LOOK. I'm on HGTV

wow.

so Mr. Tortilla Face has finally realized that a lot of shit is about to go down. (not like in the alley, with knives and bats, just a lot of stuff that we normally do not have on our calendars) I have been telling him over and over again that we are going to get busy very soon, but he never pays attention. and this weekend he said to me

Tortilla: I think I am going to need a calendar.

Me: why is that?

Tortilla: man, I have so much shit lined up, that I need to make sure that I don't agree to do something with someone when I already have stuff going on with others.

Me: hahahah I told you.

Tortilla: I know, but I thought you were just trying to scare me.

so the truth is that we have a lot of stuff lined up. I have June and July only and then all of the planning and all of the headaches will come to an end. Right now, I have to make sure that I get my calendar organized. And then I have to make sure that I follow that calendar. And then I have to make sure that I stay sane in the process.

one thing is for sure, this whole process has allowed me to see a bit more of what kind of person I am. I have learned to be a bit more patient with others. I have learned that I bend over for others sometimes...when I shouldn't bend too much. I have learned that I am stronger and am able to handle a good amount of things on my own. I have learned that I am organized. I have learned that my relationship with Mr. Tortilla Face is awesome. I have also learned to take a step back and have told myself that this is my wedding. The excitement within me is not the same as what is within everyone else. And that is ok. So I do not hold this against anyone. (except for Mr. Tortilla Face... he better be ECSTATIC!!!!!) I just want my closest to be there with me =)

the one thing that is bothering me is the people that are flaking on me. I do not like flakers.
People have known for months when activities will take place, and yet they have made other commitments. People have told me that they want to be included and when I ask if they want to come along to whatever new adventure I have lined up, they already have other stuff planned. so instead of getting upset and getting wrinkles (like a friend of mine said), I simply move on. the organized part inside of me has sent out emails to keep everyone up to date with what is going on. I ask personally if anyone wants to join me. If someone commits or volunteers, then I stand by their word and expect them to be there. I know that sometimes things come up that force you to change your plans, and that is ok. But unless they tell me that the plans have changed, I figure that they will be there. if they flake, then I just move on and go on my adventure by myself. I cannot get mad every time. I cannot pout. I want to enjoy this as much as I can. So I cannot focus too much energy on the flakers. And I don't want to be labeled as a "bridezilla" so I don't make a fuss. BUT I do remember. I do remember who did stick by their word. And that makes a difference in how I view people in my life.

so to those that are flaking on me now please get a calendar. Google offers a great one. Please be like Mr. Tortilla Face and get organized. June and July will probably be busy months for me. And to those that made the commitment to be there ... hint hint: these are the months that you want to make an appearance. I will be ever so grateful. Even if all you are doing is standing around and making me laugh.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

marichui is my hero

I am mad.

I am happy.

I am sad.

I am excited.

all in a time span of two days.

you might think to yourself "self, Cin is bi-polar."

well guess what self... I'm not. true story. it's just my life.


let me explain.


I am mad at the fact that I have had a headache for about two days now. No, I am not on my period. Yes, I am blaming it on life. I will explain in the "I am sad" section.

I am happy because every time that I do something that is wedding related - like reserve rooms, or buy my name card stuff, or glitter (kidding, there will be no glitter), or sashes for my ladies - it brings a smile to my face. so much stuff has been happening lately, that it has not allowed me to really enjoy the fact that my wedding is slowly, but surely creeping up on me. This once more is life's fault. It throws plenty at you sometimes and keeps you occupied. You tend to forget to smell the roses, or to say "thank you" or "I love you." so recently I have allowed myself those guilty pleasures and have enjoyed those small wedding moments.

and then comes the I am sad part. Life always creeps back into your life to remind you that it is in control and always does it when you think you have things under control. This is where I was at. My grandma has improved tremendously from her surgery. She is almost back to her normal shit-talking self. This week she started chemotherapy. We knew that the tumor had reached her liver, but we were unsure as to how close it really was...until yesterday. Apparently, it has attached itself to her liver and there really isn't much that can be done for her. The doctor has given her 18 months to live. The chemo that is being given to her is only so that the cancer will not reach her pancreas and therefore giving her more time to live. Of course everyone reacts to chemo differently and there have been plenty of people that have lasted longer than the 18 months that they were given. For now, we play the waiting game. The chemo will be given to her as long as her body can take it. If it becomes too much for her, then the chemo sessions will not continue. There is no way she wants to live if she will be suffering. This is where I get mad. Mad at life. Mad that it would do this to her. Mad that I cannot do a thing about it. And then the sadness hits me. I cannot dwell on it, but the thought is there- what if she cannot be there the day I get married?

