over rated

there are so many things in life that are freakin' over rated.
like working for the sake of having a paycheck. you work and work and work. and bust your ass to get through the day and the week. just so that you can get a paycheck and pay your bills. you should work because you enjoy your job. you should work because not only does it help you pay your bills, but it also helps you become an accomplished person that contributes to society. if you work for a paycheck, you are most likely miserable. unless you're nonchalant, and nothing really matters or bothers you.
worthless acquaintances are also over rated. like I stated in another blog - not all acquaintances are friends, but sometimes they pretend to be. it becomes confusing. fuck the formalities. why can't people just be up front. if I am here to work and you happen to be here for the same reason - why can't we just be that? two people that work together. why do we have to pretend to like each other when we really do not care? and also, if we happen to have a mutual friend - we are NOT forced to be friends. there is no hidden rule that says that we all have to hang out and become bffs. a cordial hello. and an occasional hang out session is enough. stop with the pretending that you like me because of our mutual friend. it's OK if we do not get along.
anniversaries are also over rated. you go through a lot in a year. not necessarily bad memories, but just a lot. why does it have to be boiled down to one day? one day of remembering what... that you made it through another year? how depressing is that. the pressure of buying gifts for each other is ridiculous. getting upset because after 425.3 years you have ran out of ideas on gifts is ridiculous. just treat an anniversary as another day and as a great excuse to take time off from work. the love you two have for each other should be spread throughout every day that you spend together. not just on anniversaries.

having said that - I am off next week. I need a vacation from so much over rated and unnecessary bullcrap.
enjoy the silence people. I will.

Cin

weekend summary

good morning to you all.
actually, I am quite bitter today and there was nothing good about this morning. So as rude as it may sound, I hope no one was able to sleep well last night. and if you did - I envy you, truly.
last night I had to share my sleeping time with somebody that snores. this person snores very loudly. I usually have a plan when this happens. I try to fall asleep before they do so that I can avoid hearing them snore. Last night I was tired and I knocked out before they did - plan worked. Then at 4 in the morning I was awoken to loud snoring in my face. Somehow they had invaded my space and had decided that my ear was a great place to snore into. I shoved and poked and moved. All I got was them moving slightly over. finally around 4:45am I fell back asleep. this ruined my Sunday night sleep. And my Monday morning wake-up routine. I usually get up at 5:45am to get ready for work, today I woke up at 7:00am. needless to say I was and am tired.
that was how my weekend ended.
As for it starting - I went to go check out the Stepbrothers. This movie started out with such a bang that I was laughing my ass off. part after part I could not stop laughing. And then... it just slowed down. I caught myself checking the time, trying to calculate how long the movie was and how much longer I had to sit there. Every now and then some funny parts would come in. I admit that it ended well, but somewhere in the middle I got bored.
I had some stuff on my mind that I wanted to write about this weekend, but right now - I am exhausted. My mind is not in it's right state. I have to get my mind working because Comet has his training class tonight and I need to make sure that I am the pack leader - not him. If I allow him, he will run me over. Do you know how tiresome it is sitting with a 50+lbs Golden Retriever adolescent that wants to sniff everyone and anything and can pull you without trying? Plus he thinks he is a puppy still and wants to be treated as one. time for some major caffeine.

enjoy the silence.

Cin

double-u, tee, eff

today was supposed to be a good day. f*ck him for ruining it so early in the morning. It isn't even 9 in the morning and he has managed to be an asshole already. Good job! thumbs up to ya. I was not aware that my job required me to be an accountant, assistant and a baby-sitter. I should get paid extra for that last one.
I refuse to allow him to ruin my day. inhale... exhale. I am going to do my work to my best ability as I always do. I will leave him be with his sissy fits. maybe aunt flow came to visit him...
a big fu to him.

today he needs to practice and enjoy the silence

-Cin

shitty attitude...

