get a room... preferably away from mine

it was three in the morning when I woke up for the first time this morning.

no, I did not set my alarm off for that time.

no, I did not wake up because I had to pee.

and no, Mr. Tortilla Face was not stealing the blankets and leaving me to fend off the cold on my own.

there was a different culprit this time.

apparently, waking up at three in the morning to have sex is the thing to do nowadays. NO. let me rephrase myself - waking up at three in the morning to have sex and get loud so that all of the neighbors can hear you, is the thing to do nowadays.

don't get me wrong now, I am not one to cock block. If you have the place and the five minutes to spare, by all means "get yours." Just as long as "getting yours" does not involve interrupting the time spent between me and my sleep. Waking up at three in the morning to hear my upstairs neighbors' bed banging on our ceiling and them moaning and moaning and MOANING and MOANING... is a waste of my sleeping time.

Once my sleeping time was wasted by the surround sound filled porn going on above my bed, that put me in the best of moods when I had to wake up three hours later to get ready for work. (sarcasm. major sarcasm)

on my way to work I thought of what had taken place and how my ears were never going to be the same. Instead of getting upset with the neighbors (I mean I can't deny them from having sex), I turned my frustration towards our condo's architect.

Why in the hell would he think it was a great idea to build a bedroom directly above another one? Your bedroom is your space. You rest there. You wind down. You have sex with your partner, or with yourself. (no one is here to judge you) Why would that architect think it was a bright idea to share that space with your neighbors???

I bet you it was an older, conservative kinda guy that was so traditional that he never slept with his wife of 50 years. Instead they had their own twin size beds, a la "I Love Lucy" mode. Only putting their beds together when they needed to create another life.

Yeah, okay... maybe I am just being a bit dramatic. That is what happens when you don't get your sleep. Maybe I should just stop complaining and get into competitive mode. Show them a trick or two about beds banging and moaning.

Who am I kidding? I will be completely knocked out by three in the morning. And the only moan that will be coming out of my mouth is when I am competing with Mr. Tortilla Face for the blanket.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

are you a Dexter fan?

so I've been watching Dexter lately. I knew it was going to happen. It was inevitable. But I prolonged my obsession for it simply because I did not want to buy the DVDs or pay for Showtime.

The truth is that I was obsessed before even seeing a single episode. Why you might ask? Well it is simple really. He's a serial killer. And there is a whole show about him being a serial killer and living among you and me. How could that not spark a bit of your interest?


Now before you think that I am this crazy person that wants your blood, let me explain to you my interest.


When I was younger I lived in South Central LA. It definitely did not have the rep it has now, but it wasn't a walk in the park either. Occasionally we would hear rumors that some bum had taken residency in the closest abandoned apartment. And at the time we did not understand why all sorts of people constantly came in and out of one apartment. Can one person really have that many friends? I now know that is what you call a crack house.

Anywho - there was a point to all of this - one night while I slept on the roll out bed that I shared with my older sister (her on one end, me on another), someone tried to break into our apartment. Our apartments were one-story with no bars on the windows, so they were easy access to anyone and everyone. My sister and I slept in the living room because my mom, step dad and newborn sister slept in the room. It was summer time and since I was blessed with asthma I slept with my head to the window.
Of course, this would be the point of entry for our intruder. So there I was sleeping. And there he was cutting a hole on the screen of that window big enough for him to crawl in. He didn't know that he was in for a surprise. I didn't either.
He put his hands on each side of my head and started crawling in. This is when I decided to wake up and stare right into his face. Now keep in mind, I am only 7 years old so of course I did what any other 7 year old would do - scream bloody murder. The guy panicked, grabbed the pocket knife he had in his hand and backed out. My step dad ran out of the room in his boxers with a machete and rushed toward the door. He had caught a glimpse of what was going on.
My mom comes running after him with my little sister, Banani in her arms.
I was curled up next to my older sister on the other side of the bed waiting.
After about 5 minutes my step dad came back and told us the guy had disappeared. This is when the interrogation began - no, not from the police. My family did not bother calling them. The questions came pouring in from my mom and sister and the neighbors my screaming had woken up... what did he look like? I described a Hispanic male. Thin. I could see his cheekbones. Dark, kind of long, wavy hair. Dark eyes. His nose stuck out and his breath smelled bad. My step dad said that he was fairly tall, but had only seen his back.
After that, our bed was moved into their room and the screen was replaced - no bars added.

One day after school, I came home to the news being played on the television. They had caught the Night Stalker - Richard Ramirez. As they reported his capture, they started to show his booking picture and I realized that was him. He was the one that had crawled into our apartment and had stared me down. I told no one.

Keep in mind that I was only 7 years old at the time. So there is a huge possibility that my mind associated him as my intruder because of what I heard about him and what he had done. There is also a possibility that it was him. I did live in the area that he roamed. Whichever way, I did not fear him. Instead it made me wonder why he would do the things that he was doing. This is where my interest came about. My interest started with him at that age, and it expanded to others after a while. I was curious to find out who these people were. Not what they had done, but who they were before that time.

This also started a routine in my life that I follow on a nightly basis - all doors must be closed. My closets, bathroom, and bedroom doors have to be closed or else I will not sleep. Mr. Tortilla Face thinks I am weird because of this. What he doesn't know is that my older sister has this same routine.

This is why Dexter was so interesting to me. I wanted to see how they would portray a serial killer to society through a show. And let me tell you - awesome show. Season 3 is kind of dragging, but it is a good show nevertheless. Mr. Tortilla Face now watches the show with me and thinks that because they are both white that he can be like Dexter too. Silly Tortilla Face. He can't even kill the crickets that sneak into our living room.

Oh but don't worry. I was not left with a complex. I am not on the verge of murdering Mr. Tortilla Face. Even though he constantly tells me that I will end up on Snapped. What he doesn't know is that I love the little effer too much, plus I can't stand the sight of blood. I'm a wimp when they are drawing my blood.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

hello it's me again

So I have decided to re-evaluate this blog.

I know that I have been lazy and have not been updating you all about my fabulous life. But I have been reading the blogs that I follow. One of my favorite readings - Clever Girl Goes Blog - just recently did a sort of meet-and-greet on her blog. She asked her followers to leave a comment about themselves and to leave a link to their blogs. This is when I realized to myself… self, Tia might actually read your blog. So I freaked. And next thing you know, she goes to my blog and reads it and leaves me a comment. She has all those followers, and the fact that she took her time to comment on my blog made me smile. And then the freaking out came back.

What is my blog really about?

What is its sole purpose?

What is she going to think?????

Originally I just wanted to write and write until all of the creative juices running in me had been squeezed out. Then I realized that I liked those juices and got lazy. So my blogging slowed down. Then I decided to get married and that took a lot of my time because I planned the whole thing. So that meant that I only had time to wake up, work, eat, pee, plan, go home, sleep, shower, and start all over. Now I am playing the wifey role so I’m really consumed with someone other than myself. As Salma Hayek would say in one of my favorite movies “EXCUSES EXCUSES!”

The truth is, I miss my blog. As lame as it might be. And those juices of mine are not content. They want out here and there. I have been bottling them up and let me tell you, the mix is not a good one. So this is when the decision to come back and be part of the blogger world came about. With that came wanting to re-evaluate the blog.

Why Savor Silence? Why was that name even chosen as the title for my blog? Should I keep it? I think I mumbled about it in my first ever post. But let me just give a briefing. It is a play of words on one my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands. Enjoy the Silence – Depeche Mode. Get it savor=enjoy / silence=silence? I didn’t want trademark issues, so I changed the words on it. Now why would I tell you to enjoy the silence when coming to a blog that is full of words that are dying to be read out loud? The way I interpret the lyrics are that sometimes words are not necessary. They can ruin moments, memories. Sometimes it is best to just enjoy what is right in front of you – silence – and embrace it.
So why involve this into my blog? I am one of many words. I talk as much as I type. I have been told that I am a chatterbox on more than one occasion and by more than one person. So why tell you to savor silence? It is simple really – when I read, I involve myself into what I read. Everything else becomes blurred. Even if music is blaring or if the television is on – it is me, what I am reading and the silence that surrounds us. I take my reading seriously. I might laugh out loud or even shed a tear, but the silence remains. And I like it. It is my time. That is what I am hoping people feel when they read my blog. Silence, them and my never-ending words, drama, vents, rants. And hopefully they enjoy it enough that they decide to come back. So the name is sticking. Even if my reason behind it sucks - the song is awesome!

