to be a cin or not to be

I think I am having a Cin moment. Not really sure what that means, but I am having it.

Although things are good now with being married and all – I am unhappy. It’s not really any one thing that is happening. And it isn’t something someone is doing. It’s just me I guess. Something in me is not content and so it is throwing everything off. And I want to make it better, but I have no idea what it is so nothing is changing.
I suck sometimes.


In other news, I now get to play HGTV and organize the condo how I want it. Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy. I have ideas in my head. Now I just need to see them play out. I think that I will tackle our bedroom first. No wait – the living room. Yes, the living room will be the first thing to be adjusted. Or maybe I will do a combination and tackle them both. My point is that I am itching to get going on it. We will wait and see how it all turns out. Maybe I will post pictures.


People still continue to ask me if things are “different” now that I am married with Mr. Tortilla Face. And even though I tell them "no" with a smile on my face they continue to try to scare me. “ooh, just wait a bit longer and you are going to see how it is to live with him.” “right now you are still at the newlywed stage. Just wait until you realize that he takes smelly shits.” “it is too soon to have an argument with him, but wait until you do. You are going to be glad that you have two bedrooms.”
Honestly people… let it go. Ok so I have never lived with him. And obviously we have to make adjustments. I do not doubt that things will be different, but honestly the transition and the adjustments have taken place and have been painless so far. Nothing has really changed.
His smelly shits – I have never sat in the bathroom with him while he is taking a shit (nor do I ever plan on doing this), but I am sure that if his shit is as smelly as his farts… then I’ve been there and done that.
After the amount of time that we have been together and spent together, we have had our fair share of arguments already. Mr. Tortilla Face has done some stupid stuff in the past (once I threw a tuna sandwich at him because he was acting so awesome), but we worked things out that same day after we cleaned him off of course. So I am more than confident in knowing that if we were to have an argument right now we would treat it just like every other one and talk things out. I do not believe in walking out and away from the situation. I do not plan on changing this now just because there is an extra room. Problems are to be fixed instead of being left up in the air to see if they will solve themselves. Communication is key in all types of relationships. So come on arguments, come join us for a day. I promise to keep the tuna in the can.


enjoy the silence
-Cin

and then there were 2

today is the start of a new era. my ears will no longer bleed.


on to something else... this is my 100th POST.
how exciting right? well to me it is.

so in honor of it being my 100th post, let me just brief over what makes Cin smile:
mr. Toritlla Face
good friends
Disneyland
Edward Cullen
my family for the most part
my nephews with a cherry on top
mr. Tortilla Face (comes in again)
Robert Pattinson (he he he)

and this is what has made up my posts for the most part.
well besides the ones where I just ranted about random bullkaka.
and then the ones where I was moody (or angry) and I thought I was going to strangle someone.

so here is to 100 more. I do not promise to change my style of blog. and I also do not think that I am going to be the next BIG thing. But I do want to say thanks for those that came along. thanks.
and for those that started reading and then thought what the hell is this girl's problem???. well good riddance and good night!!!!!

enjoy the silence
-Cin

LOOK. I'm on HGTV

wow.

so Mr. Tortilla Face has finally realized that a lot of shit is about to go down. (not like in the alley, with knives and bats, just a lot of stuff that we normally do not have on our calendars) I have been telling him over and over again that we are going to get busy very soon, but he never pays attention. and this weekend he said to me

Tortilla: I think I am going to need a calendar.

Me: why is that?

Tortilla: man, I have so much shit lined up, that I need to make sure that I don't agree to do something with someone when I already have stuff going on with others.

Me: hahahah I told you.

Tortilla: I know, but I thought you were just trying to scare me.

so the truth is that we have a lot of stuff lined up. I have June and July only and then all of the planning and all of the headaches will come to an end. Right now, I have to make sure that I get my calendar organized. And then I have to make sure that I follow that calendar. And then I have to make sure that I stay sane in the process.

