bridezilla or loner

I realized last night that I have a lot of stuff to do for the wedding and I have no idea why I haven't done any of it (especially the small stuff). I already know what I want. I pretty much have shopped around and know where to go for what I need, yet I've managed to do nothing about it. I am so used to being a procrastinator and leaving shit until the last minute (I am one of those shoppers running around the mall on Christmas eve), but my gut instinct tells me that I shouldn't procrastinate for this occasion.

In my defense, I know that my procrastination is not the only one to blame - at least not this time.

a lot of it has to do with the lack of motivation. I am very motivated for August to show up and be over with. I am very motivated to get in my dress and prance around like a princess for a day. I am very motivated to start my life as Mrs. Tortilla-Face.

I just don't have any motivation to get anything done because as soon as I start to work on a project: I usually get excited. I show "x" friend or family member or tortilla face. And for the most part, "x" person is not as excited as I am. I know that it's my vision so they may not see things like I do. And I don't expect them to have the same level of excitement as I do. But man... this is my wedding. its a celebration bitches. fake it. anywho - the lack of excitement or interest from certain people just deflates my own motivation.

People have told me "who cares if no one is excited... it's your day!" That is slightly true. Although it might be "my day", I would love it if I could share it with those that matter to me. When those people would rather talk about the economy or the weather, it bums me out. What good is "my day" going to be if the people that matter only want to know when, where, and what's being served?

maybe I am over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion. I admit that drama is sometimes welcomed in my life. And I am not stupid - I know that just because I am getting married, it does not mean that everyone should stop their lives and tend to me 24.7. I just want those that I care for to be there with me.

Whatevs. I'll get over it. Like I always do. For now let me enjoy my moment even if it's one that makes me sad.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

dear kitty: you suck so much it left me speechless

Dear YOU SUCK,

You do not always suck. Key words being “not always.” You definitely have your moments. And you’ve had one recently. Actually, you've had many of these moments recently and they have been accumulating. And what happens when things accumulate and accumulate and never get better??? People end up in the YOU SUCK group. I just wanted you to know that you are currently a member of this group.

So since you suck, and this is my blog, let me just tell you why you suck!

I am not here for you and you only. I have a life. I have people that care about me. There have been many occasions where I put it all to the side for you. This is actually not the issue. I know that this happens because I allow it and I only allow it because you are an important part of my life. Yet it seems that the feeling might not be mutual.
You show up at your convenience. When you have something going on in your life- you want me to be there for you regardless of what is going on with me. But when I search for you and you do not need anything from me, you are only polite and brush me off. I appreciate you being polite, but come on... I am not here for your convenience only.

I am not trying to make this into a “this is all about me” sad and pathetic letter because its not. I know we have our own lives to lead and sometimes we have things we need to take care of that require our time. But that is not a reason to act the way you do. It is supposed to be give and take. But lately, it seems it’s just me giving. And to be honest with you, it’s making me question you and your motives.

What it boils down to is: if you only want me around because you know I will always be there and not because you really care, then just go fuck yourself. I am not here to be used. I do not want to waste my time with people like you. I really can and would rather not have you around to turn my days into bad ones.

Don’t worry. I will never have this conversation with you. Shit, I won’t even give you the cold shoulder to let you know that I am upset. Not because I fear you or because I am chicken shit, but because I am older now. I understand that people like you exist and I have enough self-respect to know that its better to just walk away. I might choose to stick to the SAVOR SILENCE group, but my opinions towards you are loud and clear and they have definitely changed. I will react to your requests much more differently. You will move down my list of people that matter.
One day, you are going to need somebody and realize that you are all alone. That is when it will hit you smack in the face that it was your fault that we went from peanut butter & jelly to peanut butter and mayo.
For now, I will let this go and move along. I would rather focus my time and energy on people that do matter, like Mr. Tortilla Face <3

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i want to choke the tortilla out of your face.. sometimes

I am happy today. My life is moving forward. I have learned ...

scratch all of that out. I was in the best of moods yesterday until I got home. and the beginning of this blog did not match with the day. so lets try this again.

ah mr. tortilla face, how I want to choke you sometimes. I get it, we have different ways of processing information and I am ok with that. but yesterday his thought process was on such a different wave length that it made me wonder about him. I would say... men... but I am not sure if all men are that way. It might just be him, which would mean that I am the luckiest woman in the world. (major sarcasm on that one)

man I love you, but sometimes I wish you could hear the silly words that come out of your mouth. when will you understand that the world does not revolve around you? I just make you think its that way so that you can leave me alone when I want to do what I want to do.

--- back to something more interesting ---

I got an email yesterday from someone of my past. this person was there when I was in my teens, and we were very close. ever since we fell out, we attempted like three times to regain our friendship and it always fell through. now I wonder why again this person is emailing me? maybe its loneliness? maybe its boredom? maybe its being melancholy? I don't know. but for whatever reason, this person has always made me think... a lot.

--- back to my headache also known as Mr. Tortilla Face ---

so yesterday, my mind was heavy with thoughts brought upon by this person's email. and then I get to deal with Mr. Tortilla Face and his nonsense. sigh Needless to say, bad timing. I know that he means no harm, but sometimes the way he goes about things shows that men were definitely created as the less intelligent being. just don't tell him or other men of that small fact. it might turn them gay just so that they can feel smarter. =p

enjoy the silence
-Cin

lame

so pretty much I had this post all nice and done and my computer decided to take a crap on me last night. so instead of typing it all up again, I went to sleep. It has been a long time since I have gone to sleep before 11pm. I woke up this morning all chinky-eyed.
so now a new post
my thoughts from yesterday are simply just that... thoughts of another day. so this blog will most likely be random, but consider it an update if you may.
I have been so busy these days. what with my sister's wedding, her shower, bachelorette party, and my family coming down, as well as soccer and football games - I have not had a lot of time for me. so here is Cin time.

my sister and her family came down last Friday. It was SO good seeing them again. I learned a lot of things from this visit of theirs. some of it I am still unsure of and I am still figuring out. but for the most part, it felt so good seeing them once more. I love my nephews. I know that once I have my own that my attention will be headed my kids' way. But the love I have for my nephews will never be replaced. They really mean a lot to me.
my sister's shower - well let's just say that I dreamt of it differently. I am never satisfied, and I think that is just the Capricorn in me. I like things to be perfect and try to do a lot of it on my own. Sometimes, (especially for party events) it is best to get as much help as possible to avoid unwanted headaches. Now I know for her baby shower! Not that she plans on having kids any time soon - but just in case =)
as for her bachelorette party, it was fun. like seriously, I was a bit apprehensive at first because I was unsure as to how people might take it or react. But I am glad that I chose to enjoy the night away with the ladies like I did. We all had a LOT of fun. Especially my sister.
this Sunday I went to the MLS cup (Columbus vs New York). let me tell you that it was kind of boring. but sitting with the LA Riot Squad section is always a blast. They made the time fly by much faster. One of my favorite parts was when they all broke down into a techno dance when one of the teams scored a goal and the stadium blasted a techno tune. Hilarious.
I have not seen JZ in a while. Our schedules have not criss-crossed. We will though... eventually. I miss JZ.
On the other hand, I have seen a lot more of my other bff BelBivDevoe. We had brunch with another friend. She came to my sister's shower. We've had long conversations about stuff that I cannot remember, but I do remember laughing.
My nephew asked me this weekend "Tia Cindy, do you remember Chiquis?" I swear that I could have cried. Instead I smiled and told him "yes, of course I do. why?" and he replied with, "she used to be my friend." If only he knew that she used to be my friend too...

enjoy the silence folks...
-Cin