And now what to write about… should there be a recurring theme? Should I continue my constant rants and nonsense?

This one is actually kind of hard. Although it would be great to have 425.3 followers, it would be even better to have a place where I can get those juices flowing and out of my system. Even if they only make sense to me and only me.

There are many sides to me. Sometimes I am on the jokester side. Sometimes serious. Sometimes I lack patience. Sometimes I talk a lot of shit. Sometimes I am sweet. you get the point... So when I express myself I do it depending on what I am saying, feeling, and whom is on the receiving end. I did not want to limit myself and force myself to act like just one part of who Cin is on my own blog. So I have decided not to. I am going to be me. I will write about what is on my mind – maybe less bitching. MAYBE. I will try to step back and look at things through other’s eyes. Although, this is not a promise, I mean my eyes are pretty, why mess that up? Most importantly, I am going to be more consistent. Blog often.

Let’s see how this second round goes. For those that enjoy it. Thanks. And please come back again.

hopefully Tia will be one of those ;p

Enjoy the silence
-Cin

to be a cin or not to be

I think I am having a Cin moment. Not really sure what that means, but I am having it.

Although things are good now with being married and all – I am unhappy. It’s not really any one thing that is happening. And it isn’t something someone is doing. It’s just me I guess. Something in me is not content and so it is throwing everything off. And I want to make it better, but I have no idea what it is so nothing is changing.
I suck sometimes.


In other news, I now get to play HGTV and organize the condo how I want it. Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy. I have ideas in my head. Now I just need to see them play out. I think that I will tackle our bedroom first. No wait – the living room. Yes, the living room will be the first thing to be adjusted. Or maybe I will do a combination and tackle them both. My point is that I am itching to get going on it. We will wait and see how it all turns out. Maybe I will post pictures.


People still continue to ask me if things are “different” now that I am married with Mr. Tortilla Face. And even though I tell them "no" with a smile on my face they continue to try to scare me. “ooh, just wait a bit longer and you are going to see how it is to live with him.” “right now you are still at the newlywed stage. Just wait until you realize that he takes smelly shits.” “it is too soon to have an argument with him, but wait until you do. You are going to be glad that you have two bedrooms.”
Honestly people… let it go. Ok so I have never lived with him. And obviously we have to make adjustments. I do not doubt that things will be different, but honestly the transition and the adjustments have taken place and have been painless so far. Nothing has really changed.
His smelly shits – I have never sat in the bathroom with him while he is taking a shit (nor do I ever plan on doing this), but I am sure that if his shit is as smelly as his farts… then I’ve been there and done that.
After the amount of time that we have been together and spent together, we have had our fair share of arguments already. Mr. Tortilla Face has done some stupid stuff in the past (once I threw a tuna sandwich at him because he was acting so awesome), but we worked things out that same day after we cleaned him off of course. So I am more than confident in knowing that if we were to have an argument right now we would treat it just like every other one and talk things out. I do not believe in walking out and away from the situation. I do not plan on changing this now just because there is an extra room. Problems are to be fixed instead of being left up in the air to see if they will solve themselves. Communication is key in all types of relationships. So come on arguments, come join us for a day. I promise to keep the tuna in the can.


enjoy the silence
-Cin

and then there were 2

today is the start of a new era. my ears will no longer bleed.


on to something else... this is my 100th POST.
how exciting right? well to me it is.

so in honor of it being my 100th post, let me just brief over what makes Cin smile:
mr. Toritlla Face
good friends
Disneyland
Edward Cullen
my family for the most part
my nephews with a cherry on top
mr. Tortilla Face (comes in again)
Robert Pattinson (he he he)

and this is what has made up my posts for the most part.
well besides the ones where I just ranted about random bullkaka.
and then the ones where I was moody (or angry) and I thought I was going to strangle someone.

so here is to 100 more. I do not promise to change my style of blog. and I also do not think that I am going to be the next BIG thing. But I do want to say thanks for those that came along. thanks.
and for those that started reading and then thought what the hell is this girl's problem???. well good riddance and good night!!!!!

enjoy the silence
-Cin

today I signed my life away

although I should make the time to blog here about certain things that are going on, I don't happen to have the time at this moment - SO just a quick rant:

do you agree that your personality can be affected by your astrological sign? I am not sure what my conclusion is... but

I am a Capricorn... according to all of the books, and the wesbsites that I've read - I am true to what they say that I should be like. Yet, I have come across others like Mr. Tortilla Face that are complete opposites of what they are supposed to be like. "Aries - spontaneous, active... Tortilla face - I don't think that he can even spell spontaneous."

BUT my rant comes from people telling me that YES, your astrological sign CAN INDEED AFFECT YOUR PERSONALITY.
I know two people - for the purpose of this blog, one will be ass, the other will be hole. put them together and they become an asshole - that blame their personality on their astrological sign. These two happen to have the same astrological sign, and when put together... they become so annoying that there is no escaping it. They obviously do not see this and in turn think that they are wonderful, righteous, and that the world revolves around them. Pretty much, they love each other and portray it by Ass always telling Hole how wonderful they are. And vice versa. Nauseating.
Now normally, this really doesn't matter. A person will be who they are regardless of how much I bitch and cry about it. But these two talk about their greatness so much and how their greatness comes from their astrological sign, that I started to question it. I went online and searched their signs and yes, there were some similarities. Then I compared them to other people that are of the same sign and I saw the difference. It turns out to be that not everyone of that sign is an ass or a hole.
Those two just want to blame their ugly attitude on their sign and end up giving it a bad rep. I almost fell victim to their lies and was going to start hating their sign. Good thing I took the time to do research and figure out their lies. They are assholes because they are assholes. And although it is who they are, it is not because they are a Taurus, or a Libra, or a Leo.

so there it is folks. If you have been branded by websites and books as being a spontaneous and adventurous person that loves the outdoors... don't worry. You do not have to live up to those standards. You can sit at home and watch TV and no one will know that you are defying your astrological sign. So Mr. Tortilla Face...take out the control and enjoy being you. As for Ass and Hole... I am now on to your evil tricks!!!

enjoy the silence
-Cin

LOOK. I'm on HGTV

wow.

so Mr. Tortilla Face has finally realized that a lot of shit is about to go down. (not like in the alley, with knives and bats, just a lot of stuff that we normally do not have on our calendars) I have been telling him over and over again that we are going to get busy very soon, but he never pays attention. and this weekend he said to me

Tortilla: I think I am going to need a calendar.

Me: why is that?

Tortilla: man, I have so much shit lined up, that I need to make sure that I don't agree to do something with someone when I already have stuff going on with others.

Me: hahahah I told you.

