eventually find a way to shine through.

I have to have faith.
I get scared sometimes of what the future holds for me. But I know that I cannot allow the fear to control me. I have to fight back, be strong, and know that things have a purpose in life like I do. I have to remember all of the positive things/ moments/ people and use their strength as motivation.

so right now, this is where I am. trying to get energy from my friends and family so that I can remain positive and push forward- not only for myself, but for my family, for the future and for Mr. Tortilla Face.

grandma: I wish you could hear all of the prayers said in your name. I love you.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

one more drink please... of water that is!

2009-04-22T18:10:00.000-07:00

I have decided to give up drinking.

no, I am not an alcoholic. I do not have a drink on a daily basis or even on a weekly basis. but, I am a social drinker and I do enjoy having a drink on the weekend to help me relax or to loosen up a bit. So I have decided to give up this part of social Cin.

Me giving up my drinking is not because of moral obligations.
I do not think a person can automatically be labeled as a bad person, condemned to hell, because they choose to have a shot of Patron (with lemon and salt on the side please).
BUT
I do think that drinking can be a bad thing when the person does not have self-control and abuses it. People that drink and then act like if they belong in the cave-man times are so not cool.
I do not fit in this category. I am sure that I can, but I know how to hold my liquor for the most part.

The reason that I am choosing to steer away from the alcohol, (even though I know that this will be hard) is for my health. I have a goal to reach regarding my health. With this goal, I have chosen to make sacrifices now, so that I can enjoy later.
I have already given up soda, which was not as hard as I thought it would be. Although I admit that when I do sip on PEPSI, it's like speed running down my throat. (oh sweet PEPSI how I miss you).
Chocolate was the next victim on my list. That one, I admit was hard. I still stare at it with dreamy eyes as others enjoy it in front of me. cruel world.
And now I have moved on to alcohol.
oh margaritas, how I will miss sipping on you while out to dinner with the ladies and cracking jokes about life and anyone close enough to be a target. how I will miss the threesomes that we have had with Mr. Tortilla Face. And please, never let go of the memories of me puking and crying and puking and cleaning and crying because my mascara was running (I swear that this only happens in Vegas). but for now, I have to put you to the side and let go for a while.

so why will this be so hard you ask? mostly because I am exaggerating and want to seem as if though I have no self-control. the truth is that it's the environment that I have been in lately that makes me think that this might be hard. I have been in a lot of social settings where drinking is around me and being served left and right. And although it is easy to say "water please." it is also easy to say "oooh. a PatronRita!"
I do not want to lock myself up in my room simply because I know that alcohol will be at the next social function. Instead, I want to take the challenge and truly test myself. Will I give in to that voice in my head that says "oh one small drink won't hurt." or will I be strong and say "water please."
I do not promise anything. This is a test that I am willing to take on. I might have the same results as the soda and chocolate and pass without a problem. Or I might just fail this coming Saturday! Whichever way, it will be interesting to see... stay tuned for updates.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

you're a sad love song that no one listens to

2009-04-21T17:28:00.000-07:00

do you remember when we were together?
everyone knew that we were like salt & pepper.
different, and yet we complimented each other so well.
you would hear me out on days when I needed a friend
and I would lend a shoulder even though you acted like if you did not need it.

somewhere along the line we got caught up in different lives
and realized that we were not the couple that we thought we were.
in reality, we were like salt and sugar.
the combination works for some people, but not for us.
and we ended it then and there, a mutual agreement.

after so many years, you have returned.
and although I have forgotten you
and you are no longer part of my life in any way, shape or form...
you want things to be like they were.
you want us to be what we were.
but I don't.
I am saddened by your desperation,
and sometimes your words fool me into thinking that you have changed,
but your persistence and your obsessive mode
has pushed me further away from the idea
of keeping in touch and being friends.

I have someone else.
I am happy.
I don't want you in my life.
What other way can I explain this to you besides
"leave me alone."
"I am so over you."
"let me go."
none of those seem to get through to you.

my patience is being tested.
you being the tester.
so far I am passing with my sanity still in tact.
and I thank God that what I have now in my life is good
it is positive

you on the other hand- you are proving to be a sad love song
one I used to play and sing along to.
and now I can't even remember the name or the lyrics.
I thank you for the memories,
but that is all you are to me - a memory.
one that is becoming sour because of you.

I think it's time now.
I wish nothing but a happy life for you.
I just wish you would understand that I do not want to be part of your life.

move on.
be happy.
love life.
and please, savor the silence, because that is all that you will be getting from me.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

fbg$

2009-04-20T17:46:00.000-07:00

This weekend was great.

But I am tired.

I always forget how big my nephews are until I see them and start talking to them. They are my babies, but they are no longer babies.
My Buddha is so full of life (and ice cream) and although he is a little bad ass, he is a real sweet boy at heart.
PichoPacho on the other hand is just a geek in the making. He likes to learn, conversate, and loves to tell jokes.
Seeing them this weekend made me realize that when I have my kids, my nephews will be older. I wonder if the gap between their ages will allow them to still get along…

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Something happened this weekend that I would have preferred avoiding. My sisters spoke about some issues that they had never discussed before. I knew it was going to eventually happen and I really tried to avoid having to be involved. I was able to avoid being part of the conversation, but the conversation took place with or without me present. My sisters have different views in some aspects of our lives. All three of us do. But theirs are on opposite ends and this difference in opinion has caused a bit of tension. I am proud that my younger sister is handling it like she is. She does not agree with my older sister, but she is actually handling like an adult. My older sister is simply stating what she feels, which is something that is usually hard for her to do. And I am just in the middle - listening and trying to be supportive to both sides (even though I have an opinion of my own that is different from both of theirs).
Although there is no hair pulling and curse words being thrown around – I know that there is tension. I just don’t want it to end on a bad note. And I definitely do not want to be put on the spot where I would have to choose.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

So a pastor is taking his puppy (Pete) for his daily run. Pete happens to be a boxer mixed with pit bull and when you look at him you think HOLY CRAP LET’S GO THE OTHER WAY (and not holy because it’s the pastor’s dog, but holy because he looks intimidating for a puppy). any who – so he is running with his massive puppy, Pete, when a small dog runs up to them and starts barking and barking. (it's always the small ones that start shit) Pete looks at the small dog and tries to get away. The small dog keeps chasing Pete and starts snapping at his legs trying to bite him. Pete keeps lifting his legs trying his hardest to dodge the small dog and its bite. The pastor then starts to freak out. What is he going to do? What if this small dog keeps trying to bite Pete and Pete gets tired of it and bites it? There is no way that the small dog would stand a chance of surviving. So the pastor decides to do the only thing he can think of doing to help Pete, his sanity, and the life of the small dog--and he kicks the small dog across the street. The deed is done. The small dog stays on his side of the street. The pastor continues on his daily run with Pete and although the small dog that doesn’t know it yet, his life was saved that day.

reflection in random train of thought

2009-04-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

did you know that people suck? yea... they still do.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

today is the day of a significant change in my life. I am excited. I am proud. I am scared. I am confident. I am glad that I have Mr. Tortilla Face to share this with. I wouldn't want it any other way.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

my blog has been a bit negative recently. sorry mostly because there have been a lot of changes in my life recently. the biggest one is my opinion on some of my friends/acquaintances/family. the change has caused me to reorganize my priority list. It also allowed me to learn that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. my relationship with Mr. Tortilla Face is stronger than I even imagined. so although I have been a bit down because of the recent changes, I am happy that my life is moving in a direction that I have wanted in a long time. And although it might be sad that not everyone I love and care for is coming along for the ride - I can live with that.
they say you are your ten closest friends - why keep someone around that is only dragging me down? or being negative?

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I am thankful for friends though. Devina and I finally got through a huge hurdle - she got her MOH dress!!!!! which means that I can now do a lot of stuff. not that I am doing any of it, but I can do them now!!!!! Her dress is bootyful (and I'm not saying that because of her) I just really like it. its simple. its a great color. and it will make my vision come true.
She has actually been a great help in getting me out of this hole that I have been in. Friday night we shopped and dined. I was in the worst of moods on Friday and she made it all better. Even though she didn't let me buy these blue flats that were so purty.
And then Saturday, after hanging out with the soon to be mom-in-law, we went to Beverly Hills. shopped. had a great lunch. talked. compared penises. and shared our lunch. actually I made her take mine, but whatevs. same difference.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

and now the only thing I need that would make things go smoothly is seeing my nephews. I will be travelling up north (to go see them of course) and then ... only then ... will things really be turning around for me.

so until then - I am waiting patiently.
I am sitting happy that Bonds wishes me happiness.
I am leaving on Friday.
And I might do a little dance. For ol' times.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i have to pee

2009-04-10T12:23:00.000-07:00

last night I had a great conversation with someone and it went a little like this:

Catholic: ok Cin, see you Monday!

self: Monday? you won't be here tomorrow?

Catholic: naw man! I don't work on Good Friday.

self: oh alright then. see you Monday!

Catholic: can you believe that they made me use my vacation time for my day off request???? (a look of pure disbelief all over his face)

self: yea. what's wrong with that? (I am sure that my face had a big question mark on it)

Catholic: it's Good Friday!!! that's a holiday!

self: it's not a holiday in the U S of A my friend... and it's definitely not a holiday in this company.

Catholic: that is stupid. I shouldn't have to waste my vacation time for Good Friday... its a holiday!!!

self: why not? Good Friday is not a national holiday.

Catholic: why not? Easter is.

self: Good Friday is part of your religion. The church and government are considered separate entities. They do not celebrate religious holidays as a nation because we have the freedom to choose a religion in the US.

Catholic: well that is stupid.

self: why is it stupid? because we have rights? if we celebrate the Catholic holidays as a nation then we would have to acknowledge the holidays and customs of the Jewish community, Presbyterians, Baptist, 7DA and so on. This is why the constitution keeps this as two separate entities. That way our rights as US citizens are not violated when it comes to choosing your religion.

Catholic: well that is dumb.

self: why?

Catholic: because my right is being violated as a Catholic to celebrate my custom.

self: no it's not. the company acknowledged your request and gave you tomorrow off. they're just not paying you for it out of their own pocket. and by law, they are in the right. plus, you're not even a citizen.

Catholic: what about Easter? everyone celebrates Easter!

self: I don't.

Catholic: you've never gone egg hunting?

self: yes I have.

Catholic: well then...

self: well then what? what does Easter and egg hunting have to do with each other for a Catholic?do Catholics pray to the Easter Bunny on Sunday? egg hunting is more of a corporate holiday. It does not tie in with your religion.

Catholic: no, but people associate the two together.

self: yes, but its not for religious purposes. plus, egg hunting is not considered a national holiday.

Catholic: (the look is now an upset one) whatever. see you Monday.

self: bye.

---

I was not trying to argue with this person. really, I wasn't. but some people just ... look better when their mouths are quiet.

most people think that I am not religious because of situations like these. the truth is that I am religious. I'm just not Catholic. And I know that there are many Catholics out there, especially in California. But it is not the only religion. People should really educate themselves before assuming or jumping to conclusions especially if they are going to argue about it. They really do look like asses when they act like if I am the daughter of Satan for eating chicken on Good Friday and because I don't see the connection between the Easter Bunny and the resurrection of Christ.
for those that are celebrating Easter - have a good one. =)
see... I am not the spawn of the devil.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

bridezilla or loner

2009-04-09T17:21:00.000-07:00

I realized last night that I have a lot of stuff to do for the wedding and I have no idea why I haven't done any of it (especially the small stuff). I already know what I want. I pretty much have shopped around and know where to go for what I need, yet I've managed to do nothing about it. I am so used to being a procrastinator and leaving shit until the last minute (I am one of those shoppers running around the mall on Christmas eve), but my gut instinct tells me that I shouldn't procrastinate for this occasion.

In my defense, I know that my procrastination is not the only one to blame - at least not this time.

a lot of it has to do with the lack of motivation. I am very motivated for August to show up and be over with. I am very motivated to get in my dress and prance around like a princess for a day. I am very motivated to start my life as Mrs. Tortilla-Face.

I just don't have any motivation to get anything done because as soon as I start to work on a project: I usually get excited. I show "x" friend or family member or tortilla face. And for the most part, "x" person is not as excited as I am. I know that it's my vision so they may not see things like I do. And I don't expect them to have the same level of excitement as I do. But man... this is my wedding. its a celebration bitches. fake it. anywho - the lack of excitement or interest from certain people just deflates my own motivation.

People have told me "who cares if no one is excited... it's your day!" That is slightly true. Although it might be "my day", I would love it if I could share it with those that matter to me. When those people would rather talk about the economy or the weather, it bums me out. What good is "my day" going to be if the people that matter only want to know when, where, and what's being served?

maybe I am over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion. I admit that drama is sometimes welcomed in my life. And I am not stupid - I know that just because I am getting married, it does not mean that everyone should stop their lives and tend to me 24.7. I just want those that I care for to be there with me.

Whatevs. I'll get over it. Like I always do. For now let me enjoy my moment even if it's one that makes me sad.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

dear kitty: you suck so much it left me speechless

2009-04-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

Dear YOU SUCK,

You do not always suck. Key words being “not always.” You definitely have your moments. And you’ve had one recently. Actually, you've had many of these moments recently and they have been accumulating. And what happens when things accumulate and accumulate and never get better??? People end up in the YOU SUCK group. I just wanted you to know that you are currently a member of this group.

So since you suck, and this is my blog, let me just tell you why you suck!

I am not here for you and you only. I have a life. I have people that care about me. There have been many occasions where I put it all to the side for you. This is actually not the issue. I know that this happens because I allow it and I only allow it because you are an important part of my life. Yet it seems that the feeling might not be mutual.
You show up at your convenience. When you have something going on in your life- you want me to be there for you regardless of what is going on with me. But when I search for you and you do not need anything from me, you are only polite and brush me off. I appreciate you being polite, but come on... I am not here for your convenience only.

I am not trying to make this into a “this is all about me” sad and pathetic letter because its not. I know we have our own lives to lead and sometimes we have things we need to take care of that require our time. But that is not a reason to act the way you do. It is supposed to be give and take. But lately, it seems it’s just me giving. And to be honest with you, it’s making me question you and your motives.

What it boils down to is: if you only want me around because you know I will always be there and not because you really care, then just go fuck yourself. I am not here to be used. I do not want to waste my time with people like you. I really can and would rather not have you around to turn my days into bad ones.