For now she is here. And she took the first session like a true champ. This is why I am excited. There is hope. There really is. And with that I can share with her the latest step in my life. Soon it will be complete, and when it is I will show her with pride and joy. And I know that she will be there for many more times of joy.

so you see, I am not bi-polar. I am just living life the only way I know how. With a smile on my face. With tears in my eyes. With a fist in the air. And with a knot of butterflies in my stomach.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

reflection in random train of thought

did you know that people suck? yea... they still do.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

today is the day of a significant change in my life. I am excited. I am proud. I am scared. I am confident. I am glad that I have Mr. Tortilla Face to share this with. I wouldn't want it any other way.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

my blog has been a bit negative recently. sorry mostly because there have been a lot of changes in my life recently. the biggest one is my opinion on some of my friends/acquaintances/family. the change has caused me to reorganize my priority list. It also allowed me to learn that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. my relationship with Mr. Tortilla Face is stronger than I even imagined. so although I have been a bit down because of the recent changes, I am happy that my life is moving in a direction that I have wanted in a long time. And although it might be sad that not everyone I love and care for is coming along for the ride - I can live with that.
they say you are your ten closest friends - why keep someone around that is only dragging me down? or being negative?

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I am thankful for friends though. Devina and I finally got through a huge hurdle - she got her MOH dress!!!!! which means that I can now do a lot of stuff. not that I am doing any of it, but I can do them now!!!!! Her dress is bootyful (and I'm not saying that because of her) I just really like it. its simple. its a great color. and it will make my vision come true.
She has actually been a great help in getting me out of this hole that I have been in. Friday night we shopped and dined. I was in the worst of moods on Friday and she made it all better. Even though she didn't let me buy these blue flats that were so purty.
And then Saturday, after hanging out with the soon to be mom-in-law, we went to Beverly Hills. shopped. had a great lunch. talked. compared penises. and shared our lunch. actually I made her take mine, but whatevs. same difference.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

and now the only thing I need that would make things go smoothly is seeing my nephews. I will be travelling up north (to go see them of course) and then ... only then ... will things really be turning around for me.

so until then - I am waiting patiently.
I am sitting happy that Bonds wishes me happiness.
I am leaving on Friday.
And I might do a little dance. For ol' times.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

bridezilla or loner

I realized last night that I have a lot of stuff to do for the wedding and I have no idea why I haven't done any of it (especially the small stuff). I already know what I want. I pretty much have shopped around and know where to go for what I need, yet I've managed to do nothing about it. I am so used to being a procrastinator and leaving shit until the last minute (I am one of those shoppers running around the mall on Christmas eve), but my gut instinct tells me that I shouldn't procrastinate for this occasion.

In my defense, I know that my procrastination is not the only one to blame - at least not this time.

a lot of it has to do with the lack of motivation. I am very motivated for August to show up and be over with. I am very motivated to get in my dress and prance around like a princess for a day. I am very motivated to start my life as Mrs. Tortilla-Face.

I just don't have any motivation to get anything done because as soon as I start to work on a project: I usually get excited. I show "x" friend or family member or tortilla face. And for the most part, "x" person is not as excited as I am. I know that it's my vision so they may not see things like I do. And I don't expect them to have the same level of excitement as I do. But man... this is my wedding. its a celebration bitches. fake it. anywho - the lack of excitement or interest from certain people just deflates my own motivation.

People have told me "who cares if no one is excited... it's your day!" That is slightly true. Although it might be "my day", I would love it if I could share it with those that matter to me. When those people would rather talk about the economy or the weather, it bums me out. What good is "my day" going to be if the people that matter only want to know when, where, and what's being served?

maybe I am over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion. I admit that drama is sometimes welcomed in my life. And I am not stupid - I know that just because I am getting married, it does not mean that everyone should stop their lives and tend to me 24.7. I just want those that I care for to be there with me.