Tortilla: I know, but I thought you were just trying to scare me.

so the truth is that we have a lot of stuff lined up. I have June and July only and then all of the planning and all of the headaches will come to an end. Right now, I have to make sure that I get my calendar organized. And then I have to make sure that I follow that calendar. And then I have to make sure that I stay sane in the process.

one thing is for sure, this whole process has allowed me to see a bit more of what kind of person I am. I have learned to be a bit more patient with others. I have learned that I bend over for others sometimes...when I shouldn't bend too much. I have learned that I am stronger and am able to handle a good amount of things on my own. I have learned that I am organized. I have learned that my relationship with Mr. Tortilla Face is awesome. I have also learned to take a step back and have told myself that this is my wedding. The excitement within me is not the same as what is within everyone else. And that is ok. So I do not hold this against anyone. (except for Mr. Tortilla Face... he better be ECSTATIC!!!!!) I just want my closest to be there with me =)

the one thing that is bothering me is the people that are flaking on me. I do not like flakers.
People have known for months when activities will take place, and yet they have made other commitments. People have told me that they want to be included and when I ask if they want to come along to whatever new adventure I have lined up, they already have other stuff planned. so instead of getting upset and getting wrinkles (like a friend of mine said), I simply move on. the organized part inside of me has sent out emails to keep everyone up to date with what is going on. I ask personally if anyone wants to join me. If someone commits or volunteers, then I stand by their word and expect them to be there. I know that sometimes things come up that force you to change your plans, and that is ok. But unless they tell me that the plans have changed, I figure that they will be there. if they flake, then I just move on and go on my adventure by myself. I cannot get mad every time. I cannot pout. I want to enjoy this as much as I can. So I cannot focus too much energy on the flakers. And I don't want to be labeled as a "bridezilla" so I don't make a fuss. BUT I do remember. I do remember who did stick by their word. And that makes a difference in how I view people in my life.

so to those that are flaking on me now please get a calendar. Google offers a great one. Please be like Mr. Tortilla Face and get organized. June and July will probably be busy months for me. And to those that made the commitment to be there ... hint hint: these are the months that you want to make an appearance. I will be ever so grateful. Even if all you are doing is standing around and making me laugh.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

pro8, prop h8, prop l8, prop w8 <-- how clever I am.

before anyone goes around yelling at me, please know that this is not meant to defend prop 8 nor is it meant to protest against it.
As a matter of fact, I am not even going to tell you what side of the line I am on. I simply want to share an observation, so if you are close-minded STOP READING NOW!!!

---
There is the group that is against it. ...PSAs have been made. Flags have been waved. Rallies have taken place.

And then you have the ones that are for it. ... Actually I am not sure what they have been doing, but I am sure that they are out there as well trying to get their point across.

---anywho... back to my point. there is one I promise.

One thing I have heard from the ones rallying against it is "equality for ALL of us"
just today, Ellen DeGeneres said on her twitter "Gov. Arnold S. said he voted against prop 8 and knows that one day it will be overturned. Thanks for being a governor to ALL Californians." yes, I did just quote a twitter.

so here is where my observation starts. my questioniong, my need to rant...

if you reject prop 8, are you really being equal to ALL?

Right now, the ones against prop 8 feel that their rights are being violated and that they are not being treated equally as Californians and as US Citizens. Their "lifestyle" (as it's called) is not being recognized by the government.
Now if you were to reverse the proposition, would the ones that are for prop 8 feel that their rights are being violated and that they are not being treated equally because the government is imposing them to accept this "lifestyle"?
And going even further to what Ellen and others have said...(although to me Arnold is a joke and I really don't care if he goes back to being the Terminator), do the Californians that back up prop 8 now feel that he is not their governor because he made that comment? does that in turn make Ellen's comment a false one because he is not being the governor of ALL Californians?

my observation:
the government is backed up against a wall, or getting really close to it. who does it side with?

the people have spoken and prop 8 was passed. And although there was a group out there that spoke against it, its voice was not heard because the majority drowned them out. whether this proposition stays as it is, or the minority turns into the majority and eventually overturns it... there will always be a group of Californians and US Citizens that will feel as if though they are not being treated equally. The government will never be able to be the government for ALL of us. History proves that time and time again, rallies have taken place. Rights have been fought for by a group of people that feel that they are being treated unfairly. It is our right to speak out.

to me, the real question is: is California... and the U.S. ...really ready to accept this "lifestyle" as part of society and recognize it as an equal?
The votes show that the last time California was asked... the majority said no.
But hey...there is no need to lose hope. Don't forget how far we have come. In case you've been living under a rock this year, I have one word for you: Obama.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

you learn a lot about others when they learn to shut up

so I was in Vegas this weekend with my MOH. good times. I did not expect to make it an "OHMYGOD-WHATHAPPENSINVEGASSTAYSINVEGAS-GIRLSONLY" kinda trip. It was just about the wedding. So we relaxed a lot. Gambled a little. Drank a little (oopsie, but I swear it was a little, not even worth mentioning) I had fun. And I accomplished plenty.

having said that - holy crap, time goes by FAST. please month of June go a little slower, I still have some things I need to do. Don't let July come by so quickly.

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in other news - Mr. Tortilla Face was left with a list of three things that he needed to accomplish while I was away - he accomplished none of them. that is why I love him.
BUT he did take me to Yoshinoya when I came back because he knew that I was hungry and I love that place. score one for him.

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I think I will make an alias and make a new blog. One where I can say as I please. Because this one, although I rant and all - there are limitations. I hate limitations. who knows. I am too lazy to think about it right now. let alone come up with one.

*** *** *** *** *** ***
I have a lot on my mind right now and want to say so much, but like always I wouldn't even know where to start. So I won't. Let's just leave it at the fact that I am questioning a lot of stuff.

*** *** *** *** *** ***
I dreamt that I was having a baby the other day. So real. So nice. It was a little boy. that is all there is to that. no need to elaborate.
I am now... off to enjoy the holiday.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

stars when you shine...you know how I feel.

someone asked me today - if you had a lot of money and did not need to get a paycheck, would you still work?

my first reaction is hands down HELL NO!!!!!! I have been working ever since I can remember. Why not live off of that money for a bit? It would be so awesome being able to lay out under the sun and enjoy it. Or taking my dog out for a walk and then stop for some Pinkberry. Because you have to have Pinkberry if you're walking your dog. They have water bowls outside of their shops. Who can resist that? And then there's naps. Who doesn't enjoy naps???

and then the ADD kid inside of me says... hey get off your ass!!! I would go insane just being at home and doing NOTHING. I would probably go out and get a job just to keep myself occupied. It really is hard for me to sit at home for a week. It drives me insane. This girl was not raised to be a stay at home spirit.

but who am I kidding... staying at home. in my pajamas. sigh
why not?
maybe I could get a part time job doing something that I would have fun doing - like at a pet shop. Or in a book store. Just so that I can release some energy and so that I could feel as if though I contributed to society. and by part time... I mean 2 hours.. of course.

ah to wish.
ok back to reality - 9 to 5. mon-fri. semi-corporate America. paycheck to paycheck.

what would you do?

enjoy the silence
-Cin

marichui is my hero

I am mad.

I am happy.

I am sad.

I am excited.

all in a time span of two days.

you might think to yourself "self, Cin is bi-polar."

well guess what self... I'm not. true story. it's just my life.


let me explain.


I am mad at the fact that I have had a headache for about two days now. No, I am not on my period. Yes, I am blaming it on life. I will explain in the "I am sad" section.

I am happy because every time that I do something that is wedding related - like reserve rooms, or buy my name card stuff, or glitter (kidding, there will be no glitter), or sashes for my ladies - it brings a smile to my face. so much stuff has been happening lately, that it has not allowed me to really enjoy the fact that my wedding is slowly, but surely creeping up on me. This once more is life's fault. It throws plenty at you sometimes and keeps you occupied. You tend to forget to smell the roses, or to say "thank you" or "I love you." so recently I have allowed myself those guilty pleasures and have enjoyed those small wedding moments.

and then comes the I am sad part. Life always creeps back into your life to remind you that it is in control and always does it when you think you have things under control. This is where I was at. My grandma has improved tremendously from her surgery. She is almost back to her normal shit-talking self. This week she started chemotherapy. We knew that the tumor had reached her liver, but we were unsure as to how close it really was...until yesterday. Apparently, it has attached itself to her liver and there really isn't much that can be done for her. The doctor has given her 18 months to live. The chemo that is being given to her is only so that the cancer will not reach her pancreas and therefore giving her more time to live. Of course everyone reacts to chemo differently and there have been plenty of people that have lasted longer than the 18 months that they were given. For now, we play the waiting game. The chemo will be given to her as long as her body can take it. If it becomes too much for her, then the chemo sessions will not continue. There is no way she wants to live if she will be suffering. This is where I get mad. Mad at life. Mad that it would do this to her. Mad that I cannot do a thing about it. And then the sadness hits me. I cannot dwell on it, but the thought is there- what if she cannot be there the day I get married?

