this year has been hectic for me.
as I am sure that it has been for many people.
Whenever I get stuck in a rut, I try to look at things in a positive manner so that I can pick myself back up and move forward. So here is a list of good stuff that has happened to me so far:
I am getting married. enough said.
I have reinforced some of my friendships/relationships and it feels great.
some have fallen apart - and I feel great about that as well.
my family is my family, but when things go down - my family sticks together.
this getting healthy for the future is a great idea.
my first step to a long time goal has been taken.
I am growing up.
I know that the sky can be gray and cloudy sometimes, but I also know that the sun will eventually find a way to shine through.
I have to have faith.
I get scared sometimes of what the future holds for me. But I know that I cannot allow the fear to control me. I have to fight back, be strong, and know that things have a purpose in life like I do. I have to remember all of the positive things/ moments/ people and use their strength as motivation.
so right now, this is where I am. trying to get energy from my friends and family so that I can remain positive and push forward- not only for myself, but for my family, for the future and for Mr. Tortilla Face.
grandma: I wish you could hear all of the prayers said in your name. I love you.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
one more drink please... of water that is!
I have decided to give up drinking.
no, I am not an alcoholic. I do not have a drink on a daily basis or even on a weekly basis. but, I am a social drinker and I do enjoy having a drink on the weekend to help me relax or to loosen up a bit. So I have decided to give up this part of social Cin.
Me giving up my drinking is not because of moral obligations.
I do not think a person can automatically be labeled as a bad person, condemned to hell, because they choose to have a shot of Patron (with lemon and salt on the side please).
BUT
I do think that drinking can be a bad thing when the person does not have self-control and abuses it. People that drink and then act like if they belong in the cave-man times are so not cool.
I do not fit in this category. I am sure that I can, but I know how to hold my liquor for the most part.
The reason that I am choosing to steer away from the alcohol, (even though I know that this will be hard) is for my health. I have a goal to reach regarding my health. With this goal, I have chosen to make sacrifices now, so that I can enjoy later.
I have already given up soda, which was not as hard as I thought it would be. Although I admit that when I do sip on PEPSI, it's like speed running down my throat. (oh sweet PEPSI how I miss you).
Chocolate was the next victim on my list. That one, I admit was hard. I still stare at it with dreamy eyes as others enjoy it in front of me. cruel world.
And now I have moved on to alcohol.
oh margaritas, how I will miss sipping on you while out to dinner with the ladies and cracking jokes about life and anyone close enough to be a target. how I will miss the threesomes that we have had with Mr. Tortilla Face. And please, never let go of the memories of me puking and crying and puking and cleaning and crying because my mascara was running (I swear that this only happens in Vegas). but for now, I have to put you to the side and let go for a while.
so why will this be so hard you ask? mostly because I am exaggerating and want to seem as if though I have no self-control. the truth is that it's the environment that I have been in lately that makes me think that this might be hard. I have been in a lot of social settings where drinking is around me and being served left and right. And although it is easy to say "water please." it is also easy to say "oooh. a PatronRita!"
I do not want to lock myself up in my room simply because I know that alcohol will be at the next social function. Instead, I want to take the challenge and truly test myself. Will I give in to that voice in my head that says "oh one small drink won't hurt." or will I be strong and say "water please."
I do not promise anything. This is a test that I am willing to take on. I might have the same results as the soda and chocolate and pass without a problem. Or I might just fail this coming Saturday! Whichever way, it will be interesting to see... stay tuned for updates.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
no, I am not an alcoholic. I do not have a drink on a daily basis or even on a weekly basis. but, I am a social drinker and I do enjoy having a drink on the weekend to help me relax or to loosen up a bit. So I have decided to give up this part of social Cin.
Me giving up my drinking is not because of moral obligations.
I do not think a person can automatically be labeled as a bad person, condemned to hell, because they choose to have a shot of Patron (with lemon and salt on the side please).
BUT
I do think that drinking can be a bad thing when the person does not have self-control and abuses it. People that drink and then act like if they belong in the cave-man times are so not cool.
I do not fit in this category. I am sure that I can, but I know how to hold my liquor for the most part.
The reason that I am choosing to steer away from the alcohol, (even though I know that this will be hard) is for my health. I have a goal to reach regarding my health. With this goal, I have chosen to make sacrifices now, so that I can enjoy later.