this is what I have today. I've had it since yesterday actually. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but something has triggered a shitty attitude within me. and whatever that something is or was, the attitude has lingered on until today. And no it is not aunt flow making her monthly visit that has me bothered. Not even close
Man, why do people suck???
This kind of attitude, the shitty one, is the one that I hate the most. It bothers me because I can never figure out what pissed me off so much that I cannot get over it. As hard as I try, I can never remember what it was that set me off to begin with. Maybe it wasn't even a big deal. Maybe it was just a look someone gave me. Maybe it was a big deal and I should address it. I guess I will never know because the only thing I do remember is that it (whatever it is), put me in a bad mood and I can't shake it off.

let me help you understand my shitty mood the best way I can:
today is the day where you wake up on time, ready to face the day ahead of you. only to find out that you ran out of shampoo... while you are in the shower. And of course, you haven't gone to the store lately so you don't have a spare one. you make the best of it and use soap, making a mental note that you must stop to get shampoo. there really is no need to be negative so early in the morning. it's a quick fix.
you get dressed. head out with enough time to make it to work... only to realize that you have no gas. And now you have to stop at the gas station, which means you will be late to work. It's ok really, still not mad. You will simply call and let your boss know. You're hardly ever late, he will understand.
Finally, you rush into work and you settle in and go about your daily routine. When of course, today would be that day when your boss needs you to research this, call here, print that - he is super busy and somehow he has finally decided that you are adequate enough to assist him. This in turn puts you behind in your own workload. The constant little projects he is giving you with deadlines are starting to get under your skin. Will he ever do any of his own work? You complete everything, quietly, but secretly cursing him out. You just want the day to end. You don't even bother complaining.
Finally, after a long day at work - no lunch - you head back on the highway and sit in traffic. Yes, the day can get worse.
Home sweet home. all you want to do is rest, but yes, this is too much to ask for. your loved one wants to tell you all about their day. On a regular day this would not be a problem, but today... today you wish you had some strong duct tape. That optimistic person that woke up this morning is no longer in sight. All you contribute to the conversation is on the negative end. Irritation and sarcasm is oozing out of each sentence that you blurt out. Can it be any more obvious? And even when your loved one genuinely asks what is wrong... you turn the tables. Somehow it's their fault. No if's and but's about it. Finally they've had enough and let you know that "god, you're in a shitty mood today." DING! DING! DING! they are correct. But instead of winning a prize, they win more attitude.
Time for bed. This wretched day is over. Nothing else can possibly go wrong. And nothing does. but as you lay in bed something deep inside of you keeps flashing red. What can it be? Why is your mind unsettled? Why does it feel as if though you forgot something? What can it possibly be? ..... then it hits you. damn that shampoo. you forgot all about it. hopefully there's still soap.

and this ladies and gents, is how I have been feeling since yesterday. things keep piling up only to worsen my mood. and I am sure that I have taken it out on a few here and there. sorry if this applies to you. Jeremy, I know he's one of them. his patience still amazes me. so what can I do? c'est la vie. maybe this post helped me out. and if not... there will always be tomorrow.

enjoy the silence.

Cin

weekend summary

so I am a day behind. talk about trying to get up on a Monday morning. It's just in the morning when I am supposed to be getting up that its hard. Once my eyes are open and I am off my bed - I am ready to go. I would like to meet that one person that can get up on a Monday early AM, without a problem, getting ready for work or school. You will not find me to be that person! I was running behind yesterday. Or at least it seems that I was because I kept feeling like if the day had gone by so quickly and I still needed more time to finish what was in front of me.

So what was my weekend like? Relaxing, but with plenty to do. I did not have to stress out too much with what I had to do, but it did keep me busy. Saturday - breakfast with the ladies, cleaning my room, BBQ. Sunday - soccer game. I had some pictures to post up, but I uploaded them on my laptop at home so this post will have to do without. I do have pictures of us at the soccer game.