For now she is here. And she took the first session like a true champ. This is why I am excited. There is hope. There really is. And with that I can share with her the latest step in my life. Soon it will be complete, and when it is I will show her with pride and joy. And I know that she will be there for many more times of joy.

so you see, I am not bi-polar. I am just living life the only way I know how. With a smile on my face. With tears in my eyes. With a fist in the air. And with a knot of butterflies in my stomach.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

and then there were three

So I have these crazy reminders that keep telling me “send out your invitations!” “you should be sending out your invites by now!” and all I can think of is AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I don’t have my invites as of yet. I ordered them, per say. But the girl that so graciously offered to get them to me for free – has not produced them as of yet. Not even one. I did finalize and gave the thumbs up to the ones I want, but the invites are still MIA.

I can either freak out about this and scream bloody murder at her.
Or
I can just ask? And act shy because I am asking.

I secretly choose the first option, but will probably end up doing the second.

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On to other things – I am going to Disney today after work with a friend of mine. It should be fun because I know that we will spend the majority of the time laughing.
Because of the special occasion (there really isn’t any other than us wanting to hang out), I decided to straighten out my mane this morning. Little did I know, my mane had somehow sabotaged this great idea of mine. I walk over to my dresser and what do I find … a dead flat iron?!?!?! My flat iron seems to have given up on life and on me because although it is working – it isn’t really heating up, which means that something that would have taken me 20-30 minutes to straighten out, took me 45 minutes. And it’s not as straight as it normally leaves it. So now I have to go to my local beauty supply, Tia Juanita, and get hooked up with a new and improved bad ass flat iron. To top it all off, I get to walk around Disney with a mane that was partially tamed and that is laughing at me because it was slightly victorious. point 1 for you.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

did you know that they are trying to sell some historical landmarks here in California due to the budget crisis????? man I know that times are tough. and I know that there is an economic crisis going around - along with the swine flu. but I never thought it would get to this. This is serious. At least it is to me. First of all, I have heard that California is a wealthy state. One that is able to hold it's own if it really wanted to. And yet we have come to this.
The LA Memorial Coliseum is one of the landmarks that is up for grabs and it has a potential buyer already - USC! Some organization has stated that it's not for sell. It does not belong to the state therefore the state cannot sell it, even if Arnold gives the green light.
I say sell it. I mean, if the Trojans are going to use it for the same purpose that they have been using it for all of this time (owning other football teams that step in their domain) and they will be helping the state out by paying for it - why not??? I am sure that they will make improvements and fix that speaker system that BLOWS. Maybe they can put an elevator in certain sections because sometimes its just hard to go up those stairs.
So I might like the idea of USC owning the Coliseum (that might have to do with me being a fan FIGHT ON!!!), but there is also the possibility that some of our landmarks might be sold off to corporations that if they wanted to, they could rename, redo, or destroy them.
Arnold... your act as a governor is as bad as your act as a kindergarten cop.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

these have nothing and everything to do with each other

So I’m back to the Cin-that-doesn’t-drink.
I admit that I slipped for a weekend or two, but it really wasn’t my fault. I am going to let Mr. Tortilla Face take all of the blame on this one.
Anywho – so it’s back to no drinks for Cin.
YAY.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

You know how sometimes you really hate your job. I mean you really hate your job. I have those days too. Not today though. Today I am a walking zombie and am not able to register hatred as of yet, but the day's not over so there is still hope.

Anywho, moving along – so sometimes you hate your job so much that you start raging about it. And sometimes you think to yourself or out loud “Man I wish I could just be at home right now.” Or “I just need a month off to REALLY relax!!!” Come on admit it, we have said that at some point in our working lives.

What about those people that chose not to work for whatever reason? Do you think that they ever sit at home, or on the park bench that they call home and say “Man, I hate not working! I wish I had a real job instead of begging for money/ mooching off my parents” or “I wish I could just work for ONE year so that I can get away from this life of mine in which I am doing nothing but taking naps when I please!”
what? I'm sure it happens...

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

My friend mentioned to me this morning that over the weekend they saw an old friend of theirs out on the street.
I asked “did you stop to say hello?”
my friend said, “no. I couldn't ever imagine seeing my friend how he looked this morning and it just freaked me out.”
So I asked, “what was wrong with your friend?”
“he was drunk – couldn't even hold himself up. He looked like if he lived in the streets and that wasn't even the neighborhood that he lives in.”
I got caught in a silent moment and said “that’s sad.”
Then my friend said something that made me wonder
“about two years ago he got into heavy drinking and all of his family tried to get him to stop. They always had disputes within the family because of his drinking and each time he just went back to it and got worse. Now look at him, out on the street. I never thought he would let himself go.”
“if he was an alcoholic that never wanted help, what made you think that he would not end up this way?”
He stayed quiet. “well I kinda knew it would happen. But I just hoped that he would eventually listen to his family.”
My response. “at least he is still sorta alive.”
What did I wonder about you might ask? : Why was this such a shocker? You can't help those that do not want your help. Even if deep down inside you only want what is best for them. If that person doesn’t want it, then it doesn’t matter what you want. So what happens next? Do you give up on them? Or do you keep pushing for them to change, hoping that one day they will give up and change?

enjoy the silence

-Cin

mr nice guy? or mr great guy?

I had a big ol' blog typed up about a whole lotta nothing and I deleted it because I am tight like that. so now this post will be full of a whole lotta crap with some exciting crap added to it.

so today I was reminiscing about some people from my past. not because I miss them or want them back in my life, but because I had a good time with them when they were there. I really do try to take the good times/memories with me so that I can smile about them later.

I used to have this ex-boyfriend in high school that was a really nice guy. really good looking. very shy. beautiful eyes. nice mouth. but he lacked leadership skills. I think this, plus his raging hormones is what turned me off about him.
Still the good times is what I remember - like how he used to let me talk and talk and talk. (although I think a lot of this had to do with him being shy) And when we hung out at school, he was a gentleman and would hold my books. he used to brag to others that I was his girlfriend like if I was a big deal (well I am, but he didn't need to tell the world). He really did make me feel like if I was a nice girl. All of it used to make me smile.
And then we broke up.
I can't remember why. what can I say it was high school But I do remember that we saw each other like 2 years later and I thought to myself - what if we got back together again?

I don't regret the break-up or the fact that I never pursued the question above. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Maybe that nice guy just wasn't meant for me. Obviously he isn't because I have Mr. Tortilla Face and I can't see myself with anyone else.
I do wonder though what kind of person I would be now if I would have stayed with him. that is if we would have lasted after high school I wonder if I would have kids now. I wonder if I would have eventually gotten ... quieter.

ok I am done with the wondering. He was a nice guy and I appreciate the memories given, but when it comes down to it - he was just a stepping stone. Things happened between him and I for a reason. And I might not know what that reason is, but I do know that somehow it led me to Mr. Tortilla Face. Let's face it, he might not be the sweetest guy out there. And I definitely would not classify him as a nice guy. but he is a great guy. And only he knows how to battle me to death and make me smile all in one hour. How could I ask for more?
although a fuller set of lips wouldn't be too much to ask for right? kidding. he knows I love kissing him.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i broke the no drinking policy for my mom

ok so I know that I keep saying this, but things have been hectic for me lately.
seriously they have.
with my grandma in the hospital (she is much better, thanks to all that had her in mind. the battle isn't over yet, but we have passed phase 1) anywho, with her being sick and with family functions to deal with and with work and also with the wedding and other stuff that is going on - I have not had one weekend where I get to sit at home and lay in bed and watch TV. just typing that was a mouthful.
I need one of those relaxing weekends quickly. I am running on... actually I don't know where the energy is coming from, but its there and I'm running on it.

since that weekend still hasn't come, let me share what went down this past weekend:
Saturday comes around and I got my mom drunk. You see, the whole family has been under a lot of stress with my grandma in the hospital and all. So now that she is staying at my mom's a lot of the stress has been lifted and my mom was finally able to sigh a breath of relief. Naturally, I did what every good daughter does when their mom needs to blow off some steam - I got her wasted. Well it wasn't me really, Mr. Tortilla Face had a lot to do with it. The point is - she enjoyed herself. This is not something that I normally do, but she had mentioned to me over and over again that she needed to get out of the house. So we picked her up, went to a G's game and rocked the hell out of the HDC. And our team won! Sure she puked a little here and there and she did run in the street trying to escape from us and she also argued with the hot dog man. But it was all clean fun and she didn't even remember half of it the next day.