I have already given up soda, which was not as hard as I thought it would be. Although I admit that when I do sip on PEPSI, it's like speed running down my throat. (oh sweet PEPSI how I miss you).
Chocolate was the next victim on my list. That one, I admit was hard. I still stare at it with dreamy eyes as others enjoy it in front of me. cruel world.
And now I have moved on to alcohol.
oh margaritas, how I will miss sipping on you while out to dinner with the ladies and cracking jokes about life and anyone close enough to be a target. how I will miss the threesomes that we have had with Mr. Tortilla Face. And please, never let go of the memories of me puking and crying and puking and cleaning and crying because my mascara was running (I swear that this only happens in Vegas). but for now, I have to put you to the side and let go for a while.
so why will this be so hard you ask? mostly because I am exaggerating and want to seem as if though I have no self-control. the truth is that it's the environment that I have been in lately that makes me think that this might be hard. I have been in a lot of social settings where drinking is around me and being served left and right. And although it is easy to say "water please." it is also easy to say "oooh. a PatronRita!"
I do not want to lock myself up in my room simply because I know that alcohol will be at the next social function. Instead, I want to take the challenge and truly test myself. Will I give in to that voice in my head that says "oh one small drink won't hurt." or will I be strong and say "water please."
I do not promise anything. This is a test that I am willing to take on. I might have the same results as the soda and chocolate and pass without a problem. Or I might just fail this coming Saturday! Whichever way, it will be interesting to see... stay tuned for updates.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
you're a sad love song that no one listens to
do you remember when we were together?
everyone knew that we were like salt & pepper.
different, and yet we complimented each other so well.
you would hear me out on days when I needed a friend
and I would lend a shoulder even though you acted like if you did not need it.
somewhere along the line we got caught up in different lives
and realized that we were not the couple that we thought we were.
in reality, we were like salt and sugar.
the combination works for some people, but not for us.
and we ended it then and there, a mutual agreement.
after so many years, you have returned.
and although I have forgotten you
and you are no longer part of my life in any way, shape or form...
you want things to be like they were.
you want us to be what we were.
but I don't.
I am saddened by your desperation,
and sometimes your words fool me into thinking that you have changed,
but your persistence and your obsessive mode
has pushed me further away from the idea
of keeping in touch and being friends.
I have someone else.
I am happy.
I don't want you in my life.
What other way can I explain this to you besides
"leave me alone."
"I am so over you."
"let me go."
none of those seem to get through to you.
my patience is being tested.
you being the tester.
so far I am passing with my sanity still in tact.
and I thank God that what I have now in my life is good
it is positive
you on the other hand- you are proving to be a sad love song
one I used to play and sing along to.
and now I can't even remember the name or the lyrics.
I thank you for the memories,
but that is all you are to me - a memory.
one that is becoming sour because of you.
I think it's time now.
I wish nothing but a happy life for you.
I just wish you would understand that I do not want to be part of your life.
move on.
be happy.
love life.
and please, savor the silence, because that is all that you will be getting from me.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
everyone knew that we were like salt & pepper.
different, and yet we complimented each other so well.
you would hear me out on days when I needed a friend
and I would lend a shoulder even though you acted like if you did not need it.
somewhere along the line we got caught up in different lives
and realized that we were not the couple that we thought we were.
in reality, we were like salt and sugar.
the combination works for some people, but not for us.
and we ended it then and there, a mutual agreement.
after so many years, you have returned.
and although I have forgotten you
and you are no longer part of my life in any way, shape or form...
you want things to be like they were.
you want us to be what we were.
but I don't.
I am saddened by your desperation,
and sometimes your words fool me into thinking that you have changed,
but your persistence and your obsessive mode
has pushed me further away from the idea
of keeping in touch and being friends.
I have someone else.
I am happy.
I don't want you in my life.
What other way can I explain this to you besides
"leave me alone."
"I am so over you."
"let me go."
none of those seem to get through to you.
my patience is being tested.
you being the tester.
so far I am passing with my sanity still in tact.
and I thank God that what I have now in my life is good
it is positive
you on the other hand- you are proving to be a sad love song
one I used to play and sing along to.
and now I can't even remember the name or the lyrics.