This was on Sunday at the game. El Salvador vs Guatemala. The game ended tied, but it was actually a good game. In case you haven't noticed - we were on the Salvie side. And damn proud to be a Guanaca. And I am not saying this because we are Salvies, but they played a better game. They managed the ball well. Did some good set ups. They just could not complete the play with a goal. Which is obviously what they needed to do in order to win the game. Guatemala on the other hand, looked sloppy. I don't know if they were really missing Carlos Ruiz, or if that is how they always play. I do know that if they play the way they did on Sunday versus the US - they are going to face the wrath of 8 goals like the Barbados team recently did.

I did have fun this Sunday being amongst so many Central Americans. The guys behind us are up there with some of the best shit talkers. I don't think I've heard "hijo de puta" (son of a bitch) as much as I heard it on Sunday. And trust me...my mom has a potty mouth, but she had nothing on these guys. They sang the anthem loud and proud, poked fun at the Guate fans, and threatened to throw cups with piss in them at any one of the Guate fans that gave them shit. Really, what is the fascination with pissing in a cup and throwing it into a crowd? Especially if your aim is horrible and you end up hitting the wrong person. Even with all of the mysterious fluids flying, I did not really see any fights. They did get into each other's faces and there was a lot of shit talking, but overall it wasn't violent.

Through the "culero" chants and the "hijo de putas" and "cerotes" being thrown around, I caught myself listening to the way they interacted with each other. At home, only my mom was born in El Salvador. And after many years of living here in the US and now being a citizen, her accent only comes out when she is around the rest of the family. For those of you who do not know - different Hispanics have different accents. They use different words and express themselves differently. Even the tone is different. I love their accent. I had a blast just listening to the simple sentences they composed. Even if it was one where they made fun of the indian dialect that Guatemalans use. I wanted to be part of it, but feared that my Spanish would not be Salvadorean enough. I think I am going to start practicing my Spanish. My goal is to sound at least a little bit like them. I mean the blood inside of me is Salvie, why can't the accent?

I'm glad we went to the game. It was a lot of fun. Even Jeremy (whom by the way was nationalized by some Salvadoreans with their flags), had fun. He said he had never seen so many flags in one place! He enjoyed the patriotism. It's nice to enjoy the culture even if it was only for 2 hours. The only thing I wonder is what happened to the giant Guatemalan flag that was sent into the crowd? Hopefully no one ripped it into toilet paper like I heard so many threaten they would if the flag came their way.

enjoy the silence all

-Cin

scars and bruises

I have to admit that I am feeling much much better now that my gallstones are out. Sleep has come back to me. I have also joined forces with this thing called productivity. There is so much that I am getting done now at work and at home since I am no longer tired and in pain. Talk about relief.

I went this week to what was supposed to be my last appointment with the doctor. She was only going to clean out my incisions and put new bandages on. I had mentioned to her that my cuts were really itching and that I thought my belly button smelled. Yes, I thought I had a smelly belly... button that is. She laid me out, checked me out, and let me know some things that I thought were hilarious and scary all at once.

For one, I am allergic to adhesive tape. My skin reacted

against the tape and created small blisters and a rash underneath the steri-strips. This is why it was itching so much. Out of the 4 incisions, 2 are healing as planned. 1 of them is still... open. The irritation from the rash did not allow it to close. As you can see, it looks like a hole with bumps all around it. Pretty grose.

My belly button does not look as bad because I had taken the bandages off after the 1st week. But there is still irritation around it because some adhesive was left on the surrounding area. I seem to have a true "innie" which means that each time I showered, water would collect there. And although I would dry it, I would not be able to get all of the water out. This did not help the healing process because the area would be constantly moist.

So now I get to take care of all of my incisions and rashes and innie problems on my own. I have an ointment for my rash. Neosporin for my belly button. And I have to make sure that I do NOT put any kind of band-aid or anything with adhesive on it. This is the funny part for me. I have never heard of anyone being allergic to tape. Talk about sensitive skin. The scary part comes right after.. it will now take longer to heal. First the rash, then the hole. I hope it closes up. I do not want it to heal like if I had a crater on my stomach/side.