Whatevs. I'll get over it. Like I always do. For now let me enjoy my moment even if it's one that makes me sad.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

lucky to be me, right?

man oh man.

this coming weekend - wedding (not mine)
next weekend - birthday and party (not mine)
Christmas
weekend after that - my weekend to work
New Years
birthday (mine)

can we say exhaustion?
I haven't even started buying gifts. I still have to worry about this wedding before I can even begin to tackle the holidays.
what am I talking about exhaustion...the only thing that is being exhausted is my bank account.
I have to admit, I love giving. gift shopping for friends and family is always fun. this is why being limited due to the wedding bums me out. I hate limitations.

one great thing has happened. I got Tiffany back. yay!

on to other things - I have started taking one of my hobbies/dreams quite seriously lately. I am taking it so serious that I am looking into certain things to help me out with making this dream come true. I never like to talk about it or say it out loud because I hate to jinx myself. Yes, I know... superstitious. Still, I cannot wait until I really get some progress going. For now, I am just pushing myself.

I finished the Twilight series. Very interesting. Was it worth the sleepless nights? Definitely. Would I have made changes? Yup. Book 1 was isntant love. Book 2 was too much about Jacob and Bella, and although I understand why they went over them so much... I think it could have been cut short. Some parts did not have to go into that much details. Book 3 was gooood. I think some of book 3 could have been mixed with book 2. I don't want to say how in case someone that hasn't read them, happens to run into this blog and I spoil parts for them. Book 4 was really good, but a bit rushed toward the end. All of the explaining in Book 2 should have been used in book 4. Now follow along, don't get lost... but I would have given book 2 of book 4 to Edward and not Jacob. And I would have made a Book 5 so that I would be able to explain some parts. Having said all of that .... I still loved them. I still want to see the movies. And I am still fantasizing about Edward Cullen. (sigh)
ok now I have to go pry tortilla face from the football game so that we can go wedding-gift-shopping. I doubt it will happen though, his team is playing which means that he will not leave the television until the game is over.

For now, enjoy the chilly weather in California. and enjoy the holidays that are slowly but surely creeping up on us.

enjoy the silence,

Cin

excitement

and here comes the weekend...
somehow it feels as if though I should really be excited about what's recent in my life, but it has either NOT hit me as of yet. or I am turning into the stidkid and being non-chalant. something inside tells me I should be busy. stressing. planning. worrying. instead I am blah. well, to be completely truthful, when people ask what I plan on doing with certain things... I get excited talking to them about my ideas and start googling for more ideas. And then it just kind of goes away because I either emailed the idea to someone to see what they think. Or work pulls me back to the now.
If by my birthday I am not peeing my pants out of excitement... something is definitely wrong with me. For now, I am focusing on my sister's wedding. FUN times. Well at least for me it is. I have been searching for cakes, photographers, chair covers, etc. I get to go see things up front with her. And I get to pick her ideas out of her head and try to materialize them before our eyes. I am her maid of honor =) That on its own is quite exciting. I was my older sister's maid of honor. But, since I was only 17 at the time, they did not allow me to sign as the witness. It doesn't matter - she asked me to be her MOH. And now I get the glory and honor again. yes, I said glory. Why glory you ask? because I will be the next in line that matters. or at least that is how I play it out in my head. I am there to support, help, and work my ass off for the bride. Which in this case, it's my little sister's wedding, so there will be a lot of ass working. Any who - I will be glorified by her for helping out so much. And considering that I was jipped in my older sister's wedding - I will take full stride in this one and make sure that I play the MOH role as best as I can. Needless to say, I am excited. I really want to help her out so that she can remember this day with a smile.
So, tomorrow my day begins with a trip to the dog park. Comet and Rocket will socialize.
A bath. For me, not the dogs.
Visiting pastry centers and trying to stay away from them as much as I can so that my MOH dress can fit me "like a glove."
Chilling.
Goint to Belle's 30th birthday bash! (insane, THIRTY freakin' years old)
and then its Sunday. no plans as of yet. I usually like to just .... sleep. We will see how that goes.
Since it is now 7:11pm. (I love when the time reminds me of something, in this case the convenient store and its slushees), and I have to head out like a trout. Enjoy the weekend. And most importantly,

enjoy the silence
-Cin