I thank you for the memories,
but that is all you are to me - a memory.
one that is becoming sour because of you.
I think it's time now.
I wish nothing but a happy life for you.
I just wish you would understand that I do not want to be part of your life.
move on.
be happy.
love life.
and please, savor the silence, because that is all that you will be getting from me.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
Monday, April 20, 2009
fbg$
This weekend was great.
But I am tired.
I always forget how big my nephews are until I see them and start talking to them. They are my babies, but they are no longer babies.
My Buddha is so full of life (and ice cream) and although he is a little bad ass, he is a real sweet boy at heart.
PichoPacho on the other hand is just a geek in the making. He likes to learn, conversate, and loves to tell jokes.
Seeing them this weekend made me realize that when I have my kids, my nephews will be older. I wonder if the gap between their ages will allow them to still get along…
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Something happened this weekend that I would have preferred avoiding. My sisters spoke about some issues that they had never discussed before. I knew it was going to eventually happen and I really tried to avoid having to be involved. I was able to avoid being part of the conversation, but the conversation took place with or without me present. My sisters have different views in some aspects of our lives. All three of us do. But theirs are on opposite ends and this difference in opinion has caused a bit of tension. I am proud that my younger sister is handling it like she is. She does not agree with my older sister, but she is actually handling like an adult. My older sister is simply stating what she feels, which is something that is usually hard for her to do. And I am just in the middle - listening and trying to be supportive to both sides (even though I have an opinion of my own that is different from both of theirs).
Although there is no hair pulling and curse words being thrown around – I know that there is tension. I just don’t want it to end on a bad note. And I definitely do not want to be put on the spot where I would have to choose.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
So a pastor is taking his puppy (Pete) for his daily run. Pete happens to be a boxer mixed with pit bull and when you look at him you think HOLY CRAP LET’S GO THE OTHER WAY (and not holy because it’s the pastor’s dog, but holy because he looks intimidating for a puppy). any who – so he is running with his massive puppy, Pete, when a small dog runs up to them and starts barking and barking. (it's always the small ones that start shit) Pete looks at the small dog and tries to get away. The small dog keeps chasing Pete and starts snapping at his legs trying to bite him. Pete keeps lifting his legs trying his hardest to dodge the small dog and its bite. The pastor then starts to freak out. What is he going to do? What if this small dog keeps trying to bite Pete and Pete gets tired of it and bites it? There is no way that the small dog would stand a chance of surviving. So the pastor decides to do the only thing he can think of doing to help Pete, his sanity, and the life of the small dog--and he kicks the small dog across the street. The deed is done. The small dog stays on his side of the street. The pastor continues on his daily run with Pete and although the small dog that doesn’t know it yet, his life was saved that day.
But I am tired.
I always forget how big my nephews are until I see them and start talking to them. They are my babies, but they are no longer babies.
My Buddha is so full of life (and ice cream) and although he is a little bad ass, he is a real sweet boy at heart.
PichoPacho on the other hand is just a geek in the making. He likes to learn, conversate, and loves to tell jokes.
Seeing them this weekend made me realize that when I have my kids, my nephews will be older. I wonder if the gap between their ages will allow them to still get along…
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Something happened this weekend that I would have preferred avoiding. My sisters spoke about some issues that they had never discussed before. I knew it was going to eventually happen and I really tried to avoid having to be involved. I was able to avoid being part of the conversation, but the conversation took place with or without me present. My sisters have different views in some aspects of our lives. All three of us do. But theirs are on opposite ends and this difference in opinion has caused a bit of tension. I am proud that my younger sister is handling it like she is. She does not agree with my older sister, but she is actually handling like an adult. My older sister is simply stating what she feels, which is something that is usually hard for her to do. And I am just in the middle - listening and trying to be supportive to both sides (even though I have an opinion of my own that is different from both of theirs).