Don’t worry. I will never have this conversation with you. Shit, I won’t even give you the cold shoulder to let you know that I am upset. Not because I fear you or because I am chicken shit, but because I am older now. I understand that people like you exist and I have enough self-respect to know that its better to just walk away. I might choose to stick to the SAVOR SILENCE group, but my opinions towards you are loud and clear and they have definitely changed. I will react to your requests much more differently. You will move down my list of people that matter.
One day, you are going to need somebody and realize that you are all alone. That is when it will hit you smack in the face that it was your fault that we went from peanut butter & jelly to peanut butter and mayo.
For now, I will let this go and move along. I would rather focus my time and energy on people that do matter, like Mr. Tortilla Face <3

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i want to choke the tortilla out of your face.. sometimes

2009-03-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

I am happy today. My life is moving forward. I have learned ...

scratch all of that out. I was in the best of moods yesterday until I got home. and the beginning of this blog did not match with the day. so lets try this again.

ah mr. tortilla face, how I want to choke you sometimes. I get it, we have different ways of processing information and I am ok with that. but yesterday his thought process was on such a different wave length that it made me wonder about him. I would say... men... but I am not sure if all men are that way. It might just be him, which would mean that I am the luckiest woman in the world. (major sarcasm on that one)

man I love you, but sometimes I wish you could hear the silly words that come out of your mouth. when will you understand that the world does not revolve around you? I just make you think its that way so that you can leave me alone when I want to do what I want to do.

--- back to something more interesting ---

I got an email yesterday from someone of my past. this person was there when I was in my teens, and we were very close. ever since we fell out, we attempted like three times to regain our friendship and it always fell through. now I wonder why again this person is emailing me? maybe its loneliness? maybe its boredom? maybe its being melancholy? I don't know. but for whatever reason, this person has always made me think... a lot.

--- back to my headache also known as Mr. Tortilla Face ---

so yesterday, my mind was heavy with thoughts brought upon by this person's email. and then I get to deal with Mr. Tortilla Face and his nonsense. sigh Needless to say, bad timing. I know that he means no harm, but sometimes the way he goes about things shows that men were definitely created as the less intelligent being. just don't tell him or other men of that small fact. it might turn them gay just so that they can feel smarter. =p

enjoy the silence
-Cin

the joke's on you

2009-03-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

so I have been receiving a bit more traffic on my blog lately, and I thought to myself, self: your blogs have improved. visitors are coming.

sad to say I know that my writing is the same, its my background that has changed and is attracting new people. More specifically, Twilighters.

I admit that when I chose this background I thought of that movie. Or the book. Or a line in the book which in turn was in the movie.

Anywho when my dear Edward Cullen says, "and so the lion fell in love with lamb" in the book and the movie, its pure m&m's melting in my heart. So naturally, when I saw this picture of this innocent girl dragging this lamb, I thought it was appropriate to commemorate that line. Obviously in this situation the roles have switched. She is the lion (aka Edward Cullen, my love). I will sacrifice myself and be that poor little lamb being dragged if it's him dragging me.

If you have stumbled upon my page because of my header - I apologize that there are no images regarding Twilight. and although I LOVE the saga and am a devoted fan, this blog is not dedicated to it. (only when I feel like drooling) but I do thank you for stopping by. And to show my true gratitude, I will leave you with one of my recent favorite pics out there.

I do not remember where I got this from... but I do remember my reaction when I first saw it :O
oh wait - this came from the brilliant, Clever Girl Goes Blog. I'm too lazy to link her blog, but just check her out on the blogs I follow. <<---

So here's to that poster. And here's to the weekend.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

my playlist... for the week

2009-03-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

music has and always will be a big deal to me.

I can't say that I am a mainstream follower, but I'm also not an underground junkie. I simply listen to what's on the radio, or if someone suggests a new band, or if I go to a show and the opening band is "bad ass." you get the point.

if I like a song or a beat - I usually run off to download the CD or CDs (to see if its worth buying). Then I download to my ipod, listen to it for about a week. Listen to it while I read the lyrics. I know it seems like a lot, but the beat has to make sense with the lyrics. Let me explain: sometimes you can play a great song... musically. But when you read the lyrics you realize that you've been humming along to a song about a cat chasing a mouse with a mustache. that would automatically turn me off to the song. I love when the music makes sense with the lyrics.
there are exceptions (like everything in life), some songs are all about beats that make you want to get on the dance floor and "shake it" or that keep you going while running at the gym. it usually doesn't matter if they are singing about the girl's badunkadunk as long as it gets your adrenaline going. these songs make it on a certain playlist on my ipod. And its usually a song, not the whole CD that I download.

depending on how the song appeals to my senses, they make it on a certain playlist. for the most part, its my mood that directs what songs go in what playlist. some songs make it on more than one playlist. And sometimes a song just does not fit and it gets the boot.
now to some people this might seem like a lot. - just put the ipod on shuffle and call it a day - but like I stated before, music is a big part of my life. so making playlists that define a day or a moment in my life just makes perfect sense to me.

my current favorite playlist is called "reaching in". this playlist contains songs that do just that; reach deep inside and bring out a sigh or an emotion or something. the songs on this list have a sort of pattern or theme going on throughout them - love - now the love might project as the I-lust-for-you kinda love. the you-make the-sunset-that-much-more-precious kinda love. the why-must-you-make-me-cry kinda love. the you-make-me-want-to-do-crazy-shit kinda love or the there-is-no-one-but-you kinda love. the point is that its about love in some way or another. I know that there are different types of interpretations to lyrics and there might be a chance that the lyricist did not have love in mind with some of these songs. But this is how I have interpreted these songs and this is how they make me feel and since this is my playlist, this is where they are going.
So here I am, sharing. Because you never know, someone out there might be looking for a new band to go download and I just want to do my part.
and yes, they are in a particular order

AFI - Prelude 12/21
AFI - Endlessly She Said
Thursday - Lovesong Writer
Brand New - Degausser
Deftones - RX Queen
The Cure - From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
Blaqk Audio - Semiotic Love
AFI - 37mm
Glassjaw - Ape Dos Mil
My Chemical Romance - I Don't Love You
Incubus - Love Hurts
Deftones - Cherry Waves
Muse - Falling Away With You
Muse - Time Is Running Out

I hope that at least one song brings a smile to someone else's face besides my own. and if you have any music or playlists to share of your own - please do share. it can be any of your playlists. =)

enjoy the silence/music
-Cin

sisters will always be sisters

2009-03-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

I have two different sisters. with two different personalities. and I bond with both the same, but on different levels.

my older sister and I did not have the closest relationship out there. as a matter of fact, I can tell you that we did not bond 100% of the time when she used to live down here. she has a very different personality and outlook on life than I do. I did not really understand her back then, but I see her differently now. I respect her a lot for the simple fact that she is the mother of my two adorable nephews. And because she learned to be the woman that she is on her own. She was pretty much married off at the age of 19. And she had to quickly learn to be a wife. And years later a mother. This makes her a strong person by nature, even though she comes off as being very shy and soft spoken. Although we do not see eye to eye on many things, I know that we get along better now.

then there's my little sister. this is another one that I did not bond with 100% of the time while growing up. As a matter of fact, there are stories told in which I was the culprit that rolled her off the bed when she was a couple of months old. And then there is also the time that I yanked her by the hair and dragged her to her room because she was misbehaving and she managed to claw me with her ginormous nails. (which btw I still have the scar to prove where she ripped skin off with her bare claws) all of that is in the past now. Now, we get along. Now, we can have actual conversations that do not end in physical confrontations. Now, I miss her. Once more, we do not see eye to eye on many things, but we definitely get along better now.

see, the point of this blog is to prove my previous blog. I am definitely growing up. Relationships that were difficult before, have improved. My patience with others has improved. I have learned how to coincide with others in a better fashion.

I have always loved my sisters, even though I did not say it or show it. The difference now is that the bond that I have with them is much stronger. And the respect and understanding for the choices they have made in their lives is greater as well. It doesn't matter if they do not agree with everything that I say or do and vice versa, I love them for who they are.

Maybe getting older is not so bad... maybe
there's still the minor details of getting wrinkly and of bartenders not asking me for my ID.
but the insight into my thoughts and my reasoning is making it all worth while.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

I think that I am older now

2009-03-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

Mr. Tortilla Face left last week to his yearly March Madness trip with his friends. The day he left he came to have lunch with me because sometimes he knows how to play the sweet boyfriend/fiance.
when I came back from lunch, I was instantly asked, "aw. do you miss him?" I laughed in my head and answered "no. I just saw him."

the next day, I came in dragging due to my recent episodes of staying up late, and once more I was asked "aw. you look sad. do you miss your tortilla face?" this time I laughed out loud (lol) "no. its barely been a day. I'm just tired. I stayed up late watching the first 48 hours." their reply "aw. you're keeping yourself busy." I smiled politely. I really wasn't missing him. I was just tired.

later on in the day I caught myself saying something that he constantly says and laughed out loud again... to myself. the girls looked at me like they always do when I have jokes that are meant for me only.

"what's so funny?"

"I just caught myself saying "whaaaaat?" like Mr. Tortilla Face says it."

"awwwwww."

cell phone goes off, its his ringtone and they know it.

"awwww. you guys are in sync. its like if he knew you were thinking about him."

polite smile. coincidence. nothing more then that.

Friday rolled around and on this day we only spoke through texting. I went out with Devina, and their just wasn't any time to fit in a phone conversation. I will admit that on that day I missed his face... and the rest that comes with it. Good thing I wasn't at work and I was able to avoid another "awwww."

Saturday came and once more I was busy, this time with JZ. Although I was excited that he was back, the errands I had to run kept me occupied and it didn't cross my mind. he showed up later that night and brought a true smile to my face.

I had missed him, there is no denying it.

I am so used to being around him, that when he takes off every year I freak out. By freak out I mean I get kind of sad and gloomy. Its not a jealousy thing. Its not a trust issue. its just being out of my comfort zone. We spend so much time together that he has become a big part of my comfort zone and when he takes off... I get lonely. This usually leads to me waiting anxiously until he gets back. I wonder when will he call. And I usually don't make plans at night because I do not want to miss his call. pathetic right?
well as time has gone by, I have handled this differently. Each year it has become better and less lonely. This year I simply kept myself busy and enjoyed the time to myself. Although I wasn't really alone, but still.
This new development doesn't mean he can just take off for days at a time. it just means that I can handle it better. I missed him and was still able to remain in my comfort zone. It's all part of growing up and I like this part of aging.

aren't you proud of me? I am!

enjoy the silence
-Cin

money is the root of all that lets me live

2009-03-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

ok I have to admit that I once said "money is NOT everything in life. there is so much more." and deep down inside I still have that thought... hidden in there. somewhere.

money is not everything. there is love. loyalty. compassion. family. friendships. birth. hobbies. sigh.

but sometimes, when money fails to exist... it puts a damper on some of the stuff that helps us remain sane. its sad really, but I have come to realize that its all part of life.

ever since I started working, I was left to take care of my own purchases and bills. I have always understood the importance of money. Now with all of the new stuff going on in my life, the importance of prioritizing where my pennies go is something that I have taken on full-hearted.
I have made a budget. I update it as I pay my bills and I give myself a certain amount to play with and set aside a certain amount for certain situations that I know are coming up (like birthdays, trips, etc). So far, I've done ok. When I first started this I realized more closely where my cash was going and how stupidly I was wasting it. Now, I value my pennies.

the "recession" has not hit me directly as of yet. I am truly thankful for that. But with all of the talk about it, I can't help but to be aware and to prepare as a just in case. So I have been saving and watching where my money goes. For once, in a long time I've actually been reviewing what charges are on my bills. I've been cancelling services that I don't even use. And some companies have given me credits on some of these charges. I've given my bank account more cash to hold and I think it likes me for it. If only it would add some zeros to my bank account, then I would be happy. =)

I really hope that this helps in the long run. I am sure it will. How can saving ever be a bad thing? I want to make sure that I don't become a penny pincher, never wanting to waste a dime even if I have some to spare.
I wish money would not rule all of the decisions I make in life. unfortunately, I am not a heiress to a hotel chain, nor am I the next pop star sensation... so in order for me to live a life that I enjoy these are the steps that I have to take for now. because money does help. and having it makes more time away from work possible. and it makes shopping much more enjoyable (although I don't care for too much shopping, the crowds drive me nuts). and it helps bring a bit of ease to every day life when its not a constant reason to argue or cause stress at home.
All of this talk about money makes me want to check my account balance.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

chuck says "hi butt!"

2009-03-09T17:59:00.000-07:00

Chuck Norris ... oh this man makes me laugh. the comments made about him. the images that people come up with, like the one I added. And the power that people think his mustache alone possesses. Oh how he makes me laugh.

***

so I'm not much of a religious person. by that I mean, I do not go to church. but, confession: I have been praying a lot lately. by a lot I mean, every day or every other day. Nothing is going on in my life that is different than before. I don't really know why I feel inclined to pray, it's just sort of been happening on its own. I am not complaining. I don't feel like going to church or opening the bible. I just have the need to pray and when I do it feels great.

***

I am starting to stress on the thought of getting a new home (not getting it, but the extra expense that will come with it). it would not be so bad... except that along with it comes the expense of the wedding. and a honeymoon. wow. and in between I have prior engagements that tug at my pocketbook as well. I need to inhale slowly and work out all of the numbers before I start dreaming of bankruptcy.

***

my new favorite saying is "hi butt!" from one of the cell phone companies out there. ha, it makes me think of Mr. Tortilla Face and me. well the relationship we have and how we get along.

***

next weekend is little K's birthday party. I hope I make it on time.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

the Muse is my muse

2009-03-04T17:26:00.000-08:00

So I've been listening to the Muse lately. and when I say that I've been listening to them... I mean all of their CDs have been on repeat on my ipod since this past Monday. I simply love Absolution. the Muse makes me think about all sorts of things. and my creative juices start running.

last time we were in the car and Supermassive Black Hole came on, I mentioned to Mr. Tortilla Face "sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just opened the car door while you were driving and I just held on to the door and stuck my feet out and clung onto the door as I ran." he looked at me and said "wtf are you talking about?" I was being honest though. the song put me in a mood that made me want to run, while clinging onto a car that was racing down the freeway. I wasn't going to do it, it just got me in the mood. this is what I mean by it making me think of all sorts of things.

that CD in particular, Absolution makes me want to write. or make a music video. or be a vampire. I can't explain why, but I really love that CD. its great to write when your brain wants to speak. brain farts blow. ha. I made a funny.

so I am giving them props today. thanks for the thoughts and the inspirations. these past 3 days have been productive and relaxing. and if anyone gets the chance, go check them out if you haven't done so yet.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

and then ... there are almost 5.

2009-03-03T17:56:00.001-08:00

the deed is done
I cannot believe how it easy it was. my dress is mine. it is petite. it is beautiful. it is mine.
pics will not be posted up because people like Mr. Tortilla Face can access this blog and although I'm not traditional and don't care if he sees the dress, I promised not to show him.

moving along: this weekend was FUN. I did not get to really relax through the weekend, so I've been dragging at work since yesterday. oh well. fun does come with a prize.
its a shame really that this pic came out blurry, but trust me when I tell you that we had fun.