one thing is for sure, this whole process has allowed me to see a bit more of what kind of person I am. I have learned to be a bit more patient with others. I have learned that I bend over for others sometimes...when I shouldn't bend too much. I have learned that I am stronger and am able to handle a good amount of things on my own. I have learned that I am organized. I have learned that my relationship with Mr. Tortilla Face is awesome. I have also learned to take a step back and have told myself that this is my wedding. The excitement within me is not the same as what is within everyone else. And that is ok. So I do not hold this against anyone. (except for Mr. Tortilla Face... he better be ECSTATIC!!!!!) I just want my closest to be there with me =)

the one thing that is bothering me is the people that are flaking on me. I do not like flakers.
People have known for months when activities will take place, and yet they have made other commitments. People have told me that they want to be included and when I ask if they want to come along to whatever new adventure I have lined up, they already have other stuff planned. so instead of getting upset and getting wrinkles (like a friend of mine said), I simply move on. the organized part inside of me has sent out emails to keep everyone up to date with what is going on. I ask personally if anyone wants to join me. If someone commits or volunteers, then I stand by their word and expect them to be there. I know that sometimes things come up that force you to change your plans, and that is ok. But unless they tell me that the plans have changed, I figure that they will be there. if they flake, then I just move on and go on my adventure by myself. I cannot get mad every time. I cannot pout. I want to enjoy this as much as I can. So I cannot focus too much energy on the flakers. And I don't want to be labeled as a "bridezilla" so I don't make a fuss. BUT I do remember. I do remember who did stick by their word. And that makes a difference in how I view people in my life.

so to those that are flaking on me now please get a calendar. Google offers a great one. Please be like Mr. Tortilla Face and get organized. June and July will probably be busy months for me. And to those that made the commitment to be there ... hint hint: these are the months that you want to make an appearance. I will be ever so grateful. Even if all you are doing is standing around and making me laugh.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

mr nice guy? or mr great guy?

I had a big ol' blog typed up about a whole lotta nothing and I deleted it because I am tight like that. so now this post will be full of a whole lotta crap with some exciting crap added to it.

so today I was reminiscing about some people from my past. not because I miss them or want them back in my life, but because I had a good time with them when they were there. I really do try to take the good times/memories with me so that I can smile about them later.

I used to have this ex-boyfriend in high school that was a really nice guy. really good looking. very shy. beautiful eyes. nice mouth. but he lacked leadership skills. I think this, plus his raging hormones is what turned me off about him.
Still the good times is what I remember - like how he used to let me talk and talk and talk. (although I think a lot of this had to do with him being shy) And when we hung out at school, he was a gentleman and would hold my books. he used to brag to others that I was his girlfriend like if I was a big deal (well I am, but he didn't need to tell the world). He really did make me feel like if I was a nice girl. All of it used to make me smile.
And then we broke up.
I can't remember why. what can I say it was high school But I do remember that we saw each other like 2 years later and I thought to myself - what if we got back together again?

I don't regret the break-up or the fact that I never pursued the question above. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Maybe that nice guy just wasn't meant for me. Obviously he isn't because I have Mr. Tortilla Face and I can't see myself with anyone else.
I do wonder though what kind of person I would be now if I would have stayed with him. that is if we would have lasted after high school I wonder if I would have kids now. I wonder if I would have eventually gotten ... quieter.

ok I am done with the wondering. He was a nice guy and I appreciate the memories given, but when it comes down to it - he was just a stepping stone. Things happened between him and I for a reason. And I might not know what that reason is, but I do know that somehow it led me to Mr. Tortilla Face. Let's face it, he might not be the sweetest guy out there. And I definitely would not classify him as a nice guy. but he is a great guy. And only he knows how to battle me to death and make me smile all in one hour. How could I ask for more?
although a fuller set of lips wouldn't be too much to ask for right? kidding. he knows I love kissing him.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i want to choke the tortilla out of your face.. sometimes

I am happy today. My life is moving forward. I have learned ...

scratch all of that out. I was in the best of moods yesterday until I got home. and the beginning of this blog did not match with the day. so lets try this again.

ah mr. tortilla face, how I want to choke you sometimes. I get it, we have different ways of processing information and I am ok with that. but yesterday his thought process was on such a different wave length that it made me wonder about him. I would say... men... but I am not sure if all men are that way. It might just be him, which would mean that I am the luckiest woman in the world. (major sarcasm on that one)

man I love you, but sometimes I wish you could hear the silly words that come out of your mouth. when will you understand that the world does not revolve around you? I just make you think its that way so that you can leave me alone when I want to do what I want to do.

--- back to something more interesting ---

I got an email yesterday from someone of my past. this person was there when I was in my teens, and we were very close. ever since we fell out, we attempted like three times to regain our friendship and it always fell through. now I wonder why again this person is emailing me? maybe its loneliness? maybe its boredom? maybe its being melancholy? I don't know. but for whatever reason, this person has always made me think... a lot.

