marichui is my hero

I am mad.

I am happy.

I am sad.

I am excited.

all in a time span of two days.

you might think to yourself "self, Cin is bi-polar."

well guess what self... I'm not. true story. it's just my life.


let me explain.


I am mad at the fact that I have had a headache for about two days now. No, I am not on my period. Yes, I am blaming it on life. I will explain in the "I am sad" section.

I am happy because every time that I do something that is wedding related - like reserve rooms, or buy my name card stuff, or glitter (kidding, there will be no glitter), or sashes for my ladies - it brings a smile to my face. so much stuff has been happening lately, that it has not allowed me to really enjoy the fact that my wedding is slowly, but surely creeping up on me. This once more is life's fault. It throws plenty at you sometimes and keeps you occupied. You tend to forget to smell the roses, or to say "thank you" or "I love you." so recently I have allowed myself those guilty pleasures and have enjoyed those small wedding moments.

and then comes the I am sad part. Life always creeps back into your life to remind you that it is in control and always does it when you think you have things under control. This is where I was at. My grandma has improved tremendously from her surgery. She is almost back to her normal shit-talking self. This week she started chemotherapy. We knew that the tumor had reached her liver, but we were unsure as to how close it really was...until yesterday. Apparently, it has attached itself to her liver and there really isn't much that can be done for her. The doctor has given her 18 months to live. The chemo that is being given to her is only so that the cancer will not reach her pancreas and therefore giving her more time to live. Of course everyone reacts to chemo differently and there have been plenty of people that have lasted longer than the 18 months that they were given. For now, we play the waiting game. The chemo will be given to her as long as her body can take it. If it becomes too much for her, then the chemo sessions will not continue. There is no way she wants to live if she will be suffering. This is where I get mad. Mad at life. Mad that it would do this to her. Mad that I cannot do a thing about it. And then the sadness hits me. I cannot dwell on it, but the thought is there- what if she cannot be there the day I get married?

For now she is here. And she took the first session like a true champ. This is why I am excited. There is hope. There really is. And with that I can share with her the latest step in my life. Soon it will be complete, and when it is I will show her with pride and joy. And I know that she will be there for many more times of joy.

so you see, I am not bi-polar. I am just living life the only way I know how. With a smile on my face. With tears in my eyes. With a fist in the air. And with a knot of butterflies in my stomach.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

i broke the no drinking policy for my mom

ok so I know that I keep saying this, but things have been hectic for me lately.
seriously they have.
with my grandma in the hospital (she is much better, thanks to all that had her in mind. the battle isn't over yet, but we have passed phase 1) anywho, with her being sick and with family functions to deal with and with work and also with the wedding and other stuff that is going on - I have not had one weekend where I get to sit at home and lay in bed and watch TV. just typing that was a mouthful.
I need one of those relaxing weekends quickly. I am running on... actually I don't know where the energy is coming from, but its there and I'm running on it.

since that weekend still hasn't come, let me share what went down this past weekend:
Saturday comes around and I got my mom drunk. You see, the whole family has been under a lot of stress with my grandma in the hospital and all. So now that she is staying at my mom's a lot of the stress has been lifted and my mom was finally able to sigh a breath of relief. Naturally, I did what every good daughter does when their mom needs to blow off some steam - I got her wasted. Well it wasn't me really, Mr. Tortilla Face had a lot to do with it. The point is - she enjoyed herself. This is not something that I normally do, but she had mentioned to me over and over again that she needed to get out of the house. So we picked her up, went to a G's game and rocked the hell out of the HDC. And our team won! Sure she puked a little here and there and she did run in the street trying to escape from us and she also argued with the hot dog man. But it was all clean fun and she didn't even remember half of it the next day.