Then Sunday rolled around and once more instead of staying home and relaxing, I ran out with my good friend Devina and Mr. Tortilla Face and explored this great Japanese restaurant. What's so great about this you ask???? Well, I love seafood. But seafood doesn't love me, specifically fish. Fish gives me a fever and a rash. So whenever someone said, "let's go for sushi!" I would decline and hide under a desk. until this weekend. This weekend I told myself that I have to get my body used to fish again and tried some sushi ... it is now Tuesday and still no sign of a fever or of a rash. yay!!!!!! of course this does not mean that I am back on the fish fan club. I have to take it slow and experiment with different fish to see if the allergy has gone away or if it's just certain fish. but it's a great start.

ok so maybe this might not be as exciting to other people, but to me both of these things mean something. My mom getting wasted was a sign of the whole family being less tense about my grandma's situation. She was the one holding us together, and with her taking a breather it allowed all of us to do the same. And with the fish, well it's not a sigh of relief or anything along those lines, but it was a happy moment for me because I hate limitations. This will allow me to go to different parts of the city that I have avoided in the past and not feel left out when everyone is raging about how great the food is.

and now to another busy weekend. actually, I only have one thing lined up. Sounds kinda boring... so I will have to find something to fill it with. =)

enjoy the silence
-Cin

update: no drinks for Cin

this year has been hectic for me.

as I am sure that it has been for many people.

Whenever I get stuck in a rut, I try to look at things in a positive manner so that I can pick myself back up and move forward. So here is a list of good stuff that has happened to me so far:

I am getting married. enough said.
I have reinforced some of my friendships/relationships and it feels great.
some have fallen apart - and I feel great about that as well.
my family is my family, but when things go down - my family sticks together.
this getting healthy for the future is a great idea.
my first step to a long time goal has been taken.
I am growing up.

I know that the sky can be gray and cloudy sometimes, but I also know that the sun will eventually find a way to shine through.

I have to have faith.
I get scared sometimes of what the future holds for me. But I know that I cannot allow the fear to control me. I have to fight back, be strong, and know that things have a purpose in life like I do. I have to remember all of the positive things/ moments/ people and use their strength as motivation.

so right now, this is where I am. trying to get energy from my friends and family so that I can remain positive and push forward- not only for myself, but for my family, for the future and for Mr. Tortilla Face.

grandma: I wish you could hear all of the prayers said in your name. I love you.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

one more drink please... of water that is!

I have decided to give up drinking.

no, I am not an alcoholic. I do not have a drink on a daily basis or even on a weekly basis. but, I am a social drinker and I do enjoy having a drink on the weekend to help me relax or to loosen up a bit. So I have decided to give up this part of social Cin.

Me giving up my drinking is not because of moral obligations.
I do not think a person can automatically be labeled as a bad person, condemned to hell, because they choose to have a shot of Patron (with lemon and salt on the side please).
BUT
I do think that drinking can be a bad thing when the person does not have self-control and abuses it. People that drink and then act like if they belong in the cave-man times are so not cool.
I do not fit in this category. I am sure that I can, but I know how to hold my liquor for the most part.

The reason that I am choosing to steer away from the alcohol, (even though I know that this will be hard) is for my health. I have a goal to reach regarding my health. With this goal, I have chosen to make sacrifices now, so that I can enjoy later.
I have already given up soda, which was not as hard as I thought it would be. Although I admit that when I do sip on PEPSI, it's like speed running down my throat. (oh sweet PEPSI how I miss you).
Chocolate was the next victim on my list. That one, I admit was hard. I still stare at it with dreamy eyes as others enjoy it in front of me. cruel world.
And now I have moved on to alcohol.
oh margaritas, how I will miss sipping on you while out to dinner with the ladies and cracking jokes about life and anyone close enough to be a target. how I will miss the threesomes that we have had with Mr. Tortilla Face. And please, never let go of the memories of me puking and crying and puking and cleaning and crying because my mascara was running (I swear that this only happens in Vegas). but for now, I have to put you to the side and let go for a while.

so why will this be so hard you ask? mostly because I am exaggerating and want to seem as if though I have no self-control. the truth is that it's the environment that I have been in lately that makes me think that this might be hard. I have been in a lot of social settings where drinking is around me and being served left and right. And although it is easy to say "water please." it is also easy to say "oooh. a PatronRita!"
I do not want to lock myself up in my room simply because I know that alcohol will be at the next social function. Instead, I want to take the challenge and truly test myself. Will I give in to that voice in my head that says "oh one small drink won't hurt." or will I be strong and say "water please."
I do not promise anything. This is a test that I am willing to take on. I might have the same results as the soda and chocolate and pass without a problem. Or I might just fail this coming Saturday! Whichever way, it will be interesting to see... stay tuned for updates.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

you're a sad love song that no one listens to

do you remember when we were together?
everyone knew that we were like salt & pepper.
different, and yet we complimented each other so well.
you would hear me out on days when I needed a friend
and I would lend a shoulder even though you acted like if you did not need it.

somewhere along the line we got caught up in different lives
and realized that we were not the couple that we thought we were.
in reality, we were like salt and sugar.
the combination works for some people, but not for us.
and we ended it then and there, a mutual agreement.

after so many years, you have returned.
and although I have forgotten you
and you are no longer part of my life in any way, shape or form...
you want things to be like they were.
you want us to be what we were.
but I don't.
I am saddened by your desperation,
and sometimes your words fool me into thinking that you have changed,
but your persistence and your obsessive mode
has pushed me further away from the idea
of keeping in touch and being friends.

I have someone else.
I am happy.
I don't want you in my life.
What other way can I explain this to you besides
"leave me alone."
"I am so over you."
"let me go."
none of those seem to get through to you.

my patience is being tested.
you being the tester.
so far I am passing with my sanity still in tact.
and I thank God that what I have now in my life is good
it is positive

you on the other hand- you are proving to be a sad love song
one I used to play and sing along to.
and now I can't even remember the name or the lyrics.
I thank you for the memories,
but that is all you are to me - a memory.
one that is becoming sour because of you.

I think it's time now.
I wish nothing but a happy life for you.
I just wish you would understand that I do not want to be part of your life.

move on.
be happy.
love life.
and please, savor the silence, because that is all that you will be getting from me.


enjoy the silence
-Cin

fbg$

This weekend was great.

But I am tired.

I always forget how big my nephews are until I see them and start talking to them. They are my babies, but they are no longer babies.
My Buddha is so full of life (and ice cream) and although he is a little bad ass, he is a real sweet boy at heart.
PichoPacho on the other hand is just a geek in the making. He likes to learn, conversate, and loves to tell jokes.
Seeing them this weekend made me realize that when I have my kids, my nephews will be older. I wonder if the gap between their ages will allow them to still get along…

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Something happened this weekend that I would have preferred avoiding. My sisters spoke about some issues that they had never discussed before. I knew it was going to eventually happen and I really tried to avoid having to be involved. I was able to avoid being part of the conversation, but the conversation took place with or without me present. My sisters have different views in some aspects of our lives. All three of us do. But theirs are on opposite ends and this difference in opinion has caused a bit of tension. I am proud that my younger sister is handling it like she is. She does not agree with my older sister, but she is actually handling like an adult. My older sister is simply stating what she feels, which is something that is usually hard for her to do. And I am just in the middle - listening and trying to be supportive to both sides (even though I have an opinion of my own that is different from both of theirs).
Although there is no hair pulling and curse words being thrown around – I know that there is tension. I just don’t want it to end on a bad note. And I definitely do not want to be put on the spot where I would have to choose.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