Although there is no hair pulling and curse words being thrown around – I know that there is tension. I just don’t want it to end on a bad note. And I definitely do not want to be put on the spot where I would have to choose.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
So a pastor is taking his puppy (Pete) for his daily run. Pete happens to be a boxer mixed with pit bull and when you look at him you think HOLY CRAP LET’S GO THE OTHER WAY (and not holy because it’s the pastor’s dog, but holy because he looks intimidating for a puppy). any who – so he is running with his massive puppy, Pete, when a small dog runs up to them and starts barking and barking. (it's always the small ones that start shit) Pete looks at the small dog and tries to get away. The small dog keeps chasing Pete and starts snapping at his legs trying to bite him. Pete keeps lifting his legs trying his hardest to dodge the small dog and its bite. The pastor then starts to freak out. What is he going to do? What if this small dog keeps trying to bite Pete and Pete gets tired of it and bites it? There is no way that the small dog would stand a chance of surviving. So the pastor decides to do the only thing he can think of doing to help Pete, his sanity, and the life of the small dog--and he kicks the small dog across the street. The deed is done. The small dog stays on his side of the street. The pastor continues on his daily run with Pete and although the small dog that doesn’t know it yet, his life was saved that day.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
reflection in random train of thought
did you know that people suck? yea... they still do.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
today is the day of a significant change in my life. I am excited. I am proud. I am scared. I am confident. I am glad that I have Mr. Tortilla Face to share this with. I wouldn't want it any other way.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
my blog has been a bit negative recently. sorry mostly because there have been a lot of changes in my life recently. the biggest one is my opinion on some of my friends/acquaintances/family. the change has caused me to reorganize my priority list. It also allowed me to learn that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. my relationship with Mr. Tortilla Face is stronger than I even imagined. so although I have been a bit down because of the recent changes, I am happy that my life is moving in a direction that I have wanted in a long time. And although it might be sad that not everyone I love and care for is coming along for the ride - I can live with that.
they say you are your ten closest friends - why keep someone around that is only dragging me down? or being negative?
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
I am thankful for friends though. Devina and I finally got through a huge hurdle - she got her MOH dress!!!!! which means that I can now do a lot of stuff. not that I am doing any of it, but I can do them now!!!!! Her dress is bootyful (and I'm not saying that because of her) I just really like it. its simple. its a great color. and it will make my vision come true.
She has actually been a great help in getting me out of this hole that I have been in. Friday night we shopped and dined. I was in the worst of moods on Friday and she made it all better. Even though she didn't let me buy these blue flats that were so purty.
And then Saturday, after hanging out with the soon to be mom-in-law, we went to Beverly Hills. shopped. had a great lunch. talked. compared penises. and shared our lunch. actually I made her take mine, but whatevs. same difference.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
and now the only thing I need that would make things go smoothly is seeing my nephews. I will be travelling up north (to go see them of course) and then ... only then ... will things really be turning around for me.
so until then - I am waiting patiently.
I am sitting happy that Bonds wishes me happiness.
I am leaving on Friday.
And I might do a little dance. For ol' times.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
today is the day of a significant change in my life. I am excited. I am proud. I am scared. I am confident. I am glad that I have Mr. Tortilla Face to share this with. I wouldn't want it any other way.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
my blog has been a bit negative recently. sorry mostly because there have been a lot of changes in my life recently. the biggest one is my opinion on some of my friends/acquaintances/family. the change has caused me to reorganize my priority list. It also allowed me to learn that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. my relationship with Mr. Tortilla Face is stronger than I even imagined. so although I have been a bit down because of the recent changes, I am happy that my life is moving in a direction that I have wanted in a long time. And although it might be sad that not everyone I love and care for is coming along for the ride - I can live with that.
they say you are your ten closest friends - why keep someone around that is only dragging me down? or being negative?
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
I am thankful for friends though. Devina and I finally got through a huge hurdle - she got her MOH dress!!!!! which means that I can now do a lot of stuff. not that I am doing any of it, but I can do them now!!!!! Her dress is bootyful (and I'm not saying that because of her) I just really like it. its simple. its a great color. and it will make my vision come true.
She has actually been a great help in getting me out of this hole that I have been in. Friday night we shopped and dined. I was in the worst of moods on Friday and she made it all better. Even though she didn't let me buy these blue flats that were so purty.
And then Saturday, after hanging out with the soon to be mom-in-law, we went to Beverly Hills. shopped. had a great lunch. talked. compared penises. and shared our lunch. actually I made her take mine, but whatevs. same difference.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
and now the only thing I need that would make things go smoothly is seeing my nephews. I will be travelling up north (to go see them of course) and then ... only then ... will things really be turning around for me.
so until then - I am waiting patiently.
