contrary to popular belief... I love to give and receive affection
I really do not know why people doubt that I am the affectionate type and why I feel the need to have to defend my ability to give and receive affection. yet I do it plenty of times (look at me now, I am even blogging about it)
I have heard on many occasions from friends and even family that I do not seem like the type that likes it.
My sister once told me that she knows that I don't like to show my emotions, so that is why she is reserved with me. yet, this same sister gets in bed with me to watch television and calls me her "hermanita" in baby talk. And this is the same sister that gave me a hug just the other day because we had not seen each other in a good while even though we live so close. And we said "hey... " in excitement because we finally hung out. its a bit trickier with family because in a way its a given that I love them. still, I know that its nice to hear it sometimes. so since we are not the verbal type in my family - I show it. or at least I think I show it.
With some of my friends, I do not know whether I should give them a hug when I haven't seen them in a long time because some of them seem standoffish. And although its what I intend to do, its hard to try to get a reading on their body language while going in for the hug and then pulling back if they seem weirded out by the embrace. by then it all seems awkward to hug. Sometimes I feel like saying "man, I've missed you." (although my friend might not necessarily be a man) and all that comes out is "hey! I haven't talked to you in a while." once more, I hold back because I do not know how they will take it.
in reality, I love showing people that I care. Even if its in my style - subtle. I like to do those little things that I know will let my friends or family know that I pay attention. And I love when people appreciate me in their life.
maybe if I do less shit-talking people will see that deep down inside I am a cuddly care bear that loves to share rainbows and smiles. ok maybe not that far, but I really do like showing and receiving affection. Well, considering that my ability to talk shit will probably not end any time soon - I guess that for now I will just have to continue proving my affection-giving abilities.
enjoy the silence (what the heck, enjoy an Internet hug from me as well)
-Cin
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
and the winner is...
I have come to a sudden realization that I am going to get married.
I knew it all along.
I wear the ring every day.
but it has FINALLY hit me.
I am going to be buying my dress this weekend. can you believe that? this is huge. for me, this is the real first step (although I already have put down deposits for the ceremony and the reception locations). I think the dress is a bit more close to home because this is something that I am going to be wearing. And just knowing that I am going to go and try it on and buy it just blows my mind. This is really going to happen.
***
leadership is not just a title. it is a quality that not everyone posseses. and for those that think that they have it - check your followers. how strong is the following? and how loyal are they?
***
JZ you are a great friend. I appreciate everything that you have done and who you are.
***
I am happy today.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
I knew it all along.
I wear the ring every day.
but it has FINALLY hit me.
I am going to be buying my dress this weekend. can you believe that? this is huge. for me, this is the real first step (although I already have put down deposits for the ceremony and the reception locations). I think the dress is a bit more close to home because this is something that I am going to be wearing. And just knowing that I am going to go and try it on and buy it just blows my mind. This is really going to happen.
***
leadership is not just a title. it is a quality that not everyone posseses. and for those that think that they have it - check your followers. how strong is the following? and how loyal are they?
***
JZ you are a great friend. I appreciate everything that you have done and who you are.
***
I am happy today.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
i've waited hours for this...
I usually try to refrain from talking to others about my personal life with Mr. Tortilla Face because ... well it isn't any one's business. Plus, I really do not like to have my business out in the open. There are a select few that I spill my beans to. This group is small and I prefer it that way. There are others that I give limited information to, which sometimes backfires because people that do not know the background of our relationship do not understand some of my choices.
on Monday, I was having a conversation with someone that falls under the last category. For blogging purposes, we will call her baby momma.
