6 more months to go. Crazy right? People ask me constantly if I have the jitters or if the butterflies are driving me nuts already. The truth is – no. I am more than excited at what is coming, but the nerves are still in hide mode. I think that they will show up on the day of.

I have never dreamt of my wedding day. I was not that little girl that would play the bride role let alone the wife role with my friends. I have never imagined myself in my fantasy dress. I don't even have a fantasy dress. I have never pictured how it would all play out. Maybe this is why I am not a ball of nerves. Is this wrong? Is something wrong with me for not caring and dreaming about these things? I mean it is going to be a once in a lifetime deal. I should care right??? I should be nervous and worried and starting to stress.
But I’m not.
This day is truly very important to me. And this day will be amazing. But to me, the part that is important is the commitment being made on that day. Not the amount of flowers, or how tall my cake was. All of the extra things will make the day more memorable, but in the end… what I will remember the most is how we made that commitment to each other. The way he looked at me. Our first kiss as husband and wife.
And beautiful bouquets will make my pictures stand out – but they will not give more meaning to his words.

So nerves… I await your company. I welcome the challenge. Just please … if you do show up on the day of, can you make sure you do not bring nausea and sweaty palms with you. I would really appreciate it.

Enjoy the silence
-Cin

when you are young... you live this fantasy life. you come up with an image of how things are supposed to work out. you look at adults and their actions and think "silly grown-ups. I'm going to do it so much better." in your mind you have set up how great you will be as a wife/ husband/ parent. you have convinced yourself that you will know how to multi-task better than anyone in the history of multi-tasking and things will run smoothly.

and then you become one of these silly grown-ups. and life changes.

reality sets in and it does not hold back on how harsh life can sometimes be. sometimes even when you have plans, reality and life like to play around and change your plans. all of those fantasies that you used to have - out the window.
now don't get me wrong... I am not saying that you grow up and your dreams will never come true. I am just saying that reality and fantasy are very different. And for the most part, you cannot mistaken living in both. Unless you live in a padded room of course. But for the most part, your fantasies remain just that - images and dreams that you had as a kid of what life was going to be like.
life forces you to set priorities. It forces you to choose and make goals. It forces you to start your life in a way that does not necessarily play out how you wanted it to. it shoves reality in front of you when you search for a new home and realize that they do not all come with a white picket fence. or when you apply for a new job and realize that it does not automatically make you a millionaire.

this is where I am at right now. actually, I have been here for a while now. I am on stepping stones to a life I imagined when I was younger. and some of these stepping stones are jagged and uncomfortable, but I am pushing through because although I am a silly adult now... inside of me lives that kid that loves to dream and that fantasizes on a different life. the kid in me is what keeps me going and pushes me to want more out of this life, while the adult I have become reminds me that reality forces you to take things one at a time in order to survive life.

Although I think its a great balance to have... I don't ever want that kid to fade. If it's gone - then I fear living life as a robot on day to day routine that many of us already follow and with no dreams to pursue.
So don't let that kid fade. Keep your dreams alive. And push each day. Dream each day.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

the postman will not be in

change is already here and it had nothing to do with Obama.

I was watching the news and saw that the mail has dropped by 9 million items just this past year. This is the highest it has dropped in a very long time.

Normally this would blow past my head and I would move on, but lately everything makes me think and pick things apart.
Pros: the nation is finally going green. bills are being paid online. emails are being saved. trees are being saved.
Cons: less mail means less positions needed. positions being cut means less employees needed. less employees means more unemployment.

so this is a double-edge sword. although we are improving and helping out mother nature, we are suffering as a race with this economic drought.

I am grateful for the job I have. I know that although I might not be happy at times, I am at least able to go to a home, and serve dinner, and plan a wedding, and plan a future. This makes me happy.
So now I pray. I pray that if the post office does let go of people - that the nation comes together as a whole and is able to come up with other places to place these new people in.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

luscious.

LUSCIOUS. Don’t you just like that word? I do. I like it so much that I am going to use it more often. It is now part of my vocabulary.

On to other things.