I am sitting happy that Bonds wishes me happiness.
I am leaving on Friday.
And I might do a little dance. For ol' times.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
Friday, April 10, 2009
i have to pee
last night I had a great conversation with someone and it went a little like this:
Catholic: ok Cin, see you Monday!
self: Monday? you won't be here tomorrow?
Catholic: naw man! I don't work on Good Friday.
self: oh alright then. see you Monday!
Catholic: can you believe that they made me use my vacation time for my day off request???? (a look of pure disbelief all over his face)
self: yea. what's wrong with that? (I am sure that my face had a big question mark on it)
Catholic: it's Good Friday!!! that's a holiday!
self: it's not a holiday in the U S of A my friend... and it's definitely not a holiday in this company.
Catholic: that is stupid. I shouldn't have to waste my vacation time for Good Friday... its a holiday!!!
self: why not? Good Friday is not a national holiday.
Catholic: why not? Easter is.
self: Good Friday is part of your religion. The church and government are considered separate entities. They do not celebrate religious holidays as a nation because we have the freedom to choose a religion in the US.
Catholic: well that is stupid.
self: why is it stupid? because we have rights? if we celebrate the Catholic holidays as a nation then we would have to acknowledge the holidays and customs of the Jewish community, Presbyterians, Baptist, 7DA and so on. This is why the constitution keeps this as two separate entities. That way our rights as US citizens are not violated when it comes to choosing your religion.
Catholic: well that is dumb.
self: why?
Catholic: because my right is being violated as a Catholic to celebrate my custom.
self: no it's not. the company acknowledged your request and gave you tomorrow off. they're just not paying you for it out of their own pocket. and by law, they are in the right. plus, you're not even a citizen.
Catholic: what about Easter? everyone celebrates Easter!
self: I don't.
Catholic: you've never gone egg hunting?
self: yes I have.
Catholic: well then...
self: well then what? what does Easter and egg hunting have to do with each other for a Catholic?do Catholics pray to the Easter Bunny on Sunday? egg hunting is more of a corporate holiday. It does not tie in with your religion.
Catholic: no, but people associate the two together.
self: yes, but its not for religious purposes. plus, egg hunting is not considered a national holiday.
Catholic: (the look is now an upset one) whatever. see you Monday.
self: bye.
---
I was not trying to argue with this person. really, I wasn't. but some people just ... look better when their mouths are quiet.
most people think that I am not religious because of situations like these. the truth is that I am religious. I'm just not Catholic. And I know that there are many Catholics out there, especially in California. But it is not the only religion. People should really educate themselves before assuming or jumping to conclusions especially if they are going to argue about it. They really do look like asses when they act like if I am the daughter of Satan for eating chicken on Good Friday and because I don't see the connection between the Easter Bunny and the resurrection of Christ.
for those that are celebrating Easter - have a good one. =)
see... I am not the spawn of the devil.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
Catholic: ok Cin, see you Monday!
self: Monday? you won't be here tomorrow?
Catholic: naw man! I don't work on Good Friday.
self: oh alright then. see you Monday!
Catholic: can you believe that they made me use my vacation time for my day off request???? (a look of pure disbelief all over his face)
self: yea. what's wrong with that? (I am sure that my face had a big question mark on it)
Catholic: it's Good Friday!!! that's a holiday!
self: it's not a holiday in the U S of A my friend... and it's definitely not a holiday in this company.
Catholic: that is stupid. I shouldn't have to waste my vacation time for Good Friday... its a holiday!!!
self: why not? Good Friday is not a national holiday.
Catholic: why not? Easter is.
self: Good Friday is part of your religion. The church and government are considered separate entities. They do not celebrate religious holidays as a nation because we have the freedom to choose a religion in the US.
Catholic: well that is stupid.
self: why is it stupid? because we have rights? if we celebrate the Catholic holidays as a nation then we would have to acknowledge the holidays and customs of the Jewish community, Presbyterians, Baptist, 7DA and so on. This is why the constitution keeps this as two separate entities. That way our rights as US citizens are not violated when it comes to choosing your religion.
Catholic: well that is dumb.
self: why?
Catholic: because my right is being violated as a Catholic to celebrate my custom.
self: no it's not. the company acknowledged your request and gave you tomorrow off. they're just not paying you for it out of their own pocket. and by law, they are in the right. plus, you're not even a citizen.