I found out something great this weekend (even though I already knew it, this weekend confirmed it) Mr. Tortilla Face is awesome. In all seriousness, I know I give him a lot of crap and some people still think that I punk him (trust me, yelling does not necessarily equal to being a bitch regardless of what end you are on). But when it boils down to everything - he is amazing. He knows me better than I give him credit for. He trusts me. He loves me for being me. And even when my temper flares, he knows how to calm me down (even though sometimes we have a yelling session before we talk things out). I really do consider myself being lucky for having him in my life. Like my friend Devina recently told me "you want to find a guy that makes you want to become a better person." this is Mr. Tortilla Face. He makes me want to become a better person for MYSELF and helps me with the many challenges in life. He is my best friend. He is my first love. And very soon he will be my husband. thanks honey. I love you.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

to cuddle or not to cuddle

2009-02-25T17:05:00.000-08:00

contrary to popular belief... I love to give and receive affection

I really do not know why people doubt that I am the affectionate type and why I feel the need to have to defend my ability to give and receive affection. yet I do it plenty of times (look at me now, I am even blogging about it)

I have heard on many occasions from friends and even family that I do not seem like the type that likes it.
My sister once told me that she knows that I don't like to show my emotions, so that is why she is reserved with me. yet, this same sister gets in bed with me to watch television and calls me her "hermanita" in baby talk. And this is the same sister that gave me a hug just the other day because we had not seen each other in a good while even though we live so close. And we said "hey... " in excitement because we finally hung out. its a bit trickier with family because in a way its a given that I love them. still, I know that its nice to hear it sometimes. so since we are not the verbal type in my family - I show it. or at least I think I show it.
With some of my friends, I do not know whether I should give them a hug when I haven't seen them in a long time because some of them seem standoffish. And although its what I intend to do, its hard to try to get a reading on their body language while going in for the hug and then pulling back if they seem weirded out by the embrace. by then it all seems awkward to hug. Sometimes I feel like saying "man, I've missed you." (although my friend might not necessarily be a man) and all that comes out is "hey! I haven't talked to you in a while." once more, I hold back because I do not know how they will take it.

in reality, I love showing people that I care. Even if its in my style - subtle. I like to do those little things that I know will let my friends or family know that I pay attention. And I love when people appreciate me in their life.

maybe if I do less shit-talking people will see that deep down inside I am a cuddly care bear that loves to share rainbows and smiles. ok maybe not that far, but I really do like showing and receiving affection. Well, considering that my ability to talk shit will probably not end any time soon - I guess that for now I will just have to continue proving my affection-giving abilities.

enjoy the silence (what the heck, enjoy an Internet hug from me as well)
-Cin

and the winner is...

2009-02-24T17:42:00.000-08:00

I have come to a sudden realization that I am going to get married.
I knew it all along.
I wear the ring every day.
but it has FINALLY hit me.
I am going to be buying my dress this weekend. can you believe that? this is huge. for me, this is the real first step (although I already have put down deposits for the ceremony and the reception locations). I think the dress is a bit more close to home because this is something that I am going to be wearing. And just knowing that I am going to go and try it on and buy it just blows my mind. This is really going to happen.

***

leadership is not just a title. it is a quality that not everyone posseses. and for those that think that they have it - check your followers. how strong is the following? and how loyal are they?

***

JZ you are a great friend. I appreciate everything that you have done and who you are.

***

I am happy today.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i've waited hours for this...

2009-02-18T17:31:00.000-08:00

I usually try to refrain from talking to others about my personal life with Mr. Tortilla Face because ... well it isn't any one's business. Plus, I really do not like to have my business out in the open. There are a select few that I spill my beans to. This group is small and I prefer it that way. There are others that I give limited information to, which sometimes backfires because people that do not know the background of our relationship do not understand some of my choices.

on Monday, I was having a conversation with someone that falls under the last category. For blogging purposes, we will call her baby momma.
well baby momma was asking me if I was excited about the wedding, and the planning and the moving in together, and etc. (lately, this is all that ladies like talking to me about.) any who, so we were on the subject of moving in together and she made the comment that "things are going to be soooo different when you two move in." this is not the first time that I have heard this comment. As a matter of fact, everyone has told me this... constantly. I am not doubting everyone that has gone through this. I am sure that its hard at times. I just don't think its going to be that bad for Mr. Tortilla Face and myself. You see, we have an advantage over many couples.... we are walking into this new commitment with a history behind us. An extensive history at that. We know each other for over ten years. That is longer than some people have been married. And in my opinion, we are really good together as a couple and probably better than some that are out there and married. (kinda harsh to say, but I am calling it like I see it). This does not mean that we do not have our fall outs. Trust me, we butt heads. But the years behind us, has shown us how to deal with these situations. This is why I have confidence in us. This is why this comment is driving me insane. (only a little bit)

So although I am sure that we will have our days once we are Mr and Mrs., it doesn't scare me. I know that we will push through and survive.

I just hate having to explain this to everyone that keeps warning me. or advising me. or letting me know how it is.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

rants are great

2009-02-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that when you are supposed to have a bad day - you are destined to have a bad day. It doesn't matter what you do to try to improve it. Or what positive energy goes your way. Sometimes you are just going to have a bad day. Its ok really. Simply cry yourself to sleep and wake up the next day hoping that the day will be a better one.

***

You know how comedians always joke about how once a couple gets married, the wife decides to get greedy with the puntang (and yes I had to use that word. as vulgar as it sounds, it has a nice ring to it). Any who, so the wife puts a lock on the panties. And then the pooooor husband cries like the horny bastard that he is. .Well I think that is a cover up. And it all boils down to men being the cause that women get confused and end up on shows like Snapped.
I see it this way, and please try to follow along because I am trying to type as quickly as my thoughts are racing:
1. in the dating stage, a man finds a woman attractive and wants to sleep with her.
2. although he will take it if she gives it up quickly, he prefers the challenge. this is why some women play hard to get.
3. if you play too hard to get, then he gets bored and loses interest. (unless he is completely head over heels for you, yes there are exceptions to everything)
4. once you get married he wants you all the time. I mean you two are now bound by law and by law he wants what is rightfully his.
5. after a while, it slows down. he doesn't want it as often because he has grown used to the fact that this woman will always be there. the urgency to sleep with you is slowly diminishing.
6. for the most part, the man starts approaching his wife when he wants to. lets face it. we are human. we have human needs. and unless he is in high school, his needs have slowed down a bit.
7. some men expect their wives to spread eagle on command. (once more- sorry for the vulgarity, but I am on a roll) he feels that since she is the wife, she has to fulfill her duty.
8. if the wife plays hard to get, his interest sparks. he starts trying once more to get into those panties - that technically - by law, are bound to him. well not the panties, but what is in them. (see my number 2)
9. if she plays too hard to get he goes to the hooker on Long Beach Blvd or gives his dollars to the stripper at the Spearmint.
10. remember ladies, you can be classy, sophisticated, educated, and lady-like outside of the bedroom. but once its just you and him alone - then its ok to let the hair loose and be dirty, nasty, kinky, and all of the etcs.

so what does this all mean??? men, stop trying to say that we stop giving it up. you prefer if we turn you down SOMETIMES. if we were so willing, then you would find us boring and outdated.

and women, make it interesting. although it is nice to be spontaneous and initiate every now and then, don't always take on this role. and please do NOT throw yourself to them. he chose you for a reason. remind him of what it was by making him work for it, even if the ring is already on your finger.

please do not read too much into this. although I believe that sex is important in a relationship, I feel that couples that have a great friendship are the ones that will survive even on the worst days.

***

I first thought to myself.. "self, you should blog." I never knew what to blog about. I just knew that I wanted to do it. And so far my blog has proven to be about as random as I am. I don't really have a themed blog. I kinda just blog about what is current in my life and in my head. Which for the most part is too much for my mind to handle, let alone this blog. So here is to me. And my random blogs. And my random thoughts. And my random life.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

and then there were 5...

2009-02-11T12:41:00.000-08:00

I am frustrated this morning. I want to blog about it, but then I don’t. So why mention it? … because its my blog and I can if I want to. =p

Ok enough with me being a brat.

So something that is going on with me is not right at the moment. A good friend of mine and I are not talking. I don’t know where she stands or how she feels. I don’t know what is going on in her head. She has not even talked to me.
I know where I stand. I know how I feel (besides confused). And I actually took the first step and reached out to her. Unfortunately, I don’t know how she felt about it because of the whole not speaking to me part.
I am trying my hardest to give my friend time. I know that that is usually what is suggested. “just give them time. they'll come around” And although I am trying… this is not who I am. I don’t like for issues to be left unsolved. I like for things to be talked out. I like for problems to be solved. Even if the solution is not the one that you prefer. It is still a solution. When I am left to “give time” it usually results in me sulking and over thinking everything. I end up frustrated. And the frustration brings out sadness and anger. So although I am giving my friend time, it is really bothering me.

So here I am. Thinking. Frustrated. Wondering. Sad. Sick (yes… I am getting another cold, apparently the last one I had that lasted 3 weeks was not enough). And for once, the silence is not a good one. I am not enjoying it one bit.
sigh so I guess I will just have to distract myself with other stuff. Like where to go for our honeymoon! Yay. Sorta. But no not really.

Enjoy the silence (or don’t)
-Cin

2009-02-09T17:27:00.000-08:00

6 more months to go. Crazy right? People ask me constantly if I have the jitters or if the butterflies are driving me nuts already. The truth is – no. I am more than excited at what is coming, but the nerves are still in hide mode. I think that they will show up on the day of.

I have never dreamt of my wedding day. I was not that little girl that would play the bride role let alone the wife role with my friends. I have never imagined myself in my fantasy dress. I don't even have a fantasy dress. I have never pictured how it would all play out. Maybe this is why I am not a ball of nerves. Is this wrong? Is something wrong with me for not caring and dreaming about these things? I mean it is going to be a once in a lifetime deal. I should care right??? I should be nervous and worried and starting to stress.
But I’m not.
This day is truly very important to me. And this day will be amazing. But to me, the part that is important is the commitment being made on that day. Not the amount of flowers, or how tall my cake was. All of the extra things will make the day more memorable, but in the end… what I will remember the most is how we made that commitment to each other. The way he looked at me. Our first kiss as husband and wife.
And beautiful bouquets will make my pictures stand out – but they will not give more meaning to his words.

So nerves… I await your company. I welcome the challenge. Just please … if you do show up on the day of, can you make sure you do not bring nausea and sweaty palms with you. I would really appreciate it.

Enjoy the silence
-Cin

2009-02-06T11:56:00.000-08:00

when you are young... you live this fantasy life. you come up with an image of how things are supposed to work out. you look at adults and their actions and think "silly grown-ups. I'm going to do it so much better." in your mind you have set up how great you will be as a wife/ husband/ parent. you have convinced yourself that you will know how to multi-task better than anyone in the history of multi-tasking and things will run smoothly.

and then you become one of these silly grown-ups. and life changes.

reality sets in and it does not hold back on how harsh life can sometimes be. sometimes even when you have plans, reality and life like to play around and change your plans. all of those fantasies that you used to have - out the window.
now don't get me wrong... I am not saying that you grow up and your dreams will never come true. I am just saying that reality and fantasy are very different. And for the most part, you cannot mistaken living in both. Unless you live in a padded room of course. But for the most part, your fantasies remain just that - images and dreams that you had as a kid of what life was going to be like.
life forces you to set priorities. It forces you to choose and make goals. It forces you to start your life in a way that does not necessarily play out how you wanted it to. it shoves reality in front of you when you search for a new home and realize that they do not all come with a white picket fence. or when you apply for a new job and realize that it does not automatically make you a millionaire.

this is where I am at right now. actually, I have been here for a while now. I am on stepping stones to a life I imagined when I was younger. and some of these stepping stones are jagged and uncomfortable, but I am pushing through because although I am a silly adult now... inside of me lives that kid that loves to dream and that fantasizes on a different life. the kid in me is what keeps me going and pushes me to want more out of this life, while the adult I have become reminds me that reality forces you to take things one at a time in order to survive life.

Although I think its a great balance to have... I don't ever want that kid to fade. If it's gone - then I fear living life as a robot on day to day routine that many of us already follow and with no dreams to pursue.
So don't let that kid fade. Keep your dreams alive. And push each day. Dream each day.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

the postman will not be in

2009-01-30T17:18:00.000-08:00

change is already here and it had nothing to do with Obama.

I was watching the news and saw that the mail has dropped by 9 million items just this past year. This is the highest it has dropped in a very long time.

Normally this would blow past my head and I would move on, but lately everything makes me think and pick things apart.
Pros: the nation is finally going green. bills are being paid online. emails are being saved. trees are being saved.
Cons: less mail means less positions needed. positions being cut means less employees needed. less employees means more unemployment.

so this is a double-edge sword. although we are improving and helping out mother nature, we are suffering as a race with this economic drought.

I am grateful for the job I have. I know that although I might not be happy at times, I am at least able to go to a home, and serve dinner, and plan a wedding, and plan a future. This makes me happy.
So now I pray. I pray that if the post office does let go of people - that the nation comes together as a whole and is able to come up with other places to place these new people in.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

luscious.

2009-01-29T17:24:00.000-08:00

LUSCIOUS. Don’t you just like that word? I do. I like it so much that I am going to use it more often. It is now part of my vocabulary.

On to other things.

I had a discussion with someone recently about feelings and emotions and reactions. This person’s argument is that people choose to be upset. According to this person, if something happens to you that would normally upset you – you have the choice to be upset or to shrug it off. Their example was a break up. Imagine getting dumped. You have just been dumped and you are sad, disappointed, lonely. You choose to be this way. You should be able to tell yourself not to feel this way and shrug these things off. You should be able to convince yourself to not allow this to bother you and make you sad. It is your choice. You can control the way you feel.
I don’t agree. I think that we are simply human. We get upset. We get happy. We get sad. It is an instinct that we have. We are not robots. If something happens to us that creates an emotion, then we … emote. I do believe that we do have a choice on how to react over our feelings. Let’s go back the example given above. I have just been dumped. I am clearly not a happy camper. I have the choice to allow myself to become so lonely and depressed that I resort to stalking my ex. I have the choice to cry for weeks and try to distract myself. I cannot just turn my feelings off. I cannot just convince myself that getting dumped is an okay thing. I might not be able to control my feelings and turn them on and off, but I can control how I will react.