Another interesting fact I learned this trip to my doctor is what people do with their gallstones. I've had a few people ask me if I had seen the stones. I could not even imagine wanting to see them. What for? Only purpose would be to give them the finger and give them my thanks for the pain. Apparently, there are people out there that really put these suckers to good use. Some people keep them in jars. Some people make them into jewelry. Yes, I said jewelry. When the doctor mentioned this to me I could not believe it. Why would anyone want to do that? So I googled it and here is what I found --

they come in different colors. the ones pictured above are made from cholesterol. notice the size compared to the quarter. the color looks like Jade so I guess I can see why they would turn this into a necklace...

yes, these are all gallstones. and yes someone out there is wearing this. Not me. Even after researching all of this - I still cannot imagine requesting to see these. I am just glad that they are out.

Well enough on gallstones. I hope that what was given to me can finally cure my cuts and bruises and scars and rashes. And if not, I can always go to the extreme of scraping my belly button out even if it hurts a little bit.

for now, enjoy the silence.

Cin

weekend summary

This was a great weekend for me. I was scheduled to work, but I finished everything on Friday and didn't have to bother coming in. It was perfect. Nothing eventful happened that made the weekend a special one, but it was a great one.
Saturday was spent at home. Jaemy and K found me in my pjs! ha ha ha. They did not seem to mind. Saturdays are meant to stay at home and lounge in the morning and play at night. We went out and had a nice lunch. Each time I see K she changes a bit here and there. I swear Kassandra has changed so much from when she was a baby.




She is starting to look like Boo from Monster's Inc now. he he he. ok just a little bit. I love Boo !!! That movie is one of my favorites.



So, this weekend was spent with two different babies that are at two different states of their lives. Seeing them both (one being a 1 year old, the other barely 9 days old), made me realize how quickly a child changes right before your eyes.

When they are first born, they look so funny. They are like drunk ol' men. Their heads are wobbly because they need help holding them up. They are kind of wrinkly. They have no teeth - all gums. They spit up here and there. They are aways tired and constantly need rest. I envy these little humans. Then they start to take form. Gain balance and strength in their little arms to hold their bodies up so that they can look around. They start to notice things and smile ear to ear without a care in the world. Then the crawling and the walking begins. Teeth start to come out, drooling becomes apparent. They learn the game of monkey-see-monkey-do. I love when they are at this stage. Finally, the rambling begins. Only parents understand this language. Their curiousity level and understanding of their surroundings is at its highest. Time goes by so quickly from newborn to a year old.

Sunday was spent with another baby. I present you the precious Kau'i Makena...


She was born on the 4th of July, right before the fireworks went off. now her momma has her own little firecracker. I remember when K was this size. I never would have imagined that she would turn out to look like she does now. I wonder what Kau'i will look like a year from now. Adorable... I am sure. I know that a week from now she will be a different baby altogether.

Their innocence and lack of ability to care for themselves makes them precious. They are a huge responsibility, but I am sure that the mothers woud not have it any other way. There is no comparing the love a mother has for her child. I have heard from new mothers that they instantly fall in love. Congratulations to these mommies. For the ones that are head of the household. The ones that hold it all together. The ones that stay at home. The ones that are a 9-5 worker, and 24-7 mother. The ones that give there all to their babies and their families. So much self-sacrifice goes to having a child. I admire you all for this.
Having friends like them in my life allows me to see that it is not an easy task. It also allows me to see a love that I want to experience on my own. Do I think I am ready? Definitely up to the challenge. I know I have some things that I need to take care of first, but the time will soon come.
Until then -- I will cherish these little ladies. As well as the other babies in my life... like my nephews =D
I know that once mine are in the picture, I will only have eyes for them. How can you not help falling in love? I can only imagine. And right now, interacting with these littles ones gives me something to look forward to.
What a good weekend to reflect on life and those who are willing to give it.


enjoy the silence

-Cin

tip of the day

do you know how many germs there are out there? did you know that some of these germs are really harmful! there are certain things that you can do to try to avoid getting sick.