Catholic: what about Easter? everyone celebrates Easter!
self: I don't.
Catholic: you've never gone egg hunting?
self: yes I have.
Catholic: well then...
self: well then what? what does Easter and egg hunting have to do with each other for a Catholic?do Catholics pray to the Easter Bunny on Sunday? egg hunting is more of a corporate holiday. It does not tie in with your religion.
Catholic: no, but people associate the two together.
self: yes, but its not for religious purposes. plus, egg hunting is not considered a national holiday.
Catholic: (the look is now an upset one) whatever. see you Monday.
self: bye.
---
I was not trying to argue with this person. really, I wasn't. but some people just ... look better when their mouths are quiet.
most people think that I am not religious because of situations like these. the truth is that I am religious. I'm just not Catholic. And I know that there are many Catholics out there, especially in California. But it is not the only religion. People should really educate themselves before assuming or jumping to conclusions especially if they are going to argue about it. They really do look like asses when they act like if I am the daughter of Satan for eating chicken on Good Friday and because I don't see the connection between the Easter Bunny and the resurrection of Christ.
for those that are celebrating Easter - have a good one. =)
see... I am not the spawn of the devil.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
Thursday, April 9, 2009
bridezilla or loner
I realized last night that I have a lot of stuff to do for the wedding and I have no idea why I haven't done any of it (especially the small stuff). I already know what I want. I pretty much have shopped around and know where to go for what I need, yet I've managed to do nothing about it. I am so used to being a procrastinator and leaving shit until the last minute (I am one of those shoppers running around the mall on Christmas eve), but my gut instinct tells me that I shouldn't procrastinate for this occasion.
In my defense, I know that my procrastination is not the only one to blame - at least not this time.
a lot of it has to do with the lack of motivation. I am very motivated for August to show up and be over with. I am very motivated to get in my dress and prance around like a princess for a day. I am very motivated to start my life as Mrs. Tortilla-Face.
I just don't have any motivation to get anything done because as soon as I start to work on a project: I usually get excited. I show "x" friend or family member or tortilla face. And for the most part, "x" person is not as excited as I am. I know that it's my vision so they may not see things like I do. And I don't expect them to have the same level of excitement as I do. But man... this is my wedding. its a celebration bitches. fake it. anywho - the lack of excitement or interest from certain people just deflates my own motivation.
People have told me "who cares if no one is excited... it's your day!" That is slightly true. Although it might be "my day", I would love it if I could share it with those that matter to me. When those people would rather talk about the economy or the weather, it bums me out. What good is "my day" going to be if the people that matter only want to know when, where, and what's being served?
maybe I am over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion. I admit that drama is sometimes welcomed in my life. And I am not stupid - I know that just because I am getting married, it does not mean that everyone should stop their lives and tend to me 24.7. I just want those that I care for to be there with me.
Whatevs. I'll get over it. Like I always do. For now let me enjoy my moment even if it's one that makes me sad.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
In my defense, I know that my procrastination is not the only one to blame - at least not this time.
a lot of it has to do with the lack of motivation. I am very motivated for August to show up and be over with. I am very motivated to get in my dress and prance around like a princess for a day. I am very motivated to start my life as Mrs. Tortilla-Face.
I just don't have any motivation to get anything done because as soon as I start to work on a project: I usually get excited. I show "x" friend or family member or tortilla face. And for the most part, "x" person is not as excited as I am. I know that it's my vision so they may not see things like I do. And I don't expect them to have the same level of excitement as I do. But man... this is my wedding. its a celebration bitches. fake it. anywho - the lack of excitement or interest from certain people just deflates my own motivation.
People have told me "who cares if no one is excited... it's your day!" That is slightly true. Although it might be "my day", I would love it if I could share it with those that matter to me. When those people would rather talk about the economy or the weather, it bums me out. What good is "my day" going to be if the people that matter only want to know when, where, and what's being served?
maybe I am over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion. I admit that drama is sometimes welcomed in my life. And I am not stupid - I know that just because I am getting married, it does not mean that everyone should stop their lives and tend to me 24.7. I just want those that I care for to be there with me.