Why did I blog about this? Well, I just think that it’s quite… interesting. I thought it was an interesting observation from someone else. I wonder if it made a difference that this person was a male. I wonder what made him think this way. Do you agree?

enjoy the silence
-Cin

change is among us

2009-01-19T18:16:00.000-08:00

to all of those that have been living under a rock recently, tomorrow will be the inauguration of our 44th president: Barack Obama.

Normally, I wouldn't care. I would see this day as the day that someone is presented to the American nation as their leader, but I would not be tuning in or showing interest. Tomorrow will be different.

I don't really care which side you stand on. If you think that Obama is the answer to all of our prayers... wonderful. If you think we will all burn in hell because he is our next president... drastic, but your opinion. I have always felt that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, so people can choose to interpret his coming to presidency how they prefer. Right now, this is not a conversation I want to be part of.

Change is among us. Tomorrow we will present to the United States of America our 44th president, Barack Obama. Most importantly, our first African-American president. Now, regardless of how you feel about this situation or about him, you have to realize that this is a historical event.
I cannot assure you that he will make things better. I know that it would take time to improve our economy and current situation in the US, regardless of who would have become our next president.

But I can assure you that tomorrow will be a day that history teachers will teach about. And grandparents will tell their grand kids about how they experienced the day first hand. And 30 years from now, the future of that time will wonder what the experience was like. Just like I wondered how it would have been to be around the JFK era.

Tomorrow will be different folks. I personally can appreciate being part of this event.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

the horrible neglect

2009-01-15T19:16:00.000-08:00

oh 2009.. are you over already?

this year has been a disaster already. that's right! I said it.

I have tried to keep my head up this year and tried to turn it all into a positive experience, but so far.. things have gone downhill as well as I.

so you think I am being a bit dramatic? maybe I am. but this time... it is drama with substance.

let me explain:
I have had a cold now for about two weeks. (keep in mind that it is the 15th of the month) at first it was a silly little headache and cough that started on 1/2/09. I was heading out to Vegas, so I popped some medicine and hung in there during the weekend. I came back feeling ok, but the cough persisted. Some time around the 7th or the 8th I lost my voice (at least Mr. Tortilla Face wish it did), I just sounded really manly. Then the weekend came... and the fevers began. Sunday was spent in bed because there was no energy in me that could will me to do anything else. And trust me, I had plans... DISNEY! Tuesday I left work early. my fever was so high my head couldn't stand my glasses. Yesterday I stayed in bed all day. I made best of friends with NyQuil. today I am back at work, but miserable. my nose is leaking. my head hurts when I cough. I am so congested. I am wearing a scarf in this wonderful summer/winter weather of ours. bizarre.

this cold has ruined 2009 for me thus far. I know that I tend to over-react, but trust me... this year has sucked. I cannot get my head on straight because it is congested and coughing and throbbing half of the time. and although I have been at work, its almost like if I am not here because I cannot seem to concentrate on anything in front of me. I get tired quickly. and after lunch I just want to go home. so now I am behind on work.
and my friends have come around, but I have no energy in me to enjoy the time with them. Don't take it personal, but right now I just want my bed.

there are two things that I have learned from my cold and such.
* Mr. Tortilla Face can pamper me =) he loves me. he made me a sandwich last night.
* everyone suddenly becomes a pharmacist when you have a cold.

anywho - 2009 can you please be nicer to me. I am going to go home now and talk to my bff NyQuil. I hope that tomorrow all of my symptoms are long and gone... if not... man 2009 is going to be hard.

good-bye to 2008. make way for 2009!

2008-12-30T17:58:00.000-08:00

2008 is almost over. wow. what has come out of this year? what did I spend all 365 days doing?

friends have come and gone.

one of the most significant ones was a new friend, whom happened to be a mutual friend with one of my closest friends. just as quickly as we met and bonded... the friendship broke apart. this was actually a sad one because of the mutual friend we shared. they are not on speaking terms as well. this was a sad loss in the beginning - now I face it without a doubt in my head. I had mixed feelings and even questioned some of my actions because of other's words or reactions, but not anymore. I stand by what I did. things ended the way they should have. if our mutual friend chooses to befriend this person, I am stepping away from that circle. It is not something I want to be part of or that I need in my life. I do not like people that constantly play the victim just for the sake of attention.

I have also bonded a great deal with other friends. its like they say, when one door closes another one opens. I have had more time to allow myself to involve myself with other people that have always been close to me. And to maintain some of the great friendships I already had.

I found out this year that some of these friends are like family members. How could I not include them in my day to day function and my family events?

weddings and new beginnings.

my younger sister is now someones wife. she was proposed to earlier this year and was married by the end of the year. I miss her. we have become close over the past years, and it is sad to lose her even though she lives so close. one regret of her wedding, I did not get to give my MOH speech. I really wanted to let her know how much I love her.

2009 will be my year to become a wife, although sometimes it already feels that I am already playing that role. I have not been able to plan much because of my sister's wedding, but starting 2009... the planning begins. After that will come babies. holy crap. that is a blog on its own.

new family.

family has always been there for me. I consider myself lucky. every now and then I meet a new cousin or rekindle a long lost friendship with an old family member. this year has been no different - drama. novelas. pointless crap. family is great. but man oh man sometimes they are a nuisance. this year I learned that even the one close to you are the ones you cannot trust. I also learned that I might love a family member because of the same blood that runs within our veins, but I do not have to like the person that they are or have become.
I lost a family member. My dear Chiquis, but gained two new ones along the way.

its amore.

I have nothing to say about this and everything to say. Mr. Tortilla Face is my huero. flaco. pelon. he loves me. I know this. and I love him. that is all there is to it. and next year we will have a hell of a ride. I am looking forward to it! you would figure that after being together for so long we would get tired of each other or something - but that is not the case. he is definitely my other half.

dreams.

ah this year has been full of inspiration. and from inspiration has grown a lot of creativity and a lot of new ideas.
I have started to make one of my hobbies into a reality and so far I am excited. I really do not know where any of this may lead me. It may lead nowhere, but at least I know that I went for it. that on its own is a great accomplishment.

career.

I have learned this year that I am a great accountant. I know that I am. I know that I carry a lot of responsibilities on my shoulder and that if someone else was in my position, they would not carry them through as thoroughly as I do.
I have started asking myself if an accountant is the way to go for me. I still do not have an answer, but I know that as long as I am happy... I will continue on this path. Even if my hobby becomes a reality, I think that I would still want to be an accountant. It is something that I enjoy doing. (yes, even on the days when things are horrible at work and all I want to do is run out of the office and choke someone)

health.

this year I lost my gall bladder. pain. fear. sigh of relief. this started me on the path to become healthy. so far I have accomplished a lot with certain changes, but I have big dreams. which means that I want more out of all of this. so the gym is still included. as well as my new way of life.

resolutions...
I really do not have any. I just want to stick to what I have already been doing. so far it has been a good one. I find it pointless to make new resolutions that I probably will not follow, or that I might make unreachable and will never get to following. So instead, I will just strive to become a better person in all ways possible. so here is to 2009. I will become Mrs. Tortilla Face. I will become a mother. I will become a bridezilla. I will become a healthier person. I will become a better friend. I will become a better Cin.
so enjoy the new year. be safe. and party like smart rock stars.

enjoy the silence.
Cin

movies and dogs oh and holidays too

2008-12-29T13:42:00.000-08:00

I went to see Marley and Me with a real good friend this weekend. the movie was actually.. good. but a bit too close to home. it reminded me of Chiquis too much. still it was really worth the movie. and the time.
which then leads me to my baby Comet. Comet and his brother Rocket are best of friends... at least until another dog strolls in our alley or starts barking two houses away. they do not have a problem socializing with other dogs. Comet loves to run and chase balls and play with other dogs whether small or big. nothing really intimidates him. Rocket on the other hand is shy. lovable. and other dogs do not really interest him. when they are in the backyard they play with each other without a problem. they even lay together in the sun. as soon as they hear a dog bark outside of our house or walks by... they start to bark. and then it seems as if though they are barking and growling against each other. eventually they face each other and start to go at it. retrievers are not aggressive dogs, but I would not like to be on the receiving end when they are exposing their teeth and snarling.
well all of this aggression has come down to Rocket biting Comet because of an alley dog making an appearance. and Rocket has left Comet a gaping hole on his shoulder blade. Needless to say they have been separated. They go to the gate that separates them and lick each other as if though they miss each other's company.
As for the hole, Comet seemed to be ok.... until last night. We were cleaning it and giving him medicine, but last night when we went to feed him we noticed a lump above the cut. He would not allow us to touch it. So now he is at the hospital. The cut became infected. It created a huge knot/ball on his shoulder blade and it needs to be drained. Then it needs to be cleaned. Then it needs to be closed up to avoid further infection. $133 dollars later... I hope he gets better. I don't want Comet to be hospitalized for New Years. That would just be too depressing.

and now the holidays. yay! they are done with. Well at least Christmas is.

Overall, it was a good year. I got my earrings, my coat, my game, and socks, scarves, gloves. =) no Edward Cullen though. maybe for my birthday! Still, the time spent with the family was nice. And the time spent with Mr Tortilla Face was too limited. Things have been good.

I have been so exhausted lately because everything that has been going on. I just need a break now. Even work has been keeping me busy. Things are good though. I feel very productive and happy with the results.
Now I have a new project to tackle. My birthday first. Then a new year. I think I will post one more blog before the year ends. Maybe just as a review. It is always good to go back and remember, whether the memories are good or bad.

enjoy the silence.

-Cin

a mask only covers so much

2008-12-27T10:30:00.001-08:00

what keeps you grounded?
what makes you smile?
what triggers the anger?
what makes it all worthwhile?
sometimes I think I have the answers and then I really look inside. You have thrown a curve ball at me... again. And the answers I thought I had no longer make any sense. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I shouldn't have. I tried to understand you. You cannot understand what doesn't make sense. You cannot paint the sky blue when it is destined to be gray.
Don't worry though (not that you ever do), this time I will not believe in unicorns. I will not hold onto false hope. Because you are what you are. A liar. A lonely little soul. A voice lost among so many out there. A child paralyzed into a corner by the fear of monsters in the closet. A scorned woman searching for her lost soul mate. A man with a dream so bright, but with no will to fight.
Your colors are bright this time. Your colors have shown. And even though I turn my back on you completely. I will continue to wonder...
what keeps you grounded?
what makes you smile?
what triggers the anger?
what makes it all worthwhile?

enjoy the silence
-Cin

so exhausted

2008-12-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

today was madness at work. MADNESS.
no need to talk about any of it because I am done for the day. but man... what could I change about today? EVERYTHING. yes it is that drastic.

on to other things. my Banani is married now. WOW. yet she is at our house every day. And she reminds us that she still has the key. man she loves us. I wonder if it will be hard for her to get adjusted to the married life. I wonder if she will eventually learn to cook. I wonder if after the sex, the new Mr. Banani will be in better moods. let's see how it all plays out.

did I mention that today was a shitty day? It is. My brain is officially crap right now. Nothing works in there. Thoughts are drifting around. slowly. sadly. but nothing makes sense.

On to other things, I walked in yesterday to work to find out that someone that I used to work with is in jail. It came out in the news and all. Apparently, this person has been known for going to the high schools nearby and offering the minors rides. Now that he is long and gone from this job, it seems to be that he still has this habit. BUT this time it caught up to him. He has been charged with attempting to kidnap a 13-year old girl in Covina in his work truck. The girl was able to fight him off and get away from him. According to the news, later that night while the girl had dinner with her family, she recognized the truck outside of the restaurant. He was then apprehended and is now in jail. His bail has been set to $1 million. His family notified us that apparently the inmates are handling the fact that he is being charged for trying to kidnap a 13-year old. They do NOT tolerate child molesters or rapists in jail. They automatically give the green light to kill them.
I am upset. This guy was really cool with me on a personal basis. He was nice, funny, and has a young daughter that he always talked about. To see him in these eyes bothers me. You never imagine it could ever be anyone you know until it happens. This one was close to home.
Now nevermind me, imagine what his family is going through. What will his daughter be told when she wonders where daddy is? What are they going through? Humiliation. Anger. Worry. Stress. All for what? For him and his sickness. I am not sure how things will work out for him and his family. But I hope that whatever it is, it happens quickly to at least alleviate some of the pain that I am sure that they are in right now. As for him - he will get what he deserves.

enjoy the silence.

Cin

all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth

2008-12-17T17:17:00.000-08:00

I have been told on numerous occasions that I am hard to buy gifts for. I obviously do NOT agree. I like everything. My real pleasure in receiving gifts is more on the guessing why people chose the gifts they chose for me. You would be surprised as to how people interpret you by a simple gift given.

So being in the spirit and all I decided to make a list of what I really want for Christmas and then I am going to compare it to what I really get.Note that the ones that will be buying me a gift do not know about this blogspot so it will be an interesting experience.

let's start off with my favorite. Tiffany & Co. Honestly, how can you ever go wrong with getting a girl something from there???? Well the one thing I do want right now are some earrings. they go perfectly with my necklace. cute right?

this one is a bit more for the kid inside of me. This one is always fun to have around for late nights with the family or friends. plus, the music on this one is much better then the 1st one.

next on the line, a hooded peacoat jacket. I already own one of these, BUT I don't have it at this length and with a hood. and due to all of the rain we have been receiving here in So. California lately, I find it mandatory to have a hood on my jackets now. so here it is. black please.

ok so I know that this one will not fit in my stocking, but a girl could wish. sigh I will take the Edward Cullen version please. no questions asked. no strings attached.

and now back to reality... ok so I love keeping up with all of the new gadgets that come out, so this one is definitely a new toy that I would like to own. BlackBerry Storm 9530. Although I would prefer an iPhone, I refuse to switch to Cingular / At&t. So this is my choice through Verizon. If not, I guess I can deal with a Voyager.

sticking to the technological nerd inside of me... a new ipod would be nice. once more, I already own one of these, but mine is a sad 40GB one, while the one I want now is a 120GB one. the iPod touch is actually pretty cool, but so far the biggest they offer is a 32GB one. weak.

this one is going back to the girlie inside of me. scarves. socks. gloves. it doesn't matter from where - I just want them. warm. snuggly. comforting.
ok so it would be impossible to keep noting everything that I want... so let's finish it off with a wish. It is Christmas right? I can wish!!!! ah but I would love to be on the receiving end of this. I promise to hold still =)

man that last one was a refreshing one. I think that I am still smiling.
oh well, let's see how well this experiment turns out to be.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

its christmas time

2008-12-16T09:24:00.000-08:00

I used to really love Christmas. Actually, I can't say that I don't enjoy it...
I just hate the stress of finding time to go out and deal with lines and lines of angry folk that waited until the last minute like I did and then exhaust my atm card so that I can rush home and wrap not only my gifts (perfectly of course) but Mr. tortilla face's as well so that we can then argue about whose house we will be heading to and then we rush to make an appearance to both families saying our hellos and goodbyes and then wait until midnight so that it can all be done in 5 minutes while we gather around the Christmas tree and everyone makes a mess in the living room with the perfect wrapping paper and bows which will then head into a large trash bag while everyone grabs their gifts which are now known as "junk" and head off to sleep.
other then that. I love Christmas. I love seeing people's faces when they open their gifts. I love finding that one gift that I know that one person will love. And I love the food cooked during the holidays.
I just want it all to be over with.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i have a cold

2008-12-11T08:51:00.000-08:00

I can hear the Smashing Pumpkins playing in the background
papers being separated, stapled, printed.
its not too cold today.
I think the heater is on
somebody has a pretty perfume on.
somebody is laughing and chit chatting
computers are broken down.
my nose is running
my head is throbbing
my body is starting to ache
money is being exchanged
checks are being written
coffee is being brewed
yet none of this helps or stops my cold from coming
apparently someone invited it to the wedding this weekend.
I RSVPed me plus one.
this was not the one I was hoping to take

enjoy the silence -
Cin

new addition to the playlist of my so called life

2008-12-09T11:51:00.000-08:00

I love music. I love everything about it. The beats. The lyrics. The feelings. The everything.
When I need inspiration I turn to music. It gets me out of any rut I might be in and it helps lick any wounds that life might have caused. It brings a smile to my face when it seems that its never going to appear again. It helps me sulk when I feel like being emotional. It puts me to sleep when my mind refuses to settle.