So a pastor is taking his puppy (Pete) for his daily run. Pete happens to be a boxer mixed with pit bull and when you look at him you think HOLY CRAP LET’S GO THE OTHER WAY (and not holy because it’s the pastor’s dog, but holy because he looks intimidating for a puppy). any who – so he is running with his massive puppy, Pete, when a small dog runs up to them and starts barking and barking. (it's always the small ones that start shit) Pete looks at the small dog and tries to get away. The small dog keeps chasing Pete and starts snapping at his legs trying to bite him. Pete keeps lifting his legs trying his hardest to dodge the small dog and its bite. The pastor then starts to freak out. What is he going to do? What if this small dog keeps trying to bite Pete and Pete gets tired of it and bites it? There is no way that the small dog would stand a chance of surviving. So the pastor decides to do the only thing he can think of doing to help Pete, his sanity, and the life of the small dog--and he kicks the small dog across the street. The deed is done. The small dog stays on his side of the street. The pastor continues on his daily run with Pete and although the small dog that doesn’t know it yet, his life was saved that day.

reflection in random train of thought

did you know that people suck? yea... they still do.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

today is the day of a significant change in my life. I am excited. I am proud. I am scared. I am confident. I am glad that I have Mr. Tortilla Face to share this with. I wouldn't want it any other way.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

my blog has been a bit negative recently. sorry mostly because there have been a lot of changes in my life recently. the biggest one is my opinion on some of my friends/acquaintances/family. the change has caused me to reorganize my priority list. It also allowed me to learn that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. my relationship with Mr. Tortilla Face is stronger than I even imagined. so although I have been a bit down because of the recent changes, I am happy that my life is moving in a direction that I have wanted in a long time. And although it might be sad that not everyone I love and care for is coming along for the ride - I can live with that.
they say you are your ten closest friends - why keep someone around that is only dragging me down? or being negative?

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I am thankful for friends though. Devina and I finally got through a huge hurdle - she got her MOH dress!!!!! which means that I can now do a lot of stuff. not that I am doing any of it, but I can do them now!!!!! Her dress is bootyful (and I'm not saying that because of her) I just really like it. its simple. its a great color. and it will make my vision come true.
She has actually been a great help in getting me out of this hole that I have been in. Friday night we shopped and dined. I was in the worst of moods on Friday and she made it all better. Even though she didn't let me buy these blue flats that were so purty.
And then Saturday, after hanging out with the soon to be mom-in-law, we went to Beverly Hills. shopped. had a great lunch. talked. compared penises. and shared our lunch. actually I made her take mine, but whatevs. same difference.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

and now the only thing I need that would make things go smoothly is seeing my nephews. I will be travelling up north (to go see them of course) and then ... only then ... will things really be turning around for me.

so until then - I am waiting patiently.
I am sitting happy that Bonds wishes me happiness.
I am leaving on Friday.
And I might do a little dance. For ol' times.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i have to pee

last night I had a great conversation with someone and it went a little like this:

Catholic: ok Cin, see you Monday!

self: Monday? you won't be here tomorrow?

Catholic: naw man! I don't work on Good Friday.

self: oh alright then. see you Monday!

Catholic: can you believe that they made me use my vacation time for my day off request???? (a look of pure disbelief all over his face)

self: yea. what's wrong with that? (I am sure that my face had a big question mark on it)

Catholic: it's Good Friday!!! that's a holiday!

self: it's not a holiday in the U S of A my friend... and it's definitely not a holiday in this company.

Catholic: that is stupid. I shouldn't have to waste my vacation time for Good Friday... its a holiday!!!

self: why not? Good Friday is not a national holiday.

Catholic: why not? Easter is.

self: Good Friday is part of your religion. The church and government are considered separate entities. They do not celebrate religious holidays as a nation because we have the freedom to choose a religion in the US.

Catholic: well that is stupid.

self: why is it stupid? because we have rights? if we celebrate the Catholic holidays as a nation then we would have to acknowledge the holidays and customs of the Jewish community, Presbyterians, Baptist, 7DA and so on. This is why the constitution keeps this as two separate entities. That way our rights as US citizens are not violated when it comes to choosing your religion.

Catholic: well that is dumb.

self: why?

Catholic: because my right is being violated as a Catholic to celebrate my custom.

self: no it's not. the company acknowledged your request and gave you tomorrow off. they're just not paying you for it out of their own pocket. and by law, they are in the right. plus, you're not even a citizen.

Catholic: what about Easter? everyone celebrates Easter!

self: I don't.

Catholic: you've never gone egg hunting?

self: yes I have.

Catholic: well then...

self: well then what? what does Easter and egg hunting have to do with each other for a Catholic?do Catholics pray to the Easter Bunny on Sunday? egg hunting is more of a corporate holiday. It does not tie in with your religion.

Catholic: no, but people associate the two together.

self: yes, but its not for religious purposes. plus, egg hunting is not considered a national holiday.

Catholic: (the look is now an upset one) whatever. see you Monday.

self: bye.

---

I was not trying to argue with this person. really, I wasn't. but some people just ... look better when their mouths are quiet.

most people think that I am not religious because of situations like these. the truth is that I am religious. I'm just not Catholic. And I know that there are many Catholics out there, especially in California. But it is not the only religion. People should really educate themselves before assuming or jumping to conclusions especially if they are going to argue about it. They really do look like asses when they act like if I am the daughter of Satan for eating chicken on Good Friday and because I don't see the connection between the Easter Bunny and the resurrection of Christ.
for those that are celebrating Easter - have a good one. =)
see... I am not the spawn of the devil.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

bridezilla or loner

I realized last night that I have a lot of stuff to do for the wedding and I have no idea why I haven't done any of it (especially the small stuff). I already know what I want. I pretty much have shopped around and know where to go for what I need, yet I've managed to do nothing about it. I am so used to being a procrastinator and leaving shit until the last minute (I am one of those shoppers running around the mall on Christmas eve), but my gut instinct tells me that I shouldn't procrastinate for this occasion.

In my defense, I know that my procrastination is not the only one to blame - at least not this time.

a lot of it has to do with the lack of motivation. I am very motivated for August to show up and be over with. I am very motivated to get in my dress and prance around like a princess for a day. I am very motivated to start my life as Mrs. Tortilla-Face.

I just don't have any motivation to get anything done because as soon as I start to work on a project: I usually get excited. I show "x" friend or family member or tortilla face. And for the most part, "x" person is not as excited as I am. I know that it's my vision so they may not see things like I do. And I don't expect them to have the same level of excitement as I do. But man... this is my wedding. its a celebration bitches. fake it. anywho - the lack of excitement or interest from certain people just deflates my own motivation.

People have told me "who cares if no one is excited... it's your day!" That is slightly true. Although it might be "my day", I would love it if I could share it with those that matter to me. When those people would rather talk about the economy or the weather, it bums me out. What good is "my day" going to be if the people that matter only want to know when, where, and what's being served?

maybe I am over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion. I admit that drama is sometimes welcomed in my life. And I am not stupid - I know that just because I am getting married, it does not mean that everyone should stop their lives and tend to me 24.7. I just want those that I care for to be there with me.

Whatevs. I'll get over it. Like I always do. For now let me enjoy my moment even if it's one that makes me sad.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

dear kitty: you suck so much it left me speechless

Dear YOU SUCK,

You do not always suck. Key words being “not always.” You definitely have your moments. And you’ve had one recently. Actually, you've had many of these moments recently and they have been accumulating. And what happens when things accumulate and accumulate and never get better??? People end up in the YOU SUCK group. I just wanted you to know that you are currently a member of this group.

So since you suck, and this is my blog, let me just tell you why you suck!

I am not here for you and you only. I have a life. I have people that care about me. There have been many occasions where I put it all to the side for you. This is actually not the issue. I know that this happens because I allow it and I only allow it because you are an important part of my life. Yet it seems that the feeling might not be mutual.
You show up at your convenience. When you have something going on in your life- you want me to be there for you regardless of what is going on with me. But when I search for you and you do not need anything from me, you are only polite and brush me off. I appreciate you being polite, but come on... I am not here for your convenience only.

I am not trying to make this into a “this is all about me” sad and pathetic letter because its not. I know we have our own lives to lead and sometimes we have things we need to take care of that require our time. But that is not a reason to act the way you do. It is supposed to be give and take. But lately, it seems it’s just me giving. And to be honest with you, it’s making me question you and your motives.