well baby momma was asking me if I was excited about the wedding, and the planning and the moving in together, and etc. (lately, this is all that ladies like talking to me about.) any who, so we were on the subject of moving in together and she made the comment that "things are going to be soooo different when you two move in." this is not the first time that I have heard this comment. As a matter of fact, everyone has told me this... constantly. I am not doubting everyone that has gone through this. I am sure that its hard at times. I just don't think its going to be that bad for Mr. Tortilla Face and myself. You see, we have an advantage over many couples.... we are walking into this new commitment with a history behind us. An extensive history at that. We know each other for over ten years. That is longer than some people have been married. And in my opinion, we are really good together as a couple and probably better than some that are out there and married. (kinda harsh to say, but I am calling it like I see it). This does not mean that we do not have our fall outs. Trust me, we butt heads. But the years behind us, has shown us how to deal with these situations. This is why I have confidence in us. This is why this comment is driving me insane. (only a little bit)
So although I am sure that we will have our days once we are Mr and Mrs., it doesn't scare me. I know that we will push through and survive.
I just hate having to explain this to everyone that keeps warning me. or advising me. or letting me know how it is.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
on Monday, I was having a conversation with someone that falls under the last category. For blogging purposes, we will call her baby momma.
well baby momma was asking me if I was excited about the wedding, and the planning and the moving in together, and etc. (lately, this is all that ladies like talking to me about.) any who, so we were on the subject of moving in together and she made the comment that "things are going to be soooo different when you two move in." this is not the first time that I have heard this comment. As a matter of fact, everyone has told me this... constantly. I am not doubting everyone that has gone through this. I am sure that its hard at times. I just don't think its going to be that bad for Mr. Tortilla Face and myself. You see, we have an advantage over many couples.... we are walking into this new commitment with a history behind us. An extensive history at that. We know each other for over ten years. That is longer than some people have been married. And in my opinion, we are really good together as a couple and probably better than some that are out there and married. (kinda harsh to say, but I am calling it like I see it). This does not mean that we do not have our fall outs. Trust me, we butt heads. But the years behind us, has shown us how to deal with these situations. This is why I have confidence in us. This is why this comment is driving me insane. (only a little bit)
So although I am sure that we will have our days once we are Mr and Mrs., it doesn't scare me. I know that we will push through and survive.
I just hate having to explain this to everyone that keeps warning me. or advising me. or letting me know how it is.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
rants are great
I have come to the conclusion that when you are supposed to have a bad day - you are destined to have a bad day. It doesn't matter what you do to try to improve it. Or what positive energy goes your way. Sometimes you are just going to have a bad day. Its ok really. Simply cry yourself to sleep and wake up the next day hoping that the day will be a better one.
***
You know how comedians always joke about how once a couple gets married, the wife decides to get greedy with the puntang (and yes I had to use that word. as vulgar as it sounds, it has a nice ring to it). Any who, so the wife puts a lock on the panties. And then the pooooor husband cries like the horny bastard that he is. .Well I think that is a cover up. And it all boils down to men being the cause that women get confused and end up on shows like Snapped.
I see it this way, and please try to follow along because I am trying to type as quickly as my thoughts are racing:
1. in the dating stage, a man finds a woman attractive and wants to sleep with her.
2. although he will take it if she gives it up quickly, he prefers the challenge. this is why some women play hard to get.
3. if you play too hard to get, then he gets bored and loses interest. (unless he is completely head over heels for you, yes there are exceptions to everything)
4. once you get married he wants you all the time. I mean you two are now bound by law and by law he wants what is rightfully his.
5. after a while, it slows down. he doesn't want it as often because he has grown used to the fact that this woman will always be there. the urgency to sleep with you is slowly diminishing.
6. for the most part, the man starts approaching his wife when he wants to. lets face it. we are human. we have human needs. and unless he is in high school, his needs have slowed down a bit.
7. some men expect their wives to spread eagle on command. (once more- sorry for the vulgarity, but I am on a roll) he feels that since she is the wife, she has to fulfill her duty.
8. if the wife plays hard to get, his interest sparks. he starts trying once more to get into those panties - that technically - by law, are bound to him. well not the panties, but what is in them. (see my number 2)
9. if she plays too hard to get he goes to the hooker on Long Beach Blvd or gives his dollars to the stripper at the Spearmint.