Being the moody person that I am - I think that this is why I turn to music the most. Sometimes it is very hard for me to explain how I feel. Trust me, it's not that I do not know when I am depressed, or angry or happy. It's just that sometimes I do not know why. Sometimes my heart feels heavy and my mind races with thoughts left and right. Yet I cannot pinpoint why. I usually choose to keep this little bit of misery and frustration to myself. There really is no point to talk to others about something I cannot explain even to myself. This is when music heals. I go through my ipod and shuffle songs and wait patiently. I never know what band will do the trick, or what genre. I just know that when the right song plays it explains how I am feeling at the time. As corny as it sounds, it speaks to my heart and soul. Sometimes the songs don't add up to whatever is currently goingon. It might be a sad love song that does the trick even though my love life is okay. It might be a revolutionary punk song, or even an upbeat club song. There really isn't a style of song that I search for. I just know that once it is on, regardless of how confusing it might be... it does the trick.

Last week was a weird week for me. Something just did not feel right. I was ready to cry at any moment and I did not know what got me in this mood to begin with or what would trigger it. I just knew that I was not a happy camper. Maybe it was all of the stress because of the wedding. Or maybe the lack of sleep. Or maybe all of the lovey-doveyness I was reading in the Twilight series. Whichever way, I was a mess. And then the song came on my ipod that has made me ... different. Not just in my mood, but in other aspects as well.
Brand New - The Devil and God are Raging Inside of Me - Degausser
I've had this CD for quite some time now, but I had never really listened to it. It's not that I didn't like it, its just that I have so many other options. Well once I heard this song last Thursday, everything cleared up for me. I have been inspired. I searched for the lyrics to see if I could find a meaning in them. No luck. It doesn't matter to me really why this song. What matters is the fact that my mood has improved. That empty feeling is gone and has been replaced by this song. I hear it every day at least 3 times.
This is what music does to me. This is why it means a lot to me. If I could not share my thoughts through a song... I am not sure what other outlet I would go for. Having said that, I suggest you listen to the song and follow it with the lyrics. And now I leave you with my favorite verse in the song.

Well take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
Say I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
When we were made we were set apart
Life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming, the storm is coming in

enjoy the silence my friends.
-Cin

lucky to be me, right?

2008-12-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

man oh man.

this coming weekend - wedding (not mine)
next weekend - birthday and party (not mine)
Christmas
weekend after that - my weekend to work
New Years
birthday (mine)

can we say exhaustion?
I haven't even started buying gifts. I still have to worry about this wedding before I can even begin to tackle the holidays.
what am I talking about exhaustion...the only thing that is being exhausted is my bank account.
I have to admit, I love giving. gift shopping for friends and family is always fun. this is why being limited due to the wedding bums me out. I hate limitations.

one great thing has happened. I got Tiffany back. yay!

on to other things - I have started taking one of my hobbies/dreams quite seriously lately. I am taking it so serious that I am looking into certain things to help me out with making this dream come true. I never like to talk about it or say it out loud because I hate to jinx myself. Yes, I know... superstitious. Still, I cannot wait until I really get some progress going. For now, I am just pushing myself.

I finished the Twilight series. Very interesting. Was it worth the sleepless nights? Definitely. Would I have made changes? Yup. Book 1 was isntant love. Book 2 was too much about Jacob and Bella, and although I understand why they went over them so much... I think it could have been cut short. Some parts did not have to go into that much details. Book 3 was gooood. I think some of book 3 could have been mixed with book 2. I don't want to say how in case someone that hasn't read them, happens to run into this blog and I spoil parts for them. Book 4 was really good, but a bit rushed toward the end. All of the explaining in Book 2 should have been used in book 4. Now follow along, don't get lost... but I would have given book 2 of book 4 to Edward and not Jacob. And I would have made a Book 5 so that I would be able to explain some parts. Having said all of that .... I still loved them. I still want to see the movies. And I am still fantasizing about Edward Cullen. (sigh)
ok now I have to go pry tortilla face from the football game so that we can go wedding-gift-shopping. I doubt it will happen though, his team is playing which means that he will not leave the television until the game is over.

For now, enjoy the chilly weather in California. and enjoy the holidays that are slowly but surely creeping up on us.

enjoy the silence,

Cin

new era

2008-12-01T08:06:00.000-08:00

last August I was in Las Vegas on my bed in the MGM for the weekend. I remember sitting on the bed while the TV was on and I was straightening my hair. Mr. Tortilla Face was showering. The news was playing, something about some new frenzy from a lot of readers. I did not pay that much attention to it, I just remembered that a movie was coming out in November and that it had something to do with this frenzy. The rest of the weekend, this Twilight movie and book kept calling out to me. Apparently, it wanted my attention. So after the 10th time of seeing it flicker on the news, I decided to pay attention. There it was in front of me - a series about vampires. I am usually up to date with all new books and such, but this one must have slipped by. I knew then and there that I had to get these books. And that is just what I did... I bought all 4 of them.
I didn't open them though. While in Vegas, they became an extra bag with four heavy books that I had to carry around. As a matter of fact, when I got home that is just what they remained. Four heavy books in a box of other books from my collection. I kept telling myself that I would get to them, but something would always come up... like preparations for my sister's wedding and such. And then the movie came out. Now it just seemed like if it was pointless to read them. The books had become a trend and I tried to convince myself that I did not want to be part of that trend.
But this weekend - all of that went out the window. Mr. Tortilla Face left me on Saturday to go see Notre Dame get spanked by USC. I decided to stay home and chill. I knew that I was either going to sit and watch movies, sit online and listen to music, or read a book. I decided to pick up Twilight and read. So there I was Saturday night, I had just finished rocking out on RockBand, it was about 8pm, and I started to read.
I finished the book the following day at 4:15pm. holy crap I was hooked. I became a freakin' twilighter. So of course, being the dramatic person that I am - I rushed to take a shower and as soon as I got out it was Tortilla Face's turn to get out of bed and do the same. While he showered I started reading New Moon. Two chapters later, we head out to the movies.
I will admit one thing about this book - it was great. The way she writes makes it quite easy to follow along and keep reading. The story itself is my kind of story. Edward is a freakin' vampire and something inside of me has always had an attraction for these beings. Always. To me vampires=sex. If I could come back as anything it would be as a vampire. I would have to be beautiful of course. And whomever my mate was would have to be the most beautiful creature anyone had ever seen. All the others would want him, but it did not matter because he would only have eyes for me.... do you see my obsession? So when I sat there waiting for the previews to flash, I got nervous. I was really nervous to see if they would do justice to the book and the excellent story-telling. And then it started.
Being the analytical person that I am (and the fact that I had just finished reading the book), I realized that a lot of my favorite parts of this book had been omitted from the movie. And a lot of parts that had nothing to do with the book were included. I actually sat in the theater annoyed. I made the best of it and watched as the two characters interacted. I pictured them in my head like I usually do when I read. The actors could not have been chosen better. And then it was all over. Just like that. It made me sad. I wanted to rush home to continue reading. So I did.
Although I know that I am a pretty quick reader, I do have an outside life to tend to that will not allow me to sit and read 24-7. I have to work. And eat. And pay attention to Tortilla Face and my friends and family. So now, I have to play hooky with these books. I will sneak them in as much as I can. I will take them to work and read during lunch. I will prop it open and read a couple of pages and head back to work. I will take it to the gym and open it while I run my daily miles. I will read as I wait for my dinner to be cooked. And when Tortilla Face sleeps, I will read. That is pretty bad huh?
Let me explain my problem. Reading is a bit of an obsession for me. Reading a good book helps feed the obsession. Reading a great book makes the obsession lethal. Reading a great book that is about vampires is an orgasm after another (ok that might be a bit much, but you get the point). I get so engrossed by the characters and the story that I secretly wish that I was part of them. I get so involved that when I finish the book, I feel a bit of emptiness. So I rush to the next book and the next until there is no more. This is where I am right now. Wishing that Edward would run to me and take me instead of Bella. She's too pale anyways.

My only negativity - the book is 425.3 times better. I am a Harry Potter fan. And the Potter movies did the books justice. The movies flowed. This movie on the other hand, left out a lot of great parts and included parts that in my opinion - we could do with out. I asked Tortilla Face what he thought about the movie since he had not read the book and he said "there wasn't enough fighting. but the movie was ok." so it was settled, I was too much of a critic.
So here I am admitting defeat. I had said I was not going to follow the trend, yet I have now managed to post a long blog about the book. and now I will have to end this blog so that I can continue to read the book (in secret of course, I am at work).
so people, if you see me missing for a while it's not that I do not care. I just don't care unless your name is Edward or Bella.

enjoy the silence-

Cin

lame

2008-11-25T17:25:00.000-08:00

so pretty much I had this post all nice and done and my computer decided to take a crap on me last night. so instead of typing it all up again, I went to sleep. It has been a long time since I have gone to sleep before 11pm. I woke up this morning all chinky-eyed.
so now a new post
my thoughts from yesterday are simply just that... thoughts of another day. so this blog will most likely be random, but consider it an update if you may.
I have been so busy these days. what with my sister's wedding, her shower, bachelorette party, and my family coming down, as well as soccer and football games - I have not had a lot of time for me. so here is Cin time.

my sister and her family came down last Friday. It was SO good seeing them again. I learned a lot of things from this visit of theirs. some of it I am still unsure of and I am still figuring out. but for the most part, it felt so good seeing them once more. I love my nephews. I know that once I have my own that my attention will be headed my kids' way. But the love I have for my nephews will never be replaced. They really mean a lot to me.
my sister's shower - well let's just say that I dreamt of it differently. I am never satisfied, and I think that is just the Capricorn in me. I like things to be perfect and try to do a lot of it on my own. Sometimes, (especially for party events) it is best to get as much help as possible to avoid unwanted headaches. Now I know for her baby shower! Not that she plans on having kids any time soon - but just in case =)
as for her bachelorette party, it was fun. like seriously, I was a bit apprehensive at first because I was unsure as to how people might take it or react. But I am glad that I chose to enjoy the night away with the ladies like I did. We all had a LOT of fun. Especially my sister.
this Sunday I went to the MLS cup (Columbus vs New York). let me tell you that it was kind of boring. but sitting with the LA Riot Squad section is always a blast. They made the time fly by much faster. One of my favorite parts was when they all broke down into a techno dance when one of the teams scored a goal and the stadium blasted a techno tune. Hilarious.
I have not seen JZ in a while. Our schedules have not criss-crossed. We will though... eventually. I miss JZ.
On the other hand, I have seen a lot more of my other bff BelBivDevoe. We had brunch with another friend. She came to my sister's shower. We've had long conversations about stuff that I cannot remember, but I do remember laughing.
My nephew asked me this weekend "Tia Cindy, do you remember Chiquis?" I swear that I could have cried. Instead I smiled and told him "yes, of course I do. why?" and he replied with, "she used to be my friend." If only he knew that she used to be my friend too...

enjoy the silence folks...
-Cin

copy.cat

2008-11-12T18:15:00.001-08:00

I am about to copycat JZ and post a blog.
sad to say - I have nothing to say. I just wanted to be a copy cat. and be like JZ.

so JZ. here's to me being like you.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

I have a headache

2008-11-07T18:11:00.000-08:00

and it has a name. tortilla face.

last night my headache was all about tortilla face. and it made me go to sleep aching and hurting. some things are best left unsaid. this is one of them.
and although this headache has slightly gone away... lil' surfer has resurfaced this headache of mine by being himself.
ah lil' surfer. what can I say about this one to make him look good??? actually, he is kind of full of himself and probably does not need me to boost his ego. that same ego is making this throbbing in my head throb more and more by the minute.

boys

you know, they are very easy to comprehend. they are not complicated creatures. but they sometimes think that they have to do certain things or avoid saying certain things so that us ladies do not get bothered, and it makes things worse. because we just want them to TALK. we just want an opinion. we don't want to always hear "I don't care babe. whatever you want is ok with me." or "I'm not gonna force you guys to do anything you don't want to do. we can do what you want. I don't care." JUST CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is all we want. at the same time, I think to myself... self: do you really want the gentlemen in your life to be that in tune with your every need and your every desire? and not so much to be so much in tune... but to FULLY understand your emotions, and your actions, and your everything? Wouldn't it be tooo much like Will & Grace?
I don't want a Will & Grace kind of relationship with either of these headaches. I just don't want the headaches to throb so much. They make me sleepy.

ahhh. one of these days.
I'm not sure what I am going to do one of these days... but I hope that one of these days something will change.
like when Bush leaves - that will be a day with one less headache.

enjoy your weekend folks. I have a STAR WARS party to enjoy tomorrow. yay. I am looking forward to good times.

enjoy the silence.