Then Sunday rolled around and once more instead of staying home and relaxing, I ran out with my good friend Devina and Mr. Tortilla Face and explored this great Japanese restaurant. What's so great about this you ask???? Well, I love seafood. But seafood doesn't love me, specifically fish. Fish gives me a fever and a rash. So whenever someone said, "let's go for sushi!" I would decline and hide under a desk. until this weekend. This weekend I told myself that I have to get my body used to fish again and tried some sushi ... it is now Tuesday and still no sign of a fever or of a rash. yay!!!!!! of course this does not mean that I am back on the fish fan club. I have to take it slow and experiment with different fish to see if the allergy has gone away or if it's just certain fish. but it's a great start.

ok so maybe this might not be as exciting to other people, but to me both of these things mean something. My mom getting wasted was a sign of the whole family being less tense about my grandma's situation. She was the one holding us together, and with her taking a breather it allowed all of us to do the same. And with the fish, well it's not a sigh of relief or anything along those lines, but it was a happy moment for me because I hate limitations. This will allow me to go to different parts of the city that I have avoided in the past and not feel left out when everyone is raging about how great the food is.

and now to another busy weekend. actually, I only have one thing lined up. Sounds kinda boring... so I will have to find something to fill it with. =)

enjoy the silence
-Cin

update: no drinks for Cin

this year has been hectic for me.

as I am sure that it has been for many people.

Whenever I get stuck in a rut, I try to look at things in a positive manner so that I can pick myself back up and move forward. So here is a list of good stuff that has happened to me so far:

I am getting married. enough said.
I have reinforced some of my friendships/relationships and it feels great.
some have fallen apart - and I feel great about that as well.
my family is my family, but when things go down - my family sticks together.
this getting healthy for the future is a great idea.
my first step to a long time goal has been taken.
I am growing up.

I know that the sky can be gray and cloudy sometimes, but I also know that the sun will eventually find a way to shine through.

I have to have faith.
I get scared sometimes of what the future holds for me. But I know that I cannot allow the fear to control me. I have to fight back, be strong, and know that things have a purpose in life like I do. I have to remember all of the positive things/ moments/ people and use their strength as motivation.

so right now, this is where I am. trying to get energy from my friends and family so that I can remain positive and push forward- not only for myself, but for my family, for the future and for Mr. Tortilla Face.

grandma: I wish you could hear all of the prayers said in your name. I love you.

enjoy the silence
-Cin

fbg$

This weekend was great.

But I am tired.

I always forget how big my nephews are until I see them and start talking to them. They are my babies, but they are no longer babies.
My Buddha is so full of life (and ice cream) and although he is a little bad ass, he is a real sweet boy at heart.
PichoPacho on the other hand is just a geek in the making. He likes to learn, conversate, and loves to tell jokes.
Seeing them this weekend made me realize that when I have my kids, my nephews will be older. I wonder if the gap between their ages will allow them to still get along…

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Something happened this weekend that I would have preferred avoiding. My sisters spoke about some issues that they had never discussed before. I knew it was going to eventually happen and I really tried to avoid having to be involved. I was able to avoid being part of the conversation, but the conversation took place with or without me present. My sisters have different views in some aspects of our lives. All three of us do. But theirs are on opposite ends and this difference in opinion has caused a bit of tension. I am proud that my younger sister is handling it like she is. She does not agree with my older sister, but she is actually handling like an adult. My older sister is simply stating what she feels, which is something that is usually hard for her to do. And I am just in the middle - listening and trying to be supportive to both sides (even though I have an opinion of my own that is different from both of theirs).
Although there is no hair pulling and curse words being thrown around – I know that there is tension. I just don’t want it to end on a bad note. And I definitely do not want to be put on the spot where I would have to choose.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

So a pastor is taking his puppy (Pete) for his daily run. Pete happens to be a boxer mixed with pit bull and when you look at him you think HOLY CRAP LET’S GO THE OTHER WAY (and not holy because it’s the pastor’s dog, but holy because he looks intimidating for a puppy). any who – so he is running with his massive puppy, Pete, when a small dog runs up to them and starts barking and barking. (it's always the small ones that start shit) Pete looks at the small dog and tries to get away. The small dog keeps chasing Pete and starts snapping at his legs trying to bite him. Pete keeps lifting his legs trying his hardest to dodge the small dog and its bite. The pastor then starts to freak out. What is he going to do? What if this small dog keeps trying to bite Pete and Pete gets tired of it and bites it? There is no way that the small dog would stand a chance of surviving. So the pastor decides to do the only thing he can think of doing to help Pete, his sanity, and the life of the small dog--and he kicks the small dog across the street. The deed is done. The small dog stays on his side of the street. The pastor continues on his daily run with Pete and although the small dog that doesn’t know it yet, his life was saved that day.

