pillow talk

I've been listening to "indie" music recently. I wonder if that is why I've been moody lately- one of those...why am I so bothered? who rained on my parade? why do I need to have answers to that? I hate questioning shit that should just be.

A good aspect of my moodiness is that I have been able to think about things. more than I like sometimes, but my mind has been on overdrive. All this thinking has led me to feeling as if I need to do more. To get out there - where ever there is. I want to read more. I want to feel the sun on my skin and hear the ocean in my heart. I want to go to Disney and feel like a kid again. I want to write more. I want to take more pictures. I want to dance more. I want to listen to more music. I want to experience more.

At the end of the day we are nothing more or less than the sum of our own experiences. The world only exists to those who have seen it. You can't describe a feeling without having it touch your fingertips, run through your veins, change your heart beat, or raise the hair on the back of your neck.

I love those moments. Seeing something new. Feeling something new. Those moments that give you goosebumps. Those moments that you're so conscious about what you're doing...you just know its going to change the course of your life forever.

I struggle on a daily with wanting to stop time to enjoy it. Or to speed it up to embrace the change. Time has its own agenda. It waits for no one and does not look back. I've been allowing it to pass me by way too long. It is my turn to live.

Enjoy the silence -

Cin

Do I wanna know...

I have so much on my mind, but I think it's best I take it step by step before pouring it all out at once. I recently had a conversation with someone about more than I thought was possible to talk to them about. I'm not really sure why I had figured them out the way I did. 

One part of our conversation was about how they saw people. When the conversation went in my direction - the way they saw me left me a little troubled. They told me that they felt that I put up a lot of walls to hide my insecurities. This person didn't ask why nor was it said in a way where I felt I was in the wrong for having these walls up. It was just a statement. 

 

That statement has rattled my brain ever since it was made- not because I was bothered, but because they were right. Everyone has insecurities. I'm not the first person ever to come with them. But how did they know that I try so hard to hide them from everyone? I thought I covered it all up really well by being so loud and upfront. I thought that if I distracted people with my loudness they would miss the girl inside crying for ...something. I thought that only those close to me - and trust me, their aren't many - know this about me. I was wrong. 

My insecurities are kept in a place where only I can scrutinize myself for having them. A sign of weakness shows a way in for someone that maybe I don't want in. If I cover up that weakness then I'm the one with the control. I control what emotion to show. I control what emotion to share with them. Do I think it's right? No. I don't at all. I know that I am restricting myself to fully be myself in all sense. But it's what I've known all my life. And the fact that this person can see this in the short amount of time of knowing me scares me. Am I that transparent? Are these walls all in my head only? I cannot allow someone to control my fear and in the end - me.

Another wall up. 

Another reason to hide. 

Enjoy the silence.

 

-Cin