-Cin

make yourself aware

2008-11-04T10:03:00.000-08:00

the time to vote is here.

a new era will start today, whether it be Obama's or McCain's.
this is your chance to be part of this new era.
being a Californian, and most importantly, an American citizen - I exercise my right to vote. Here are some links that I used in making my decisions on the propositions out there, as well as the candidates. Hopefully they will help you out --

Propositions
Candidate Statements
whatever the results might be, just remember this... the Bush era will finally be over. and that on its own should bring a smile to your face.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

happy halloweenie

2008-10-31T17:37:00.000-07:00

I used to really love Halloween. And then I met Mr. Tortilla Face... and it all went to hell. now I am quite cynical about it just like I am about most holidays.
but this year... I wanted it to be different. I wanted to go out and enjoy myself like the previous years. I had ideas. so many of them.
and then I came to work... after 9 hours of this, I need an energy boost. man I am getting old. all I feel like doing is going home and napping!
to those out there that still have the will, and the money, and the energy to enjoy the day - HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!! have fun on my behalf. trick or treat for me. be a naughty nurse for me!

on another note - some people make me wonder. I wish that they were more sincere. wouldn't it be a nicer place to live in if people were just upfront? then I wouldn't have to sit here and wonder. instead people play games. they decide to keep things from others with the excuse of not wanting to hurt their feelings.

I refuse to elaborate on this. I don't want to rant today. and I don't want to ruin any one's mood. so carry on with the trick and treating.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

pretty much.. shut up

2008-10-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

anyone that knows me pretty much knows that I have a strong opinion about things. and if you give me a chance, I will express it. if you ask for an explanation, I will give it to you. fully. I tell my stories with more words than needed so that you have the best image of it running through your head.

having said that... lately, I have cringed at the thought of having to start a conversation with others about the coming election. I try to avoid conversations in which I am going to be asked who and what I am voting on. I would rather vomit.

I follow the news for the most part. I try to keep up with politics, at least what appeals to me. I do my research so that I can have my own opinion and not sound like a complete ass when I engage in a conversation related to what is current in the world of politics. but lately, it seems to be that EVERYONE has an opinion. now please, do not get me wrong on this I think it's great that people have their own opinions and want to express them. Its great that a lot of people are willing to talk about this election. I love conversations. that is .... conversations with substance. So of course, being a natural conversationalist, I start asking questions so that I can figure out why they have certain opinions.

this is where it gets sad. and annoying. and oh so irritating.

I get a big d'oh from most of them. I have found that a lot of people are influenced by the television and by their peers on what to think and how to vote in this election. this is all ok. I understand that sometimes the television is the only source out there for some people in finding out what is going on outside of their daily life. I get that sometimes you only find out about current events if others relay this information to you. I do not see a problem with this. but I do have a problem when they base their opinion on this solely.
through some of the conversations that I have chosen to be part of, I have noticed that most people do not really understand what is going on with some of the propositions, or how the candidates feel about certain issues. they are simply taking in what the mighty television set tells them, and are not really taking the time to educate themselves. they have become a mass group of repeaters. everything they hear, they repeat. but when asked to elaborate, they are stumped. they either rant at me irrationally and try to shove their ideas and choices at me simply because. or they pretend something else has suddenly become much more interesting to talk about. and that just irritates me. how am I supposed to have a conversation with a robot?

this mass of repeaters has caused great disappointment in my eyes. this, like all elections, is so important. people should really take the time to educate themselves when making their decisions. and not just go along with the flow.
since I do not have any control over people and the way they act, I have chosen to savor silence, love it. cherish it. enjoy it. relish in it. (my ipod has come in quite handy lately) I have learned to nod. smile. and pretty much not say anything about what I think unless I see that the conversation is heading on the right path. (you know, the one that does not cross bullshit lane or ignorant ave).

so lately, when people come up to me and start the conversation with "you better vote for Obama!" or when they ask "you're voting on Prop 8 right?" I tend to throw up in mouth just a little bit. I hesitate in telling people what I am voting on. I do not shove it down their throats. Instead, I am more prone to give people information on websites on how they can educate themselves on the propositions. I encourage them to get out there and simply vote. That is what is important.

so folks. educate yourselves. vote. and please do not insert foot in mouth when carrying a conversation regarding this coming election. and if you do not have any power over this, converse with someone else.

for now, I shall, enjoy the silence -

Cin

hello weekend

2008-10-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

I missed you so much.

I think I am catching a cold. Maybe I just need rest. Sunday I slept late - which meant that my body got used to late sleeping - which meant that each night this week I have slept late, and gotten up in a hurry. Can you tell by now that I am a woman that always has a battle with sleep! I just need one night of some GOOOD sleep and I should be ok. if that does not help then that means that I just might get a cold. orange juice.
on to other things...
I know that I am an emotional person. I know that I think and react with my heart first before reason. As the years have passed by, I have learned to stop myself from reacting automatically and think things through. I react now with my heart and my mind. I know that I have improved on that part.

BUT (there is always a but)

sometimes, I just react like a girl normally would. my feelings get hurt. I question myself. I sulk. I can't say that I do not like this part about me as it is part of being a girl. I just hate feeling down. I am one that fully commits, so when something bothers me... it really bothers me. It usually takes a bit to distract me and to get me out of that hole. These are usually the moments that I decide to blog - when I am angry, upset, down, stressed. I cannot pretend my life is peachy 24.7. And I don't need to blog about all of the great things that do take place in my life because it would seem too plastic. So please do not think that I am gloomy, and depressing, and crying, and angry 100% of the time. I do think that it is good to get hurt sometimes. SOMETIMES!!!! I think those moments make you stronger. They open your eyes and make you realize that the sky is not always blue and the grass is not always green.
so for the days when I am down - thank you. You give me great writing material. And for the days when I am happy - thank you. they help me get through the hard days.

and now back to the weekend. I've missed you so.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

cat and mouse

2008-10-21T19:01:00.001-07:00

ok so... to be fair... I know that I have been out of the dating game for a while now.

BUT

why do people (both male and female) insist on trying to follow the dating rules which were invented who knows how long ago by who knows who? why is it so hard to just be who you are and be upfront so that both know what they are getting themselves into from day one? I understand that at first people are apprehensive and have their guard up because they are at the "getting to know each other" phase, but sometimes people go a bit overboard with the rules. You have to wait 3 days before calling so that you do not seem so desperate. I don't know about you... but if a guy is really that attracted to me that he wants to call me the following day... he already won some brownie points in my book. The faster this guy calls me, the faster I can find out if he deserves those brownie points or not. instead many girls get excited that someone showed interest and asked for their number. and when he waits to call, the girl decides to sit and wait and try to remember all that was said the day they met. what were the last things said? why has it been so long? were they too eager to give out he number? and if the guy has called already and a couple of conversations have already been shared, the girl worries to death as to why he hasn't called all weekend? they try to figure out and come up with excuses as to why he was calling constantly before and now he just stopped! and they refuse to call or text because that would break one of the golden rules in which a girl should not be the one to look for the guy. he should come looking for her. bologna. I do not think this is true in all cases. like everything in life, there are exceptions! but this is part of the game that people play when dating. so unnecessary!

now do not get me wrong, I am a bit traditional in certain areas. I do believe that there are certain things that a guy, or should I say a gentleman, should do if he is interested. He should be the first to initiate a date. he should ask for your number. he should come pick you up. he should be the one to initiate a lot of things, but a girl should also show interest.
The modern Cin inside of me does not think that you should have to wait by the phone or the computer to see when he will make contact again. If you really want to know what he did for the weekend, initiate conversation. Too shy to say it over the phone? Too much of a rambler to type it up in an email? Make it short, sweet, and simple through a text. Hey! How was your weekend? instead, we end up questioning everything including ourselves. I know, this is part of being a girl. But come on now are we not the ones that claim to be so modern and independent nowadays??? why do we allow to get stuck in this game and web of rules? why are we still hesitant to go for what or who we want? I am not saying to go out and become a princess warrior; slaying all other females that get in your way of you and your man. and I am definitely NOT saying to become Miss Clingy of the year and text/call/email constantly.

I am just saying be yourself. Let him fall in love with you. Be a rebel without a cause and stop following those rules religiously. Just be a person that is interested in another person. Allow yourself to find a friend first before a lover. That is how you find Mr. Right (in my opinion). Now if you are lookin for Mr. Tonight/Booty Call/ Quick Fix disregard this post completely. This does NOT apply to you.

Maybe its easier said than done since I have not dated in a while. I just find a lot of the modern rules to be too traditional. You have to find the middle ground in order for it to be just right.

having said all of that, I sure am glad I have tortilla face. the Cin of today would probably be driven to pure madness if I had to go back to dating.

.Disney.

.spooky.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

here I am again on my own

2008-10-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

my brain looks like putty today. how do I know this? because my hairline told me so.

apparently I am old now. I stay out past midnight and wake up the following day at 6am... and it feels as if though my body has been stepped on by a sumo wrestler. and my brain is just as smashed and worthless. and of course, I have the bright idea of going out and staying out late on a Sunday night... so here it is Monday. Cin with a worthless brain and a worn out body.

at least yesterday was fun. Disneyland. you can never go wrong with Disney. and tortilla face of course. you mix those two together and its heaven =)

am I really getting that old?

yes, I am definitely having a moment. I used to be able to do all of this and some. Last weekend I went out with the girls, I got home past 3am. Woke up the next day around 8am. Did some flower girl's shopping (not my wedding, my sister's). Walked around with 3 little girls... that talk. and talk. and talk. and talk. Came home to do... actually I forgot what I did. But the thing is I was in bed by 9pm. Sleeping by 10ish. My body was slightly upset that I had deprived it of its resting time. And now yesterday I do this again. so here I am again.. lagging.
I think my body is definitely used to its usual routine of my Monday-Friday. Work. Gym. Home. Shower. Sleep. When I throw something in there that throws off the routine.. my body goes on strike. I tell myself that its not age. Its just the wheels that make my day go round and round. Those wheels do not enjoy an occasional wrench being thrown in there. They like the consistency. Age has nothing to do with it. (or at least that is what I tell myself).

well whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore. I just have to get going. stop yawning. and get through the day. If I can make it through work, the rest of the day will be fine.

I have to get used to the occasional wrench disrupting my routine, because I recently looked at my calendar and realized that I have some VERY busy weekends coming up, especially in November... and December. so the young girl in me better wake up and help me out here or else I will have to resort to a case of Monsters.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

TAG! you are so it.

2008-10-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged by the one and only Confessions of a Shop Girl !

Here are the Rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you

2. Post the rules on your blog.

3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.

4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.

5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

6. Let your tagger know when your entry is UP.

******************************************************

1. I am totally fascinated with serial killers, mental folk, vampires (not sure if they exist, but sometimes they do in my mind). I am not necessarily fascinated with the act itself, the truth of the matter is that all of the gore and blood grosses me out. I am more interested in their mental state. What would drive them to do what they do? This is the part of me that likes to pick things (mostly minds) apart.

2. I love to dip my McDonald fries in my McFlurry. It grosses the hell outta my sister, but I love it.

3. Sometimes I feel like the middle child although there are 4 of us and I am number 2 in line. I definitely resent this. I still love my family above all even though there is some angst there.

4. I CANNOT stand most people. If I just met you, I give you a chance. But if you mess up once... you can pretty much count me out. My tolerance level has gone way down because I have ran across some really stupid people. and yes, I know that it is unfair to stereotype and group all. But I think my friend meter is full, and I don't care much for giving people many chances. Now if you were to blow me away (not literally), then how can I possibly say no?

5. I believe in God. I have faith. I just do not believe in what the church has turned into now. This includes all churches. This does not mean that I think religion is bad. I just do not like what the organization part of hte church itself has done to it. I usually keep this to myself because I know that it is a touchy subject. I do not feel like arguing about this with others as we are all entitled to live how we want, plus I hate losing arguments... so we might either argue forever. hate each other. or the argument might end in blood shed. (see number 1 above, as this is where I would most likely get ideas from)

6. I have heard by many recently that it seems that I argue a lot with tortilla face. I promise you that this is not the case. our personalities just make it seem that way. we come across as smart asses, shit talkers, with lack of emotion. when in reality, my heart skips a beat when I see him. we get along extremely well and if we do argue, we solve it then and there. or at least he solves it, because I'm never wrong =)

******************************************************

and now it's my turn to tag, randomly:

Working Girl

Fabulously Broke In The City

Paruparo

Waking Dreams

A Girl In Clear Heels

April Lynn

enjoy the silence

-Cin

and Cin said... let there be floor, and the mess parted and floor existed.

2008-10-15T22:11:00.000-07:00

let me start this blog out by saying ... FUCK!!!!!!.....
I had already typed out my blog and I pressed some buttons to start the format part of blogging and my WHOLE entry was erased into thin air. in true words of my brother "tight."

last night I came home, came into my room and noticed that it was a mess. and I am not talking about an ordinary mess. this was horrible. I think that I must have been so stressed out because of work because when I saw the mess, all I could be was upset. I was so upset that I asked my cousin Sophia "if you clean my room and wash my clothes, I will pay you a shiny penny." I actually thought it was a great idea. She is unemployed, lacks in funds. I am sooo employed that I never have time to come home and do the simple things. I usually leave it to the weekends, but lately.. I don't have time then either. So my room had become an accumulation of clothes, both clean and dirty, shoes, tupperware (clean ones), purses, herbalife, water bottles galore, and dust. I figured that I needed help in the cleaning department so that I can catch up to my normal life... and she could use the money.

unfortunately, for me and her, the neurotic Cin did not allow anyone else to try to clean my room to their taste. things had to be done my way or else I would not have been satisfied. So I forced myself to get up and clean. I will not lie, she did help me out. Especially with moral support and in the end I did throw some perfume samples as well Victorias Secret lotions and sprays her way (she was going to smell delish before heading to bed with all of the samples she had sprayed on herself). But for the most part it was all me. I washed clothes. organized shoes. put purses in one location only. changed my bed sheets. hung up clothes. folded clothes. swept. dusted. put change in one location and ONE location only. when I was done... I felt so accomplished. My back was killing me, but man I could see my bedroom floor. Actually, I could see a LOT of it.