What it boils down to is: if you only want me around because you know I will always be there and not because you really care, then just go fuck yourself. I am not here to be used. I do not want to waste my time with people like you. I really can and would rather not have you around to turn my days into bad ones.

Don’t worry. I will never have this conversation with you. Shit, I won’t even give you the cold shoulder to let you know that I am upset. Not because I fear you or because I am chicken shit, but because I am older now. I understand that people like you exist and I have enough self-respect to know that its better to just walk away. I might choose to stick to the SAVOR SILENCE group, but my opinions towards you are loud and clear and they have definitely changed. I will react to your requests much more differently. You will move down my list of people that matter.
One day, you are going to need somebody and realize that you are all alone. That is when it will hit you smack in the face that it was your fault that we went from peanut butter & jelly to peanut butter and mayo.
For now, I will let this go and move along. I would rather focus my time and energy on people that do matter, like Mr. Tortilla Face <3

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i want to choke the tortilla out of your face.. sometimes

I am happy today. My life is moving forward. I have learned ...

scratch all of that out. I was in the best of moods yesterday until I got home. and the beginning of this blog did not match with the day. so lets try this again.

ah mr. tortilla face, how I want to choke you sometimes. I get it, we have different ways of processing information and I am ok with that. but yesterday his thought process was on such a different wave length that it made me wonder about him. I would say... men... but I am not sure if all men are that way. It might just be him, which would mean that I am the luckiest woman in the world. (major sarcasm on that one)

man I love you, but sometimes I wish you could hear the silly words that come out of your mouth. when will you understand that the world does not revolve around you? I just make you think its that way so that you can leave me alone when I want to do what I want to do.

--- back to something more interesting ---

I got an email yesterday from someone of my past. this person was there when I was in my teens, and we were very close. ever since we fell out, we attempted like three times to regain our friendship and it always fell through. now I wonder why again this person is emailing me? maybe its loneliness? maybe its boredom? maybe its being melancholy? I don't know. but for whatever reason, this person has always made me think... a lot.

--- back to my headache also known as Mr. Tortilla Face ---

so yesterday, my mind was heavy with thoughts brought upon by this person's email. and then I get to deal with Mr. Tortilla Face and his nonsense. sigh Needless to say, bad timing. I know that he means no harm, but sometimes the way he goes about things shows that men were definitely created as the less intelligent being. just don't tell him or other men of that small fact. it might turn them gay just so that they can feel smarter. =p

enjoy the silence
-Cin

the joke's on you

so I have been receiving a bit more traffic on my blog lately, and I thought to myself, self: your blogs have improved. visitors are coming.

sad to say I know that my writing is the same, its my background that has changed and is attracting new people. More specifically, Twilighters.

I admit that when I chose this background I thought of that movie. Or the book. Or a line in the book which in turn was in the movie.

Anywho when my dear Edward Cullen says, "and so the lion fell in love with lamb" in the book and the movie, its pure m&m's melting in my heart. So naturally, when I saw this picture of this innocent girl dragging this lamb, I thought it was appropriate to commemorate that line. Obviously in this situation the roles have switched. She is the lion (aka Edward Cullen, my love). I will sacrifice myself and be that poor little lamb being dragged if it's him dragging me.

If you have stumbled upon my page because of my header - I apologize that there are no images regarding Twilight. and although I LOVE the saga and am a devoted fan, this blog is not dedicated to it. (only when I feel like drooling) but I do thank you for stopping by. And to show my true gratitude, I will leave you with one of my recent favorite pics out there.

I do not remember where I got this from... but I do remember my reaction when I first saw it :O
oh wait - this came from the brilliant, Clever Girl Goes Blog. I'm too lazy to link her blog, but just check her out on the blogs I follow. <<---

So here's to that poster. And here's to the weekend.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

my playlist... for the week

music has and always will be a big deal to me.

I can't say that I am a mainstream follower, but I'm also not an underground junkie. I simply listen to what's on the radio, or if someone suggests a new band, or if I go to a show and the opening band is "bad ass." you get the point.

if I like a song or a beat - I usually run off to download the CD or CDs (to see if its worth buying). Then I download to my ipod, listen to it for about a week. Listen to it while I read the lyrics. I know it seems like a lot, but the beat has to make sense with the lyrics. Let me explain: sometimes you can play a great song... musically. But when you read the lyrics you realize that you've been humming along to a song about a cat chasing a mouse with a mustache. that would automatically turn me off to the song. I love when the music makes sense with the lyrics.
there are exceptions (like everything in life), some songs are all about beats that make you want to get on the dance floor and "shake it" or that keep you going while running at the gym. it usually doesn't matter if they are singing about the girl's badunkadunk as long as it gets your adrenaline going. these songs make it on a certain playlist on my ipod. And its usually a song, not the whole CD that I download.

depending on how the song appeals to my senses, they make it on a certain playlist. for the most part, its my mood that directs what songs go in what playlist. some songs make it on more than one playlist. And sometimes a song just does not fit and it gets the boot.
now to some people this might seem like a lot. - just put the ipod on shuffle and call it a day - but like I stated before, music is a big part of my life. so making playlists that define a day or a moment in my life just makes perfect sense to me.

my current favorite playlist is called "reaching in". this playlist contains songs that do just that; reach deep inside and bring out a sigh or an emotion or something. the songs on this list have a sort of pattern or theme going on throughout them - love - now the love might project as the I-lust-for-you kinda love. the you-make the-sunset-that-much-more-precious kinda love. the why-must-you-make-me-cry kinda love. the you-make-me-want-to-do-crazy-shit kinda love or the there-is-no-one-but-you kinda love. the point is that its about love in some way or another. I know that there are different types of interpretations to lyrics and there might be a chance that the lyricist did not have love in mind with some of these songs. But this is how I have interpreted these songs and this is how they make me feel and since this is my playlist, this is where they are going.
So here I am, sharing. Because you never know, someone out there might be looking for a new band to go download and I just want to do my part.
and yes, they are in a particular order

1. AFI - Prelude 12/21
2. AFI - Endlessly She Said
3. Thursday - Lovesong Writer
4. Brand New - Degausser
5. Deftones - RX Queen
6. The Cure - From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea
7. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
8. Blaqk Audio - Semiotic Love
9. AFI - 37mm
10. Glassjaw - Ape Dos Mil
11. My Chemical Romance - I Don't Love You
12. Incubus - Love Hurts
    
13. Deftones - Cherry Waves
14. Muse - Falling Away With You
    
15. Muse - Time Is Running Out

I hope that at least one song brings a smile to someone else's face besides my own. and if you have any music or playlists to share of your own - please do share. it can be any of your playlists. =)

enjoy the silence/music
-Cin

sisters will always be sisters

I have two different sisters. with two different personalities. and I bond with both the same, but on different levels.

my older sister and I did not have the closest relationship out there. as a matter of fact, I can tell you that we did not bond 100% of the time when she used to live down here. she has a very different personality and outlook on life than I do. I did not really understand her back then, but I see her differently now. I respect her a lot for the simple fact that she is the mother of my two adorable nephews. And because she learned to be the woman that she is on her own. She was pretty much married off at the age of 19. And she had to quickly learn to be a wife. And years later a mother. This makes her a strong person by nature, even though she comes off as being very shy and soft spoken. Although we do not see eye to eye on many things, I know that we get along better now.

then there's my little sister. this is another one that I did not bond with 100% of the time while growing up. As a matter of fact, there are stories told in which I was the culprit that rolled her off the bed when she was a couple of months old. And then there is also the time that I yanked her by the hair and dragged her to her room because she was misbehaving and she managed to claw me with her ginormous nails. (which btw I still have the scar to prove where she ripped skin off with her bare claws) all of that is in the past now. Now, we get along. Now, we can have actual conversations that do not end in physical confrontations. Now, I miss her. Once more, we do not see eye to eye on many things, but we definitely get along better now.

see, the point of this blog is to prove my previous blog. I am definitely growing up. Relationships that were difficult before, have improved. My patience with others has improved. I have learned how to coincide with others in a better fashion.

I have always loved my sisters, even though I did not say it or show it. The difference now is that the bond that I have with them is much stronger. And the respect and understanding for the choices they have made in their lives is greater as well. It doesn't matter if they do not agree with everything that I say or do and vice versa, I love them for who they are.