--- back to my headache also known as Mr. Tortilla Face ---

so yesterday, my mind was heavy with thoughts brought upon by this person's email. and then I get to deal with Mr. Tortilla Face and his nonsense. sigh Needless to say, bad timing. I know that he means no harm, but sometimes the way he goes about things shows that men were definitely created as the less intelligent being. just don't tell him or other men of that small fact. it might turn them gay just so that they can feel smarter. =p

enjoy the silence
-Cin

I think that I am older now

Mr. Tortilla Face left last week to his yearly March Madness trip with his friends. The day he left he came to have lunch with me because sometimes he knows how to play the sweet boyfriend/fiance.
when I came back from lunch, I was instantly asked, "aw. do you miss him?" I laughed in my head and answered "no. I just saw him."

the next day, I came in dragging due to my recent episodes of staying up late, and once more I was asked "aw. you look sad. do you miss your tortilla face?" this time I laughed out loud (lol) "no. its barely been a day. I'm just tired. I stayed up late watching the first 48 hours." their reply "aw. you're keeping yourself busy." I smiled politely. I really wasn't missing him. I was just tired.

later on in the day I caught myself saying something that he constantly says and laughed out loud again... to myself. the girls looked at me like they always do when I have jokes that are meant for me only.

"what's so funny?"

"I just caught myself saying "whaaaaat?" like Mr. Tortilla Face says it."

"awwwwww."

cell phone goes off, its his ringtone and they know it.

"awwww. you guys are in sync. its like if he knew you were thinking about him."

polite smile. coincidence. nothing more then that.

Friday rolled around and on this day we only spoke through texting. I went out with Devina, and their just wasn't any time to fit in a phone conversation. I will admit that on that day I missed his face... and the rest that comes with it. Good thing I wasn't at work and I was able to avoid another "awwww."

Saturday came and once more I was busy, this time with JZ. Although I was excited that he was back, the errands I had to run kept me occupied and it didn't cross my mind. he showed up later that night and brought a true smile to my face.

I had missed him, there is no denying it.

I am so used to being around him, that when he takes off every year I freak out. By freak out I mean I get kind of sad and gloomy. Its not a jealousy thing. Its not a trust issue. its just being out of my comfort zone. We spend so much time together that he has become a big part of my comfort zone and when he takes off... I get lonely. This usually leads to me waiting anxiously until he gets back. I wonder when will he call. And I usually don't make plans at night because I do not want to miss his call. pathetic right?
well as time has gone by, I have handled this differently. Each year it has become better and less lonely. This year I simply kept myself busy and enjoyed the time to myself. Although I wasn't really alone, but still.
This new development doesn't mean he can just take off for days at a time. it just means that I can handle it better. I missed him and was still able to remain in my comfort zone. It's all part of growing up and I like this part of aging.

aren't you proud of me? I am!

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i've waited hours for this...

I usually try to refrain from talking to others about my personal life with Mr. Tortilla Face because ... well it isn't any one's business. Plus, I really do not like to have my business out in the open. There are a select few that I spill my beans to. This group is small and I prefer it that way. There are others that I give limited information to, which sometimes backfires because people that do not know the background of our relationship do not understand some of my choices.

on Monday, I was having a conversation with someone that falls under the last category. For blogging purposes, we will call her baby momma.
well baby momma was asking me if I was excited about the wedding, and the planning and the moving in together, and etc. (lately, this is all that ladies like talking to me about.) any who, so we were on the subject of moving in together and she made the comment that "things are going to be soooo different when you two move in." this is not the first time that I have heard this comment. As a matter of fact, everyone has told me this... constantly. I am not doubting everyone that has gone through this. I am sure that its hard at times. I just don't think its going to be that bad for Mr. Tortilla Face and myself. You see, we have an advantage over many couples.... we are walking into this new commitment with a history behind us. An extensive history at that. We know each other for over ten years. That is longer than some people have been married. And in my opinion, we are really good together as a couple and probably better than some that are out there and married. (kinda harsh to say, but I am calling it like I see it). This does not mean that we do not have our fall outs. Trust me, we butt heads. But the years behind us, has shown us how to deal with these situations. This is why I have confidence in us. This is why this comment is driving me insane. (only a little bit)

So although I am sure that we will have our days once we are Mr and Mrs., it doesn't scare me. I know that we will push through and survive.

I just hate having to explain this to everyone that keeps warning me. or advising me. or letting me know how it is.

enjoy the silence
-Cin