After all was said and done... it was a bit past midnight. I was exhausted. At the time it did not matter though. I was so proud of myself that my throbbing back and my tired eyes would just have to suck it up.
And now what to do so that it stays this way. I could just hire my cousin to be my personal cleaning lady/ assistant and go insane each time I notice that she folded my shirts wrong. Or that she placed my soccer jerseys next to my work shirts. Or I could just make the extra effort to do it myself. In all honesty, I cannot stand things out of place. And although work is important, I need to find time for myself and my room so that I do not add unnecessary stress to my life. Trust me, my room would have stressed anyone out.
So that is the plan. Make sure that no matter how busy I might be... that I find time to do the things that make day to day life that much more pleasant (and cleaner), especially in a place like my bedroom. That is the one place I should be able to go to and just RELAX. so there goes a personal goal. and I am looking forward to keeping it.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

enough is never enough

2008-10-14T13:01:00.000-07:00

so it is now lunch time. a time for myself. a time to relax. a time to step back from work... and blog.
I have a couple of things I want to blog about, but I think that I am only going to blog briefly. I have a good lunch waiting for me and there really is no sense making it wait.

so when is enough really finally enough? people get tired of situations. of people. of so many other things. and something inside of them does not allow them to separate themselves of those situations. or people, or whatever. instead they stick around. they're not happy. they put up with it. sick isn't it? why not just GO. separate. say fuck it? I guess we all come with different tolerance levels - but what will it really take for someone to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH?
economy is garbage. or at least that is what I hear. and people are getting laid off. once more, its all hearsay. It has not happened to me (thankfully). Does that mean that no one is hiring? Does that mean that you kind of have to tolerate where you are currently employed and your current boss due to economy being so shitty? Is it fair for bosses to use that excuse... economy is bad right now, that is why we cannot give you a raise (or promotion)? and when does this excuse from your boss become old? which then leads me back to my first comment. when is ENOUGH really ENOUGH?
is it fair to say that once a cheater... always a cheater? or once a liar... always a liar? (I am not talking about white lies either) how many chances should you give someone that keeps lying to you? how many times do you say "ok I will give our friendship/relationship another go," even though they keep playing the part over and over again? and how much time should you let go by before you give them another chance? how many times do they have to do you wrong before you say ENOUGH is ENOUGH?
on another note, you can tell when a person is a good person because of the friendships that they maintain. if they can carry a friendship, then they are most likely able to succeed in other things in life. or at least have a positive attitude towards life. why?... because they are commited. because they are most likely understanding. because they do not give up and pull through. that does not mean that because you and I are not friends, that you are a bad person. It just means that we might not be compatible for each other. Or maybe we just haven't really tried.
how many more years will it take for the Dodgers to make the playoffs? ok that was a low blow... they are technically still in. But man... can they just win already? it has been 20 freakin' years!!!!!!! Dodgers ask yourself... when is ENOUGH really ENOUGH?

on that note... I am off to lunch. JZ feel better =)

enjoy the silence

-Cin

sunday. sunday.

2008-10-12T13:31:00.001-07:00

ah it is Sunday. a day to relax. a day to enjoy the sun. a day to feel the cold wind in my hair. and my neck. and my feet. and my arms. my goodness the sun deceived me today. I woke up to sunshine.... once I went outside, the breeze laughed at me while it covered me from head to toe.
I think that I love and hate Sundays. I loooove Sundays because it is the perfect day to relax. I love just laying in bed and napping when I feel like it. put a good movie on. get under the comforter. and chill. the part that makes me cringe is when I remember that it is Sunday which means that a new work week will begin the following day.So although the bed sounds great. and an afternoon nap on the hammock is a dream... I have to get up to go run errands that will not be able to get done during the week.
ah Sundays.
so after this blog has been typed out and my thoughts are gathered... I will go straighten my hair (maybe keep it curly), get dressed. and run errands. the only good thing is that I have a soccer game today and it should be fun. or at least it will allow me to have time to forget that tomorrow is Monday.
so bloggers enjoy the silence this Sunday folks. wear socks today.

-Cin

word of the day

2008-10-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

frustrated.
I put my heart into everything I do or am involved in. I give it my all. True, at times I slack... I am human. I have my moments. But for the most part, I have true intentions and set out to make the best out of what I do.
Work is also something I take seriously. And I put my all into.
Today I had to take a step back from work. I had to do something to vent. So here I am. Hands shaking in fury. Tears being held in. And frustration pouring out of my pores.
I want to stick up for myself, but I have had to stop myself. My thoughts are everywhere and I would only sound like a ranting fool. I can sound like this at home, but not at work. At work, I am supposed to NOT make excuses as to why I am behind. I am supposed to prioritize the big stuff, but kick out the small stuff. I am supposed to handle 5 things at once, and complete them at the same time. Oh, and lunch... what is that? Working 9-5... who gets that schedule?
Last night... I took these latest worries home with me. So I woke up this morning with a crooked neck, bad back, and a bad taste from the day before. my motivation is here, but its hidden in fear of the emails I might receive today.
With the economy being how it is, all of this worries me. With my boss being how he is, I worry that no one will stick up for me. With my other boss not knowing how it is, I feel like if I am up against a wall. So today, I just want to get through theday. Email fairies - please divert all BAD emails to nobody here.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

it never rains in southern california... sometimes I wish it would... or wouldn't

2008-10-07T17:13:00.000-07:00

I swear this weather is driving me nuts. Do not get me wrong... I am not trying to complain. But I wish that the weather in California would make up its mind. Is it ready to switch into fall, or is it still stuck in summer? We have little hints of fall every now and then. Especially at nights. But just as soon as we get comfortable and start pulling out our version of winter clothing.... the blasting sun comes out to say hello.
Last Saturday we had rain. During the weekend when I finally get to enjoy the sunlight and the daytime... it decides to rain. So I get to enjoy my day indoors. It wasn't a complete drag , I got to pull out my UGG boots and enjoy the comfort. But now it's Tuesday... and I am back to flip flops.
This has to be bad for my body. I wonder if it gets confused wondering why it was shivering an hour ago and now there's sweat rolling down my back.
And let me tell you the damage it creates in my closet on a daily basis... When I wake up in the morning, early morning, I always look out the window to see what the weather will be like. Recently it looks as if though the day will be filled with clouds and dark skies. I try to get as warm as possible and start the layering process... and then the dreaded weather lady comes on to mock all of the wardrobe that I have piled on. Apparently, the weather will be changing from the 50's to the 90's during the day. Everything that was on will now be taken off and placed on the floor, my bed, the pile of clothes of from the day before.... anywhere but where it should be. And I get to figure out how I am going to layer my clothes so that I can take it off by the time I get to work. Even then, the AC is on full-blast at work so the sweater stays on. At least I have my disaster of a closet to look forward to arranging all over again. (major sarcasm there)

so yes, the weather here is great. and yes, I would never trade it for any other one. But it would be nice if it could send me a memo every now and then letting me know how I should plan my wardrobe for the following day. or at least a note saying "thanks for hanging in there... SUCKER!!!!"

enjoy the silence

-Cin

enjoy the silence

2008-10-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

In case you have not noticed, I always end my blogs with Enjoy the Silence and my name. And my accunt names usually are Savor Silence. And sometimes Savor Cin. So now you might ask, "Where did all of this come from?"
back in '96, I was barely getting into this new world out there called the Internet. I was so naive back then. I had creativity running through my bones, but was unsure of what name I wanted to be branded with. I was not aware that this is what people might remember you by. Hey, how are you doing sexybunny69? or even I haven't read any of your postings in a while latina4life! Sadly, I have run accross some of these names in my Internet days. I can admit that my names were not brilliant and definitely not thought out, but they were not that bad. One of my first names that I stuck with for a long time was "suprem*star." Yes, I intentionally left the "e" out of out supreme and would add the "*". I'm not sure where I came up with that, but I do remember that my friend Richie had something to do with it.
At first the names did not really bother me. Who cares if it wasn't all creative. I had started out on sites like livejournal, onchat, and of course, my AIM account. But then one day, my other friend, Jossie, gave me a better name... Cin Censura. (for those who do not speak Spanish - without censorship.) Cin fit in there perfectly, considering that that is my name. I started using this for my livejournal & my myspace account and really liked it. The name was not complicated, it was to the point, and the meaning behind it was perfect. But something did not feel right. I cannot explain it until this day, but it felt as if though it did not quite fit. Some might think, who cares? it's just a name! It had become more than just a name to me. People will remember my account name when they search me. When they befriend me. I wanted to have a name that said hello in a confident manner to the Internet world.
And finally one day, while listening to music, I came up with my name. I was updating my ipod while it played on shuffle mode. The first song to spark a light was Depeche Mode's Enjoy the Silence. It is definitely one of my favorite songs of theirs. I listened to the lyrics. Googled them. And said - this is it. And then the next song came on, Deftones Savory (Jawbox cover). Two of my favorite bands, two of my favorite songs. And this is where I decided to mix the songs up and come up with one title. Savor Silence. It has the same meaning as DM's song title, it just has different wording. It made me feel as if though I wasn't just stealing their creativity completely. Although I have to admit that a lot of my ideas come from songs. I am sure that I am not the only one out there that is constantly inspired by music.
Ever since then... that is the name that I have used. Now the name has taken a different purpose from when I first started using it. I like the thought of sometimes, silence is what we need in our constant busy lives. Silence is definitely found in the Internet world. Most of us, especially in our blogs, express ourselves through words or pictures. The words have meaning. The words can move you. They can create emotion. But it is all done through silence. No loud noise. No speeches heard through loud speakers or the television. Just words that fit together to move the heart and soul of anyone that is willing to take the time to read. The only sound heard is the writer's fingertips as they hit each key.
So enjoy the silence folks. Turn off the TV. Read a book. Read a blog. Turn off the sound of this hectic life we sometimes have and enjoy.

enjoy the silence
- Cin

savor silence goes blog

2008-10-02T13:29:00.000-07:00

in case you did not know... I am kinda new to this blog world. its not my 1st month in or anything of that sort. But I am still trying to remember that its here. And I am still finding out new things about how to use it.

One of the features that I started using is the Google Reader. I have found some awesome blogs on the Blogs of Note.

One of my recent finds and favorites is Clever Girl Goes Blog. This is such gooood reading. Tia is the mastermind behind some LOLs I have at work sometimes. Her writing is so personal that when I read it, it makes me feel as if though I am talking to one of my friends. In some cases, I feel as if though she is writing on my behalf. The way she puts words together makes it so easy to be part of whatever story she is telling. I really enjoy this type of writing.

Her most recent blog that I have enjoyed is the one where she pinpoints feelings, emotions, thoughts, and everything revolving your ex. I do not think I could have said it any better.

If you get a chance, check her out and sit back and enjoy some good reading. I know I've become a follower.

as for me, I have some work to finish up before I head out to my dinner date.

enjoy the silence -

Cin

with accomplishments come long nights

2008-10-01T18:31:00.001-07:00

man oh man am I pooped. work has been hectic. I have to admit that I was slacking off a bit last week, and now it caught up to me. sometimes I come into the office and I just have zero motivation to get my day going. and sometimes... I want to make sure I leave everyone, especially myself impressed. This is the mood that I am in this week. And it has paid off. Although there is a lot of work and I have been working nonstop... I have accomplished much. I also noticed that I am not as stressed because I know that I am on a pace that allows me to complete what I have set out to accomplish to begin with. I guess its good that I am in this mood because I have to work this weekend. Personally, it does not bother me. I just might need a break after this week though.

on another note, I have accomplished yet another goal of mine. a personal one. it started out as being a vanity goal, and after my whole gall bladder surgery... it has turned into a health-related goal. and I am slowly but surely reaching my goal. I am so proud of myself... that I treated myself to a Hersheys bar. ok that kind of defeated part of my goal, but 1 won't hurt. plus aunt flow is coming soon, and my chocolate cravings are at their highest. I swear they screamed HERSHEYS!!! and squealed with joy when I opened the wrapper.
I just realized what time it was and asked my self "self, why are you still at work?" since I could NOT come up with a brilliant reply... I choose to leave. till next.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

tired. tired. tired.

2008-09-25T13:05:00.000-07:00

have you ever heard of being sick and tired of being sick and tired?
that is me today. right now. at this very moment.
Freakin' people keep using my printer, (well its not really mine, it's company owned), but that is besides the point. The printer is on my desk because I print a lot. And although I do not mind sharing it - it bugs the hell outta me when I finally get around to printing... and its out of paper. Or it needs more toner. No one cares to refill the paper tray. No one asks if I need more paper from the warehouse. So I am stuck having to load, change, smack the printer.

And its not everyone that is using the printer - its ONE person. let me give a scenario:
1. I print.
2. nuisance prints.
3. I leave my papers on the printer because I am not done printing
4a. nuisance comes to get their papers and moves mine out of order.
4b. nuisance leaves papers that they either printed wrong, or printed too many in the printer instead of recycling.
5. nuisance looks over my shoulder or down my shirt for a daily cleavage shot.
6. I continue my printing, paper is out.

lameo. nuisance. not me. I went to their computer and made another printer their default printer. They figured it out and luckily (please note major sarcasm) changed it back to mine.
yeah, ok so maybe its NOT a big deal. But when I am trying to get in a routine at work, this is irritating. I have to stop what I am doing to fix it. Nuisance, please be a bit more courteous.
and that is what is happening in my life as of this morning. ha. so exciting.

enjoy the silence -

Cin

did ya miss me?

2008-09-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

come on I know you missed me. I missed you. my little blog you! I've been so busy. doing stuff. so shame on me for the neglect. But I am back now. I think.

so let me talk to you about someone that is beyond important in my life:

this right here is my babe. or as my mom calls him, my tortilla face. It is the most recent picture of us in which we are spending some quality time at a soccer game. (this night LA Galaxy owned DC United 5-2) It looks like if I am really darker than he is. But who cares, the boy is white.

he is the person that makes a lot of imperfections in life seem perfect. The best part is that he does it by simply being him. this babe of mine has been molded into a smart ass, shit talking, sarcastic little a-hole by... moi. But deep down, you will find that he is a very patient, kind-hearted, level-headed, funny guy. I love having staring contests with him - I always win though because he falls asleep. And my favorite part about him is when I ask him "to hold me like he's never held me before." Each time its different. So clever.

Like most guys, he is into sports. And although I hate to admit it to him, so am I. Or at least I have a tolerance and high understanding to most. I just get bored easily. I refuse to let him know this though, because then that would mean having to go to church with him every Saturday... (by church I mean sitting in front of the TV watching college football games back to back).

And although I can tell you 425.3 different things that he does that drive me up against a wall... that is only 10% of who he is. The other 90% makes me forget the times that I want to slap him with a tuna sandwich. And although most do not see it, we are very affectionate towards each other. He makes me feel like his "amorcito." We are friends before we are a couple. I think that is why we click. We complement each other in more ways than one. A lot of my negatives he turns into positives. Times when people make me want to smack them, he gives me the look that makes me settle down (after yelling a bit of course). When either is down, the other picks up the pieces. (I love how he takes care of me when I am sick). We bring out the best of each other and push each other to improve. He is my support team, cheer leading squad, and bff rolled into one. I can talk. And he can listen. At least for the most part he listens. Although there are plenty of times when I catch him in lala land when I am running my mouth. Even then, I can't blame him (even though I do). I do talk a lot.