10. remember ladies, you can be classy, sophisticated, educated, and lady-like outside of the bedroom. but once its just you and him alone - then its ok to let the hair loose and be dirty, nasty, kinky, and all of the etcs.
so what does this all mean??? men, stop trying to say that we stop giving it up. you prefer if we turn you down SOMETIMES. if we were so willing, then you would find us boring and outdated.
and women, make it interesting. although it is nice to be spontaneous and initiate every now and then, don't always take on this role. and please do NOT throw yourself to them. he chose you for a reason. remind him of what it was by making him work for it, even if the ring is already on your finger.
please do not read too much into this. although I believe that sex is important in a relationship, I feel that couples that have a great friendship are the ones that will survive even on the worst days.
***
I first thought to myself.. "self, you should blog." I never knew what to blog about. I just knew that I wanted to do it. And so far my blog has proven to be about as random as I am. I don't really have a themed blog. I kinda just blog about what is current in my life and in my head. Which for the most part is too much for my mind to handle, let alone this blog. So here is to me. And my random blogs. And my random thoughts. And my random life.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
***
You know how comedians always joke about how once a couple gets married, the wife decides to get greedy with the puntang (and yes I had to use that word. as vulgar as it sounds, it has a nice ring to it). Any who, so the wife puts a lock on the panties. And then the pooooor husband cries like the horny bastard that he is. .Well I think that is a cover up. And it all boils down to men being the cause that women get confused and end up on shows like Snapped.
I see it this way, and please try to follow along because I am trying to type as quickly as my thoughts are racing:
1. in the dating stage, a man finds a woman attractive and wants to sleep with her.
2. although he will take it if she gives it up quickly, he prefers the challenge. this is why some women play hard to get.
3. if you play too hard to get, then he gets bored and loses interest. (unless he is completely head over heels for you, yes there are exceptions to everything)
4. once you get married he wants you all the time. I mean you two are now bound by law and by law he wants what is rightfully his.
5. after a while, it slows down. he doesn't want it as often because he has grown used to the fact that this woman will always be there. the urgency to sleep with you is slowly diminishing.
6. for the most part, the man starts approaching his wife when he wants to. lets face it. we are human. we have human needs. and unless he is in high school, his needs have slowed down a bit.
7. some men expect their wives to spread eagle on command. (once more- sorry for the vulgarity, but I am on a roll) he feels that since she is the wife, she has to fulfill her duty.
8. if the wife plays hard to get, his interest sparks. he starts trying once more to get into those panties - that technically - by law, are bound to him. well not the panties, but what is in them. (see my number 2)
9. if she plays too hard to get he goes to the hooker on Long Beach Blvd or gives his dollars to the stripper at the Spearmint.
10. remember ladies, you can be classy, sophisticated, educated, and lady-like outside of the bedroom. but once its just you and him alone - then its ok to let the hair loose and be dirty, nasty, kinky, and all of the etcs.
so what does this all mean??? men, stop trying to say that we stop giving it up. you prefer if we turn you down SOMETIMES. if we were so willing, then you would find us boring and outdated.
and women, make it interesting. although it is nice to be spontaneous and initiate every now and then, don't always take on this role. and please do NOT throw yourself to them. he chose you for a reason. remind him of what it was by making him work for it, even if the ring is already on your finger.
please do not read too much into this. although I believe that sex is important in a relationship, I feel that couples that have a great friendship are the ones that will survive even on the worst days.
***
I first thought to myself.. "self, you should blog." I never knew what to blog about. I just knew that I wanted to do it. And so far my blog has proven to be about as random as I am. I don't really have a themed blog. I kinda just blog about what is current in my life and in my head. Which for the most part is too much for my mind to handle, let alone this blog. So here is to me. And my random blogs. And my random thoughts. And my random life.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
and then there were 5...
I am frustrated this morning. I want to blog about it, but then I don’t. So why mention it? … because its my blog and I can if I want to. =p
Ok enough with me being a brat.