Maybe getting older is not so bad... maybe
there's still the minor details of getting wrinkly and of bartenders not asking me for my ID.
but the insight into my thoughts and my reasoning is making it all worth while.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

I think that I am older now

Mr. Tortilla Face left last week to his yearly March Madness trip with his friends. The day he left he came to have lunch with me because sometimes he knows how to play the sweet boyfriend/fiance.
when I came back from lunch, I was instantly asked, "aw. do you miss him?" I laughed in my head and answered "no. I just saw him."

the next day, I came in dragging due to my recent episodes of staying up late, and once more I was asked "aw. you look sad. do you miss your tortilla face?" this time I laughed out loud (lol) "no. its barely been a day. I'm just tired. I stayed up late watching the first 48 hours." their reply "aw. you're keeping yourself busy." I smiled politely. I really wasn't missing him. I was just tired.

later on in the day I caught myself saying something that he constantly says and laughed out loud again... to myself. the girls looked at me like they always do when I have jokes that are meant for me only.

"what's so funny?"

"I just caught myself saying "whaaaaat?" like Mr. Tortilla Face says it."

"awwwwww."

cell phone goes off, its his ringtone and they know it.

"awwww. you guys are in sync. its like if he knew you were thinking about him."

polite smile. coincidence. nothing more then that.

Friday rolled around and on this day we only spoke through texting. I went out with Devina, and their just wasn't any time to fit in a phone conversation. I will admit that on that day I missed his face... and the rest that comes with it. Good thing I wasn't at work and I was able to avoid another "awwww."

Saturday came and once more I was busy, this time with JZ. Although I was excited that he was back, the errands I had to run kept me occupied and it didn't cross my mind. he showed up later that night and brought a true smile to my face.

I had missed him, there is no denying it.

I am so used to being around him, that when he takes off every year I freak out. By freak out I mean I get kind of sad and gloomy. Its not a jealousy thing. Its not a trust issue. its just being out of my comfort zone. We spend so much time together that he has become a big part of my comfort zone and when he takes off... I get lonely. This usually leads to me waiting anxiously until he gets back. I wonder when will he call. And I usually don't make plans at night because I do not want to miss his call. pathetic right?
well as time has gone by, I have handled this differently. Each year it has become better and less lonely. This year I simply kept myself busy and enjoyed the time to myself. Although I wasn't really alone, but still.
This new development doesn't mean he can just take off for days at a time. it just means that I can handle it better. I missed him and was still able to remain in my comfort zone. It's all part of growing up and I like this part of aging.

aren't you proud of me? I am!

enjoy the silence
-Cin

money is the root of all that lets me live

ok I have to admit that I once said "money is NOT everything in life. there is so much more." and deep down inside I still have that thought... hidden in there. somewhere.

money is not everything. there is love. loyalty. compassion. family. friendships. birth. hobbies. sigh.

but sometimes, when money fails to exist... it puts a damper on some of the stuff that helps us remain sane. its sad really, but I have come to realize that its all part of life.

ever since I started working, I was left to take care of my own purchases and bills. I have always understood the importance of money. Now with all of the new stuff going on in my life, the importance of prioritizing where my pennies go is something that I have taken on full-hearted.
I have made a budget. I update it as I pay my bills and I give myself a certain amount to play with and set aside a certain amount for certain situations that I know are coming up (like birthdays, trips, etc). So far, I've done ok. When I first started this I realized more closely where my cash was going and how stupidly I was wasting it. Now, I value my pennies.

the "recession" has not hit me directly as of yet. I am truly thankful for that. But with all of the talk about it, I can't help but to be aware and to prepare as a just in case. So I have been saving and watching where my money goes. For once, in a long time I've actually been reviewing what charges are on my bills. I've been cancelling services that I don't even use. And some companies have given me credits on some of these charges. I've given my bank account more cash to hold and I think it likes me for it. If only it would add some zeros to my bank account, then I would be happy. =)

I really hope that this helps in the long run. I am sure it will. How can saving ever be a bad thing? I want to make sure that I don't become a penny pincher, never wanting to waste a dime even if I have some to spare.
I wish money would not rule all of the decisions I make in life. unfortunately, I am not a heiress to a hotel chain, nor am I the next pop star sensation... so in order for me to live a life that I enjoy these are the steps that I have to take for now. because money does help. and having it makes more time away from work possible. and it makes shopping much more enjoyable (although I don't care for too much shopping, the crowds drive me nuts). and it helps bring a bit of ease to every day life when its not a constant reason to argue or cause stress at home.
All of this talk about money makes me want to check my account balance.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

chuck says "hi butt!"

Chuck Norris ... oh this man makes me laugh. the comments made about him. the images that people come up with, like the one I added. And the power that people think his mustache alone possesses. Oh how he makes me laugh.

***

so I'm not much of a religious person. by that I mean, I do not go to church. but, confession: I have been praying a lot lately. by a lot I mean, every day or every other day. Nothing is going on in my life that is different than before. I don't really know why I feel inclined to pray, it's just sort of been happening on its own. I am not complaining. I don't feel like going to church or opening the bible. I just have the need to pray and when I do it feels great.

***

I am starting to stress on the thought of getting a new home (not getting it, but the extra expense that will come with it). it would not be so bad... except that along with it comes the expense of the wedding. and a honeymoon. wow. and in between I have prior engagements that tug at my pocketbook as well. I need to inhale slowly and work out all of the numbers before I start dreaming of bankruptcy.

***

my new favorite saying is "hi butt!" from one of the cell phone companies out there. ha, it makes me think of Mr. Tortilla Face and me. well the relationship we have and how we get along.

***

next weekend is little K's birthday party. I hope I make it on time.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

the Muse is my muse

So I've been listening to the Muse lately. and when I say that I've been listening to them... I mean all of their CDs have been on repeat on my ipod since this past Monday. I simply love Absolution. the Muse makes me think about all sorts of things. and my creative juices start running.

last time we were in the car and Supermassive Black Hole came on, I mentioned to Mr. Tortilla Face "sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just opened the car door while you were driving and I just held on to the door and stuck my feet out and clung onto the door as I ran." he looked at me and said "wtf are you talking about?" I was being honest though. the song put me in a mood that made me want to run, while clinging onto a car that was racing down the freeway. I wasn't going to do it, it just got me in the mood. this is what I mean by it making me think of all sorts of things.

that CD in particular, Absolution makes me want to write. or make a music video. or be a vampire. I can't explain why, but I really love that CD. its great to write when your brain wants to speak. brain farts blow. ha. I made a funny.

so I am giving them props today. thanks for the thoughts and the inspirations. these past 3 days have been productive and relaxing. and if anyone gets the chance, go check them out if you haven't done so yet.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

and then ... there are almost 5.

the deed is done
I cannot believe how it easy it was. my dress is mine. it is petite. it is beautiful. it is mine.
pics will not be posted up because people like Mr. Tortilla Face can access this blog and although I'm not traditional and don't care if he sees the dress, I promised not to show him.


moving along: this weekend was FUN. I did not get to really relax through the weekend, so I've been dragging at work since yesterday. oh well. fun does come with a prize.
its a shame really that this pic came out blurry, but trust me when I tell you that we had fun.

I found out something great this weekend (even though I already knew it, this weekend confirmed it) Mr. Tortilla Face is awesome. In all seriousness, I know I give him a lot of crap and some people still think that I punk him (trust me, yelling does not necessarily equal to being a bitch regardless of what end you are on). But when it boils down to everything - he is amazing. He knows me better than I give him credit for. He trusts me. He loves me for being me. And even when my temper flares, he knows how to calm me down (even though sometimes we have a yelling session before we talk things out). I really do consider myself being lucky for having him in my life. Like my friend Devina recently told me "you want to find a guy that makes you want to become a better person." this is Mr. Tortilla Face. He makes me want to become a better person for MYSELF and helps me with the many challenges in life. He is my best friend. He is my first love. And very soon he will be my husband. thanks honey. I love you.

enjoy the silence

-Cin