And about a year from now, we will start a new chapter of our lives together. holy crap I am going to be known as Cin de Tortilla Face..... I wouldn't want it any other way.

so here's to you babe. I hope you are ready for this roller coaster of a coming year. I promise that in the end the ride will be more than worth it. I love you.

enjoy the silence -- Cin (de Tortilla Face) aka CinPamStid

excitement

2008-09-12T18:56:00.001-07:00

and here comes the weekend...
somehow it feels as if though I should really be excited about what's recent in my life, but it has either NOT hit me as of yet. or I am turning into the stidkid and being non-chalant. something inside tells me I should be busy. stressing. planning. worrying. instead I am blah. well, to be completely truthful, when people ask what I plan on doing with certain things... I get excited talking to them about my ideas and start googling for more ideas. And then it just kind of goes away because I either emailed the idea to someone to see what they think. Or work pulls me back to the now.
If by my birthday I am not peeing my pants out of excitement... something is definitely wrong with me. For now, I am focusing on my sister's wedding. FUN times. Well at least for me it is. I have been searching for cakes, photographers, chair covers, etc. I get to go see things up front with her. And I get to pick her ideas out of her head and try to materialize them before our eyes. I am her maid of honor =) That on its own is quite exciting. I was my older sister's maid of honor. But, since I was only 17 at the time, they did not allow me to sign as the witness. It doesn't matter - she asked me to be her MOH. And now I get the glory and honor again. yes, I said glory. Why glory you ask? because I will be the next in line that matters. or at least that is how I play it out in my head. I am there to support, help, and work my ass off for the bride. Which in this case, it's my little sister's wedding, so there will be a lot of ass working. Any who - I will be glorified by her for helping out so much. And considering that I was jipped in my older sister's wedding - I will take full stride in this one and make sure that I play the MOH role as best as I can. Needless to say, I am excited. I really want to help her out so that she can remember this day with a smile.
So, tomorrow my day begins with a trip to the dog park. Comet and Rocket will socialize.
A bath. For me, not the dogs.
Visiting pastry centers and trying to stay away from them as much as I can so that my MOH dress can fit me "like a glove."
Chilling.
Goint to Belle's 30th birthday bash! (insane, THIRTY freakin' years old)
and then its Sunday. no plans as of yet. I usually like to just .... sleep. We will see how that goes.
Since it is now 7:11pm. (I love when the time reminds me of something, in this case the convenient store and its slushees), and I have to head out like a trout. Enjoy the weekend. And most importantly,

enjoy the silence
-Cin

disconnected-.-

2008-09-10T15:29:00.000-07:00

funny how one small piece of electronic can make me feel so disconnected from the world outside of work.
I left my cell phone at home... again. And it sucks. I feel so lonely when I go pee. I do not hear the door knock followed by Mr. Duck. I wonder if today will be the day that I get a phone call being told that I just hit the lotto or something along those lines. I wonder what my phone is doing... I enVy the little booger. it gets to lay on my bed. comfy. no worries in this world. while I worry of its activities.
lucky me - I have a lot of work and I get to stay here late. Which means that the reunion between my phone and I will be later than anticipated. I am counting the minutes down until I see its slick and silver coating. And I hear the little duck quacking at me telling me that I have a text.

ok so maybe I do not miss my phone that much, but I do feel disconnected. It's funny really. It's just a phone.

enjoy the silence from a phone that isn't here
-Cin

music is my voice

2008-09-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

music is my voice

when the sun shines down on me

it warms my skin and puts a smile on my face

spreading my summer day long into hot nights.

music is my voice

on days when the sun can't come out to play

days spent inside

trying to find warmth in old cozy socks.

music is my voice

when my spirits are high

and nothing can go wrong

to ruin my day or my week or my year

music is my voice

when I can't find a reason to get out of bed

when everything and anything

that can go wrong

will go wrong.

it can bring joy to my day.

it can bring me to tears.

it can bring back memories

no matter how much time has passed.

it brings the masses together.

it puts a beat in your heart.

it reminds you of a friend.

a love.

a broken heart.

lyrics sing what your heart feels.

music is my voice.

enjoy the silence -

Cin

people are people

2008-09-02T22:33:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: Cafe Tacuba - Como Te Extraño

current mood: disappointed

It's a fight for FREEDOM!

this war is a form of slavery

that chains us to a weapon of mass destruction.

the noise of hate and fear

drown out the voice of consciousness.

marching in perfect cadence

to seek revenge upon the revengeful.

machines fight the war of the human race;

the war that takes the life of an unborn child

and slaughters the husband of a loving wife.

It's a fight for FAITH!

this war that prepares us for peace

a peace that we all long for,

but fear that as the days pass

we will never obtain it.

and the masses are left to wonder

when is enough finally enough?

it's a fight for FREEDOM and for all that have FAITH in it.

enjoy the silence - Cin

love song

2008-08-28T23:03:00.000-07:00

sing me a love song

the one where you proclaim your love to me

and tell me how much I make every sunset that
much more beautiful.

the one where the chorus repeats itself in
perfect harmony

and sings how I make life that much
sweeter.

sing me a love song

let the world know how you understand love now
that you felt it with me.

sing it softly, but sing it proud.

let me feel each word deep in my
heart

knowing why you carefully chose each word just
for me.

sing me a love song

let me love you back

unconditionally

with the tears
and the pain

and disagreements
and our jokes
and smiles
and our favorite everythings.

so sing me a love song
the one written just for me.
so that I can memorize the words
and sing them back to you.

... whenever I'm alone with you ...

enjoy the silence

-Cin

weekend summary

2008-08-26T17:24:00.001-07:00

this past weekend was GREAT. as I stated before, I had plenty of activities to do. Early AM I headed out to downtown LA. (see picture of our skyline) I went to handle some shopping with the family. that was ... quite exhausting, but we accomplished a lot. then I made an appearance at a Mary Kay party for my bff.

And then make-up time at Becks' house, a little bit of bowling, and good times at the beach! that was all on Saturday. And then on Sunday... relax time. It was great. Oh... somewhere in there I was able to vent, discuss, talk, laugh with JZ about my recent issues with my friend. Although I have resolved some issues on my own and how I am going to handle them, it was good having someone else listen and tell me that I am not losing my mind! thanks for the sanity check.
I added some pictures that hopefully show what a great time I had! and if the pictures don't cut it... you're just going to have to trust me on this one!

other then that. I have nothing more to say. I will post later on about other things.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

Buddha and PichoPacho

2008-08-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

this little man is my nephew Benjamin. He is my little buddha. He is the youngest of my nephews at 3 years old. Let me tell you something about this little booger - he is personality. personality. personality. he has this look about him that makes you think "aw. how cute!" but once his mind and his mouth get going - get outta the way, because he turns into Captain Jack Sparrow or Darth Vader (whatever movie he happens to be into at the time). he is so animated. at first he refused to talk. he just wanted to do his own thing. Then it seems as if though he decided he was ready to be a big boy and just started being part of conversations. He definitely does not have a problem telling you "NO!" or "I don't love you anymore!" He is the youngest, but runs the household without a problem. And even though he is a firecracker ready to go off... he is soooo loving. he always gives me kisses and tells me that he loves me. He gives me hugs. Wakes me up to a good morning kiss. Tells me "don't worry tia Cindy, I will help you!" I love my buddha.

and now my PichoPacho. this is my first nephew Eric. Ben's older brother. In case you are wondering which one he is, he is the Michael Phelps Jr that is jumping off! ok. ok. so maybe this is not a close up picture and you are not able to see how handsome he is. But I chose this picture because it reminds me so much of the little man that he is. He LOVES sports. Soccer is his love. when he was young, he knew players just by seeing what jersey they were wearing. And he couldn't read at 2, so its not like if he was reading the names on the back. Swimming is his latest thing. And let me tell you, he is pretty good at it. He keeps advancing level to level without a problem. In his last class he was amongst 10 year olds. This is who he is. He likes to venture into things that help him gain knowledge and grow. He has always been really quick on picking up on new things. He loves learning stuff that have to do with dinosaurs, astronomy, and sports. He is smart, funny, and shy. He LOVES his Tia Cindy and he definitely tries very hard to please me. Having a conversation with him is now very entertaining, especially since he contributes to it very well. And his smile... I love his smile. It lights up his beautiful eyes. I love my Picho Pacho.

these are my boys. Even after I have my own... these two will still be my boys. if they only knew how much they helped me years ago to get out of a rut I was in. this is only one of the reasons why they mean so much to me.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

weekend summary

2008-08-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

this was a great weekend. Like always, I wish it was a longer one. I really think that Friday should somehow be incorporated into the weekends. I know some people that work 4 days a week, for 10 hours a day. Personally, I wouldn't mind having this schedule. I always feel as if though I just need 1 more day.
Anywho - so this weekend I had a party, I babysat a precious child. And I went to another party. Good times. I usually enjoy the weekends when I get to just relax. I enjoy being at home and just watching movies and cuddling in bed. But every now and then I need to get out and have a drink, socialize here and there, and just enjoy myself. That is what this weekend was like. I think next weekend might be the same. I already have Saturday kind of booked.
A thought came to me this weekend - what if I were to end up being a single mother? Am I up for that challenge? I know it can be done. My mom did it, and there are plenty out there that are doing it as well. But am I ready as a person to take on this task? Just a thought - I know I won't be a single mother - but I am just what-iffing. Sometimes you do not have control of what is handed to you. It is best to be prepared.
Oh, so thanks to all that have recently been reading my blog. I am lucky enough to have a fan that has sent my link out to some people. I have gotten great reviews. I have been told that they enjoy my writing skills. That is awesome! It was also interesting to hear their perspective on what they thought I was talking about when I wrote a certain post. Some of their ideas were way off. Some were on the dot. It has always fascinated me to sit with other people and read the same book, poem, whatever and then discuss what we got out of it. You would be surprised at how different we all see things. It is also quite fun finding out what the writer was really trying to convey and seeing how close your interpretation was. I had some great conservations about my posts and on others' views. So thanks for the extra hits! Keep coming back to read if you please. As for me, I will blog some other time. Time to work!

enjoy the silence
-Cin

tgif

2008-08-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

man these Olympics are really kicking my butt. I love watching them as much as I love watching the World Cup, but they throw my sleeping schedule completely off. Today it caught up to me and I was 30 minutes late to work. The rest of the week I had pulled it off. Oh well, at least its Friday and I am able to rest tomorrow.
On another note - I miss JZ =( . Come back to me lol
My last post was a good therapy session. It helped me in more ways than one. I slept better that night. It felt as if though a big weight was lifted off my shoulders and I actually have answers to some of my questions. Like how to deal with my friend. Things have definitely improved within me on how to deal with this person.
It also opened the forum for someone from my past to come into my present and comment on it. This person never seems to want to go away. What can I say ... this person loves me. I have proof. This person's comments helped me see how far I have come. I am older now. I have more stability in my life. I have stronger friendships. I am happy. I have had my downs, but that is part of life. Ying Yang right? You have to take the good and bad. This person made me realize how lucky I am to have the life that I have and to have the people in my life. I appreciate the ones that I am closest to dearly. As for this person, they do not have a meaning in my life. Their words do not have any substance so I decided on not publishing their comments. There is enough chaos in this world. I do not need to add some of it to my blog. It is my blog and I want to keep it bullshit free. I really hope this person just moves on and lives their life to the fullest. I have nothing more to say to them. I will not be posting about them either. My blog is reserved for important things in my life. This person is not part of my life, and has no importance to me. So this is the last you will hear of them. If they decide to continue with the comments... I will continue with the REJECT button.
And now to my delicious lunch. Something that I craved since yesterday.

enjoy the silence

Cin

a letter to an old friend

2008-08-14T00:30:00.001-07:00

long lost letter written to a friend. last paragraph was added today:

do you remember the day we first met? I was so scared that people would not like me. That I would not fit in. I knew that I was either going to be liked by others or I was going to dig a hole to hide in for the rest of my life. I wanted to be accepted by not only my peers and friends, but by my family as well. I came to you asking what did I have to do to ensure that this would always be the case. I knew that you would have the answers I was searching for. You told me that it did not matter what others thought. That I had to love myself first before anyone could see what a great person I really was. Or else, all they would see is someone miserable. And although misery loves company - not everyone enjoys it's company. I was confused. That was not exactly what I wanted to hear at the time. All I heard was you telling me that I was a great person. And that is what I chose to walk away with as your advice. I didn't know that you told me this only because you loved me unconditionally, regardless of my flaws and weaknesses.
so there I was... scared, naive, but ready to venture out into this world that was ready to swallow me whole. I felt so strong. I felt ready to take on any challenge. Times were hard. I had some highs, but I definitely had a lot of lows. I got hurt so many times along the way. People that I never thought would hurt me, did. So many that I thought were my friends, turned their backs on me. And many that I had been loyal to, forgot about me. And there I was again. scared and this time...alone. I thought you said I was a great person? I came back to you once more, puzzled, angry, in need of answers. Why did you tell me these lies!?!?!?!? Why did I feel lonely, even when friends were around? Like always you had a reply. You told me that I had failed to really listen to you. You told me that I had failed in loving myself. I had gotten so caught up with trying to impress everyone else. And trying to make sure everyone else was happy, that I forgot about the most important person - myself. You asked me how can I make someone else happy, when inside I was still the same person I was back when we first talked. I was trying to figure out what my self-worth was. And I cried for the first time in front of someone. I let it all out. So much time had passed. So many faces and names had come and gone. How can I recover all of those losses? Was I forsaken to a life that contained solitude?
And you reached out to me and gripped my hand tightly. You told me that it was true that so much time had passed. And that it was true that I had not followed your advice and had gone off the path. there was no more going back - only forward. But you told me there was still hope. You assured me that there was still time. Once more, I asked what could I do. And your answer was the same as before.
This time I walked away with my tears gone and my head high. If after all of this time you still had that much faith in me, then I knew that there had to be truth behind your words. I pushed myself. I improved on my day to day routine to become a better person. And each time something bad came along, I would make the best of it and push forward. As time passed it became easier to maintain friendships and relationships because I had realized who I really was and I was comfortable with that person.
After many years had passed, the one thing that remained constant in my life was my relationship with you. I knew that I could always turn to you for help and support. You never turned your back on me. You were never too busy for me. And one day I asked you, why was I so lucky to have you in my life? Your reply was simple. You said that you always knew that I was this great person. And that once I allowed you into my life, you knew you could never give up on me. And this is why you were always by my side. Even when I was at my lowest. Once more I cried. I was indeed lucky to have such a great friend.
And now- after many more years have been added to our friendship - I am once more in need of your calm and comforting words. Please help me find that peace within myself that I have been searching for recently. Please help me get a grip on my constant battles. If anyone can help me, it's you. For I know now that I am only a great person because of you and all you have done for me. This is why if anyone can help me get rid of these tears - it will be you. And until the day I die, the one constant thing in my life will always be you and your unconditional love for me. That on its own brings a bit of ease to my restless mind. Thank you.

enjoy the silence -

Cin