Washing your hands is one way - it really can't get any more simple then that!

For more ways on how to stay as germ free as you can be, read here .

enjoy the silence --

Cin

*** this was a suggestion from Jaemy

a mooch will always be a mooch

leeches. I've never had the pleasure or misfortune of crossing paths with one. at least not the kind that is used in medical research and medical practices in certain cultures. but I have come across people that have certain characteristics of a leech. They receive the label of being a mooch or a freeloader due to the way they carry themselves.
we have all needed assistance in our lives at one point or another. I can include myself on this list. Sometimes life throws a curveball your way. And no matter how strong you might be, help is always welcomed. It is comforting to know that you can count on someone else. That you have someone in your life that cares enough to lend you a shoulder to lean on. This is acceptable and part of life. What bothers me are the people that take not only the shoulder, but the arm and the torso attached to it. The shoulder is never enough. And if that person is given the chance to take over - they will. Why? Because they are leeches. They would rather freeload off of someone else than to do things on their own for themselves.

Unfortunately, I have a major freeloader in my life at the moment. And although the sucking and the bleeding is not happening to me directly, it is happening to someone I care a lot about. It is starting to affect my relationship with that person and everyone involved in the situation. There have been arguements carried out because of this leech. Anger has been displayed in the form of disrespectful words towards each other and the leech has not felt an ounce of regret. Tears have been shed and silent nights have been shared while the leech continues to suck away and smile. Will this leech ever stop sucking???
I've asked myself this and many other questions regarding this situation. I tried to come up with answers by picking the situation apart. This is what I do. I pick things apart. I analyze. A leech will suck until it is full. It will continue to suck away until you stop it. Why would this leech want to stop freeloading from someone that allows them to suck away so freely? It's an easy way to go about living. No effort in life. And I am sure this leech is fully concious of what they are doing. And they do not care. This particular leech has no respect for anyone. It shows respect sometimes, but it doesnt have it. Does that make sense? They feel that they are entitled the world to suck on without any worries in life. I ask myself, why would they want to change this part of their life, if it is being handed to them so easily? A person that abuses someone does it because the other person allows it. If they were stronger, they would find a way to put a stop to it. The same applies here.

And this is where the arguements begin. Why would anyone allow themselves to be used? Why not simply say no? Stop. Why do they allow it to continue when its casusing problems with other people that are affected and involved? If the leech sits at home all day and contributes to the household only in the negative aspect, (ie. headaches, problems, etc.), what is the benefit of keeping them around? Is it out of pity? And if it is pity? Is there a limit to how much you try to pity someone? You might have a big heart, you might want to shelter and help. But after so much time passes and there are no changes... doesn't it cross a line? It makes you start to look like someone that doesn't know how to say stop. enough is enough.
I was told today that if the time ever came where I needed help, that hopefully someone would be there for me. And that hopefully no one would reject me and leave me out in the cold.
I would never allow myself to become a leech. This is my life. If help was offered to me while I was in the process of getting back on my feet, I would be appreciative and grateful. But I would do my part by doing something other than sitting on my ass and becoming lazier by the minute. There are so many resources out there that can help me out. And I am not talking about welfare. I would start by trying to find a job. Even if I was miserable for a bit. I would suck it up, at least until I had some sort of stability. I would not take full advantage of the help being offered to me. I would not let it go that far.
For now all I can do is wish something happens where this leech receives a lesson from life that would force them to open their eyes and make a change for themselves. Until then, after the incident today, I will take my own advice. I will savor silence to the fullest whenever it comes to this leech and steer clear. They want me to blind myself to what is going on. I will do so sadly.

for now continue sucking you annoying little mooch.

enjoy the silence--

Cin

welcome back to your office space

first day back to work... remind me again why I was missing this place?