I had a discussion with someone recently about feelings and emotions and reactions. This person’s argument is that people choose to be upset. According to this person, if something happens to you that would normally upset you – you have the choice to be upset or to shrug it off. Their example was a break up. Imagine getting dumped. You have just been dumped and you are sad, disappointed, lonely. You choose to be this way. You should be able to tell yourself not to feel this way and shrug these things off. You should be able to convince yourself to not allow this to bother you and make you sad. It is your choice. You can control the way you feel.
I don’t agree. I think that we are simply human. We get upset. We get happy. We get sad. It is an instinct that we have. We are not robots. If something happens to us that creates an emotion, then we … emote. I do believe that we do have a choice on how to react over our feelings. Let’s go back the example given above. I have just been dumped. I am clearly not a happy camper. I have the choice to allow myself to become so lonely and depressed that I resort to stalking my ex. I have the choice to cry for weeks and try to distract myself. I cannot just turn my feelings off. I cannot just convince myself that getting dumped is an okay thing. I might not be able to control my feelings and turn them on and off, but I can control how I will react.

Why did I blog about this? Well, I just think that it’s quite… interesting. I thought it was an interesting observation from someone else. I wonder if it made a difference that this person was a male. I wonder what made him think this way. Do you agree?

enjoy the silence
-Cin

change is among us

to all of those that have been living under a rock recently, tomorrow will be the inauguration of our 44th president: Barack Obama.

Normally, I wouldn't care. I would see this day as the day that someone is presented to the American nation as their leader, but I would not be tuning in or showing interest. Tomorrow will be different.

I don't really care which side you stand on. If you think that Obama is the answer to all of our prayers... wonderful. If you think we will all burn in hell because he is our next president... drastic, but your opinion. I have always felt that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, so people can choose to interpret his coming to presidency how they prefer. Right now, this is not a conversation I want to be part of.

Change is among us. Tomorrow we will present to the United States of America our 44th president, Barack Obama. Most importantly, our first African-American president. Now, regardless of how you feel about this situation or about him, you have to realize that this is a historical event.
I cannot assure you that he will make things better. I know that it would take time to improve our economy and current situation in the US, regardless of who would have become our next president.

But I can assure you that tomorrow will be a day that history teachers will teach about. And grandparents will tell their grand kids about how they experienced the day first hand. And 30 years from now, the future of that time will wonder what the experience was like. Just like I wondered how it would have been to be around the JFK era.



Tomorrow will be different folks. I personally can appreciate being part of this event.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

the horrible neglect

oh 2009.. are you over already?

this year has been a disaster already. that's right! I said it.

I have tried to keep my head up this year and tried to turn it all into a positive experience, but so far.. things have gone downhill as well as I.

so you think I am being a bit dramatic? maybe I am. but this time... it is drama with substance.

let me explain:
I have had a cold now for about two weeks. (keep in mind that it is the 15th of the month) at first it was a silly little headache and cough that started on 1/2/09. I was heading out to Vegas, so I popped some medicine and hung in there during the weekend. I came back feeling ok, but the cough persisted. Some time around the 7th or the 8th I lost my voice (at least Mr. Tortilla Face wish it did), I just sounded really manly. Then the weekend came... and the fevers began. Sunday was spent in bed because there was no energy in me that could will me to do anything else. And trust me, I had plans... DISNEY! Tuesday I left work early. my fever was so high my head couldn't stand my glasses. Yesterday I stayed in bed all day. I made best of friends with NyQuil. today I am back at work, but miserable. my nose is leaking. my head hurts when I cough. I am so congested. I am wearing a scarf in this wonderful summer/winter weather of ours. bizarre.

this cold has ruined 2009 for me thus far. I know that I tend to over-react, but trust me... this year has sucked. I cannot get my head on straight because it is congested and coughing and throbbing half of the time. and although I have been at work, its almost like if I am not here because I cannot seem to concentrate on anything in front of me. I get tired quickly. and after lunch I just want to go home. so now I am behind on work.
and my friends have come around, but I have no energy in me to enjoy the time with them. Don't take it personal, but right now I just want my bed.

there are two things that I have learned from my cold and such.
* Mr. Tortilla Face can pamper me =) he loves me. he made me a sandwich last night.
* everyone suddenly becomes a pharmacist when you have a cold.

anywho - 2009 can you please be nicer to me. I am going to go home now and talk to my bff NyQuil. I hope that tomorrow all of my symptoms are long and gone... if not... man 2009 is going to be hard.