Whatevs. I'll get over it. Like I always do. For now let me enjoy my moment even if it's one that makes me sad.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
dear kitty: you suck so much it left me speechless
Dear YOU SUCK,
You do not always suck. Key words being “not always.” You definitely have your moments. And you’ve had one recently. Actually, you've had many of these moments recently and they have been accumulating. And what happens when things accumulate and accumulate and never get better??? People end up in the YOU SUCK group. I just wanted you to know that you are currently a member of this group.
So since you suck, and this is my blog, let me just tell you why you suck!
I am not here for you and you only. I have a life. I have people that care about me. There have been many occasions where I put it all to the side for you. This is actually not the issue. I know that this happens because I allow it and I only allow it because you are an important part of my life. Yet it seems that the feeling might not be mutual.
You show up at your convenience. When you have something going on in your life- you want me to be there for you regardless of what is going on with me. But when I search for you and you do not need anything from me, you are only polite and brush me off. I appreciate you being polite, but come on... I am not here for your convenience only.
I am not trying to make this into a “this is all about me” sad and pathetic letter because its not. I know we have our own lives to lead and sometimes we have things we need to take care of that require our time. But that is not a reason to act the way you do. It is supposed to be give and take. But lately, it seems it’s just me giving. And to be honest with you, it’s making me question you and your motives.
What it boils down to is: if you only want me around because you know I will always be there and not because you really care, then just go fuck yourself. I am not here to be used. I do not want to waste my time with people like you. I really can and would rather not have you around to turn my days into bad ones.
Don’t worry. I will never have this conversation with you. Shit, I won’t even give you the cold shoulder to let you know that I am upset. Not because I fear you or because I am chicken shit, but because I am older now. I understand that people like you exist and I have enough self-respect to know that its better to just walk away. I might choose to stick to the SAVOR SILENCE group, but my opinions towards you are loud and clear and they have definitely changed. I will react to your requests much more differently. You will move down my list of people that matter.
One day, you are going to need somebody and realize that you are all alone. That is when it will hit you smack in the face that it was your fault that we went from peanut butter & jelly to peanut butter and mayo.
For now, I will let this go and move along. I would rather focus my time and energy on people that do matter, like Mr. Tortilla Face <3
enjoy the silence
-Cin
You do not always suck. Key words being “not always.” You definitely have your moments. And you’ve had one recently. Actually, you've had many of these moments recently and they have been accumulating. And what happens when things accumulate and accumulate and never get better??? People end up in the YOU SUCK group. I just wanted you to know that you are currently a member of this group.
So since you suck, and this is my blog, let me just tell you why you suck!
I am not here for you and you only. I have a life. I have people that care about me. There have been many occasions where I put it all to the side for you. This is actually not the issue. I know that this happens because I allow it and I only allow it because you are an important part of my life. Yet it seems that the feeling might not be mutual.
You show up at your convenience. When you have something going on in your life- you want me to be there for you regardless of what is going on with me. But when I search for you and you do not need anything from me, you are only polite and brush me off. I appreciate you being polite, but come on... I am not here for your convenience only.
I am not trying to make this into a “this is all about me” sad and pathetic letter because its not. I know we have our own lives to lead and sometimes we have things we need to take care of that require our time. But that is not a reason to act the way you do. It is supposed to be give and take. But lately, it seems it’s just me giving. And to be honest with you, it’s making me question you and your motives.
What it boils down to is: if you only want me around because you know I will always be there and not because you really care, then just go fuck yourself. I am not here to be used. I do not want to waste my time with people like you. I really can and would rather not have you around to turn my days into bad ones.
Don’t worry. I will never have this conversation with you. Shit, I won’t even give you the cold shoulder to let you know that I am upset. Not because I fear you or because I am chicken shit, but because I am older now. I understand that people like you exist and I have enough self-respect to know that its better to just walk away. I might choose to stick to the SAVOR SILENCE group, but my opinions towards you are loud and clear and they have definitely changed. I will react to your requests much more differently. You will move down my list of people that matter.
One day, you are going to need somebody and realize that you are all alone. That is when it will hit you smack in the face that it was your fault that we went from peanut butter & jelly to peanut butter and mayo.
For now, I will let this go and move along. I would rather focus my time and energy on people that do matter, like Mr. Tortilla Face <3
enjoy the silence
-Cin
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