this place is the same story different day. I have become a worker that stays at her present job due to the need of a paycheck, not because of the joy it brings to my life. sad. pathetic, but somebody has to pay my bills. and since I don't have a family full of riches or a sugar daddy - I guess that it will have to be me. I do have a plan on how to improve this part of my life. It is part of my new lifestyle... but like everything else, things take time.
For now, things are not completely unbearable. I was able to get through the day without feeling the need to walk out of the office and call it quits. I admit that sometimes, just like in every other office job (I imagine), you just feel like kicking the shit out of that printer that keeps giving you a hard time. You've gotta love that scene in Office Space. What job out there does not sometimes make you feel like if you are living proof of that movie? Oh well. enough of my J-O-B. It really is not worth me typing about it and thinking about it after I have worked my 9-5 for the day. This is Cin time.

ahhhh. I had so much to say just now. But I think that I am about to throw up. I just heard something that completely topped off coming back to work and dealing with this bullkaka. I definitely do not want to blog about it until I have collected my thoughts. For now... blah.

enjoy the silence --

Cin

weekend summary

so maybe the weekend isn't over, but I've been out of work for a while now and it seems like the longest weekend ever. So here I am at home... actually waiting to feel useful and get some work done. I really do not mind being at home and just relaxing, who doesn't? A vacation is always welcomed. I don't mind being at home relaxing, but not when I can't do much. I almost feel useless because I am limited as to what I can and cannot do. The pain is still a bit much for me, but each day I improve in something. This morning was exciting - I got to sleep on one of my sides instead of on my back all night. To me that is a huge accomplishment. Just a couple of days ago I had to roll outta bed like a rollie pollie.
so let me give you a bit of information on what surgery I had. I had to remove my gall bladder due to some gall stones. Some really painful gallstones. I've had them for about 5 years or more now. But the pain has recently started and become unbearable as my lifestyle has changed.
what is your gallbladder ? wikipedia states: The gallbladder (or cholecyst, sometimes gall bladder) is a small organ whose function in the body is to harbor bile and aid in the digestive process. The gallbladder stores about 50 ml (1.7 US fluid ounces / 1.8 Imperial fluid ounces) of bile, which is released when food containing fat enters the digestive tract, stimulating the secretion of cholecystokinin (CCK). The bile, produced in the liver, emulsifies fats and neutralizes acids in partly digested food. After being stored in the gallbladder the bile becomes more concentrated than when it left the liver, increasing its potency and intensifying its effect on fats.
what causes a gallstone ? wikipedia states: Researchers believe that gallstones may be caused by a combination of factors, including inherited body chemistry, body weight, gallbladder motility (movement), and perhaps diet. Additionally, people witherythropoietic protoporphyria (EPP)are at increased risk to develop gallstones. Cholesterol gallstones develop when bile contains too much cholesterol and not enough bile salts. Besides a high concentration of cholesterol, two other factors seem to be important in causing gallstones. The first is how often and how well the gallbladder contracts; incomplete and infrequent emptying of the gallbladder may cause the bile to become overconcentrated and contribute to gallstone formation. The second factor is the presence of proteins in the liver and bile that either promote or inhibit cholesterol crystallization into gallstones. In addition, increased levels of the hormone estrogen as a result of pregnancy, hormone therapy, or the use of combined (estrogen-containing) forms of hormonal contraception, may increase cholesterol levels in bile and also decrease gallbladder movement, resulting in gallstone formation.
No clear relationship has been proven between diet and gallstone formation. However, low-fibre, high-cholesterol diets, and diets high in starchy foods have been suggested as contributing to gallstone formation. Other nutritional factors that may increase risk of gallstones include rapid weight loss, constipation, eating fewer meals per day, eating less fish, and low intakes of the nutrients folate, magnesium, calcium, and vitamin C. On the other hand, wine and whole grain bread may decrease the risk of gallstones.
what did they have to do to remove these painful suckers? wikipedia states: Laparoscopic cholecystectomy: 3-4 small puncture holes for camera and instruments (available since the 1980s). Typically same-day release or one night hospital stay, followed by a week of home rest and pain medication. Can resume normal diet and light activity a week after release. (Decreased energy level and minor residual pain for a month or two.) Studies have shown that this procedure is as effective as the more invasive open cholecystectomy, provided the stones are accurately located by cholangiogram prior to the procedure so that they can all be removed. The procedure also has the benefit of reducing operative complications such as bowel perforation and vascular injury.
and what does this all mean now??? no more sleepless nights. no more painful days. I now have to watch what I am eating because greasy food can cause cramps or diarrhea. That should not be a problem especially since I have made some changes to my lifestyle. Healthier is better. This does not mean no more pain, time to eat the cheeseburger and the chilli cheese fries. I want to avoid any kind of cramping or discomfort.
Thanks for the people that came to visit me and wished me well. Now I am off to a great Sunday and a healthier week to come.