So something that is going on with me is not right at the moment. A good friend of mine and I are not talking. I don’t know where she stands or how she feels. I don’t know what is going on in her head. She has not even talked to me.
I know where I stand. I know how I feel (besides confused). And I actually took the first step and reached out to her. Unfortunately, I don’t know how she felt about it because of the whole not speaking to me part.
I am trying my hardest to give my friend time. I know that that is usually what is suggested. “just give them time. they'll come around” And although I am trying… this is not who I am. I don’t like for issues to be left unsolved. I like for things to be talked out. I like for problems to be solved. Even if the solution is not the one that you prefer. It is still a solution. When I am left to “give time” it usually results in me sulking and over thinking everything. I end up frustrated. And the frustration brings out sadness and anger. So although I am giving my friend time, it is really bothering me.
So here I am. Thinking. Frustrated. Wondering. Sad. Sick (yes… I am getting another cold, apparently the last one I had that lasted 3 weeks was not enough). And for once, the silence is not a good one. I am not enjoying it one bit.
sigh so I guess I will just have to distract myself with other stuff. Like where to go for our honeymoon! Yay. Sorta. But no not really.
Enjoy the silence (or don’t)
-Cin
Ok enough with me being a brat.
So something that is going on with me is not right at the moment. A good friend of mine and I are not talking. I don’t know where she stands or how she feels. I don’t know what is going on in her head. She has not even talked to me.
I know where I stand. I know how I feel (besides confused). And I actually took the first step and reached out to her. Unfortunately, I don’t know how she felt about it because of the whole not speaking to me part.
I am trying my hardest to give my friend time. I know that that is usually what is suggested. “just give them time. they'll come around” And although I am trying… this is not who I am. I don’t like for issues to be left unsolved. I like for things to be talked out. I like for problems to be solved. Even if the solution is not the one that you prefer. It is still a solution. When I am left to “give time” it usually results in me sulking and over thinking everything. I end up frustrated. And the frustration brings out sadness and anger. So although I am giving my friend time, it is really bothering me.
So here I am. Thinking. Frustrated. Wondering. Sad. Sick (yes… I am getting another cold, apparently the last one I had that lasted 3 weeks was not enough). And for once, the silence is not a good one. I am not enjoying it one bit.
sigh so I guess I will just have to distract myself with other stuff. Like where to go for our honeymoon! Yay. Sorta. But no not really.
Enjoy the silence (or don’t)
-Cin
Monday, February 9, 2009
6 more months to go. Crazy right? People ask me constantly if I have the jitters or if the butterflies are driving me nuts already. The truth is – no. I am more than excited at what is coming, but the nerves are still in hide mode. I think that they will show up on the day of.
I have never dreamt of my wedding day. I was not that little girl that would play the bride role let alone the wife role with my friends. I have never imagined myself in my fantasy dress. I don't even have a fantasy dress. I have never pictured how it would all play out. Maybe this is why I am not a ball of nerves. Is this wrong? Is something wrong with me for not caring and dreaming about these things? I mean it is going to be a once in a lifetime deal. I should care right??? I should be nervous and worried and starting to stress.
But I’m not.
This day is truly very important to me. And this day will be amazing. But to me, the part that is important is the commitment being made on that day. Not the amount of flowers, or how tall my cake was. All of the extra things will make the day more memorable, but in the end… what I will remember the most is how we made that commitment to each other. The way he looked at me. Our first kiss as husband and wife.
And beautiful bouquets will make my pictures stand out – but they will not give more meaning to his words.
So nerves… I await your company. I welcome the challenge. Just please … if you do show up on the day of, can you make sure you do not bring nausea and sweaty palms with you. I would really appreciate it.
Enjoy the silence
-Cin
I have never dreamt of my wedding day. I was not that little girl that would play the bride role let alone the wife role with my friends. I have never imagined myself in my fantasy dress. I don't even have a fantasy dress. I have never pictured how it would all play out. Maybe this is why I am not a ball of nerves. Is this wrong? Is something wrong with me for not caring and dreaming about these things? I mean it is going to be a once in a lifetime deal. I should care right??? I should be nervous and worried and starting to stress.