Buddha and PichoPacho

this little man is my nephew Benjamin. He is my little buddha. He is the youngest of my nephews at 3 years old. Let me tell you something about this little booger - he is personality. personality. personality. he has this look about him that makes you think "aw. how cute!" but once his mind and his mouth get going - get outta the way, because he turns into Captain Jack Sparrow or Darth Vader (whatever movie he happens to be into at the time). he is so animated. at first he refused to talk. he just wanted to do his own thing. Then it seems as if though he decided he was ready to be a big boy and just started being part of conversations. He definitely does not have a problem telling you "NO!" or "I don't love you anymore!" He is the youngest, but runs the household without a problem. And even though he is a firecracker ready to go off... he is soooo loving. he always gives me kisses and tells me that he loves me. He gives me hugs. Wakes me up to a good morning kiss. Tells me "don't worry tia Cindy, I will help you!" I love my buddha.




and now my PichoPacho. this is my first nephew Eric. Ben's older brother. In case you are wondering which one he is, he is the Michael Phelps Jr that is jumping off! ok. ok. so maybe this is not a close up picture and you are not able to see how handsome he is. But I chose this picture because it reminds me so much of the little man that he is. He LOVES sports. Soccer is his love. when he was young, he knew players just by seeing what jersey they were wearing. And he couldn't read at 2, so its not like if he was reading the names on the back. Swimming is his latest thing. And let me tell you, he is pretty good at it. He keeps advancing level to level without a problem. In his last class he was amongst 10 year olds. This is who he is. He likes to venture into things that help him gain knowledge and grow. He has always been really quick on picking up on new things. He loves learning stuff that have to do with dinosaurs, astronomy, and sports. He is smart, funny, and shy. He LOVES his Tia Cindy and he definitely tries very hard to please me. Having a conversation with him is now very entertaining, especially since he contributes to it very well. And his smile... I love his smile. It lights up his beautiful eyes. I love my Picho Pacho.

these are my boys. Even after I have my own... these two will still be my boys. if they only knew how much they helped me years ago to get out of a rut I was in. this is only one of the reasons why they mean so much to me.

enjoy the silence

-Cin

how much is that doggie in the window

this is my mammas, Chiquita, or Chiquis like most of us called her. We had Chiquis ever since she was 6 weeks old. She was a tiny, brown fur ball that fit perfectly into our palms. She easily made her way into our hearts. On May 27th, she passed away. She was 14 years old. She had lived a long and happy life with us. She left a lot of fond memories along with a void in my heart.

This fella is Comet. He is a golden retriever that we rescued from a shelter a bit before Chiquis passed away. They were able to hang out and become friends. We had had a Labrador retriever before him, Blackie (I cannot find a pic at the time). So we were used to this breed. Both Blackie and Comet have proven to be very smart and loving. Although it has only been a short time with him, he has proven to be my puppy =) He is currently attending training classes because he is a bit hyper and was getting out of hand for a while. Now he is starting to act like a true gentle pup.

And now our newest addition. This little lady is Minnie. She is a Pomeranian mixed with Chihuahua. She is not really the family's dog - she belongs to my sister Steph. Her colors are crazy. She has swirls of colors here and there and seems to have the face of a hyena. I have to admit that Chihuahas are not my choice in dogs, but she is simply adorable. She is a true lady in personality, always trying to run the house.

Why did I post about our pets? These little critters are not just pets in our family. They are members of the family and we are more then attached to them. When Chiquis died, we all grieved. When Comet improves we all praise him. When Minnie craves for attention, we all give it to her. They are like our siblings and we love them dearly. This is why I chose to share this. When Chiquis passed, I wanted to find another puppy to fill the void she had left. But as time passed, I realized that this was not possible. Chiquis would never be replaced. So I stopped thinking about it until recently. Now I want another puppy for my own. Everytime I see one available I want to take it home without thinking twice. Maybe I just need to have a kid already =P For now, this is put on the back burner. I have other things I need to take care of first before I get a new puppy. I love my pets, past and present.

*** no disrespect intended to Rocky and Blackie by not mentioning them. I did not have a picture on this computer for me to show properly. I promise to update once I get one.

enjoy the silence -

Cin