for now ... enjoy the silence --

Cin

to be a friend.. or not to be

Friendships are like relationships. you have to care for them and nourish them and take time for them just like when being a relationship. It will not grow on its own. It needs a little TLC just like everything else. Just like in relationships, friends come in different levels. Some people are friendly acquaintances. You might work with this group or go to school with them. They are fun to hang out with, go have a drink, watch a movie, share a joke. Some are friends because of routine. These are the folks you say hi to on the bus. Or the ones that you say hello to when you are walking out of your building. They're not really friends. You might not even know their names, but there is contact. And then there are the ones that help your life run smoothly. The ones that you can call on a monthly basis and talk as if though there was never a void. The ones you actually miss. Those are the true friends.
Unfortunately, some people do not understand the concept of a friendship. For the sake of me being an analytical person, I am going to share two different people in regards to this:
My first "friend" was actually really close with me. We used to talk a lot. We used to hang out a lot. We did the typical "BFF" stuff. Until work came in the way and it opened my eyes to her true nature. I knew she was competitive and I knew she wanted more out of her life. This is a good characteristic to have. But she went beyond being a competitive person. She became ruthless. She stopped communicating and trusting . In my opinion those are the two main things that help a relationship/friendship grow. Once both are gone, why bother? Why did she switch on me? What went so wrong that she treated me like an enemy? She was a weak person with a strong mask. She knew how to play the part really well. She wanted to pretend that she was this great an independent strong woman, when she was a sad little girl that needed her father. The lack of a father role in her life caused a lot of pain and destruction for her. She needed someone in her life and unfortunately, she became an empty little girl. She lost sight of our friendship because of all of the stuff going on in her life and now we have gone different ways. I can really say so many negative things about her. But for the sake of being a human being and not stooping to her level... I will end this story with - I hope we never have to cross paths again. Funny how close we used to be. Now, I don't even want to share the same air with her.
My second "friend" is/ was not as close. We have talked a good amount, but I cannot tell you that we are really and truly close. I still have some of my guard up. This friend, is younger then I am. And I can really tell the difference between us in her decision-making and her outlook in life. Her age does not really bother me. I can deal with her being younger. But, I have learned that she has a lot of personal problems that she blames on everyone but herself. She seems to like to play the pity game. Who will pity her so that she will feel better with her life which has become really involved with lies. Her lies are big ones, small ones, pointless ones. This says a lot about her. And I cannot stand the lies. They have started to overlap with our friendship and it is slowly turning me off and away from her. I try to give my all to the friendship, but this one seems one-sided. And it seems as if though it is a game to a little girl. I have grown out of time for games. I'd rather disconnect myself from these people. This story has a simple ending; I have not given up on this person as of yet. I will confront them and give them a chance. But if I get let down... I will push away completely. It is pointless to have a liar as a friend.
So why have I shared these stories? Well these stories and these people are a part of me in one way or another. They have caused some kind of impact in my life and I am now able to step away from bad friends much quicker. The first friend prepared me in one way for the second one. I share their stories because I know that there are plenty of broken friendships out there. Mine are just added to the list. I share them because it helps me feel better. I know it will not erase what has happened, but I can go on. so having said all of that.... I have work to do.

enjoy the silence people
-Cin

tomorrow I will have three additional holes put on my body.