But I’m not.
This day is truly very important to me. And this day will be amazing. But to me, the part that is important is the commitment being made on that day. Not the amount of flowers, or how tall my cake was. All of the extra things will make the day more memorable, but in the end… what I will remember the most is how we made that commitment to each other. The way he looked at me. Our first kiss as husband and wife.
And beautiful bouquets will make my pictures stand out – but they will not give more meaning to his words.
So nerves… I await your company. I welcome the challenge. Just please … if you do show up on the day of, can you make sure you do not bring nausea and sweaty palms with you. I would really appreciate it.
Enjoy the silence
-Cin
Friday, February 6, 2009
when you are young... you live this fantasy life. you come up with an image of how things are supposed to work out. you look at adults and their actions and think "silly grown-ups. I'm going to do it so much better." in your mind you have set up how great you will be as a wife/ husband/ parent. you have convinced yourself that you will know how to multi-task better than anyone in the history of multi-tasking and things will run smoothly.
and then you become one of these silly grown-ups. and life changes.
reality sets in and it does not hold back on how harsh life can sometimes be. sometimes even when you have plans, reality and life like to play around and change your plans. all of those fantasies that you used to have - out the window.
now don't get me wrong... I am not saying that you grow up and your dreams will never come true. I am just saying that reality and fantasy are very different. And for the most part, you cannot mistaken living in both. Unless you live in a padded room of course. But for the most part, your fantasies remain just that - images and dreams that you had as a kid of what life was going to be like.
life forces you to set priorities. It forces you to choose and make goals. It forces you to start your life in a way that does not necessarily play out how you wanted it to. it shoves reality in front of you when you search for a new home and realize that they do not all come with a white picket fence. or when you apply for a new job and realize that it does not automatically make you a millionaire.
this is where I am at right now. actually, I have been here for a while now. I am on stepping stones to a life I imagined when I was younger. and some of these stepping stones are jagged and uncomfortable, but I am pushing through because although I am a silly adult now... inside of me lives that kid that loves to dream and that fantasizes on a different life. the kid in me is what keeps me going and pushes me to want more out of this life, while the adult I have become reminds me that reality forces you to take things one at a time in order to survive life.
Although I think its a great balance to have... I don't ever want that kid to fade. If it's gone - then I fear living life as a robot on day to day routine that many of us already follow and with no dreams to pursue.
So don't let that kid fade. Keep your dreams alive. And push each day. Dream each day.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
and then you become one of these silly grown-ups. and life changes.
reality sets in and it does not hold back on how harsh life can sometimes be. sometimes even when you have plans, reality and life like to play around and change your plans. all of those fantasies that you used to have - out the window.
now don't get me wrong... I am not saying that you grow up and your dreams will never come true. I am just saying that reality and fantasy are very different. And for the most part, you cannot mistaken living in both. Unless you live in a padded room of course. But for the most part, your fantasies remain just that - images and dreams that you had as a kid of what life was going to be like.
life forces you to set priorities. It forces you to choose and make goals. It forces you to start your life in a way that does not necessarily play out how you wanted it to. it shoves reality in front of you when you search for a new home and realize that they do not all come with a white picket fence. or when you apply for a new job and realize that it does not automatically make you a millionaire.
this is where I am at right now. actually, I have been here for a while now. I am on stepping stones to a life I imagined when I was younger. and some of these stepping stones are jagged and uncomfortable, but I am pushing through because although I am a silly adult now... inside of me lives that kid that loves to dream and that fantasizes on a different life. the kid in me is what keeps me going and pushes me to want more out of this life, while the adult I have become reminds me that reality forces you to take things one at a time in order to survive life.
Although I think its a great balance to have... I don't ever want that kid to fade. If it's gone - then I fear living life as a robot on day to day routine that many of us already follow and with no dreams to pursue.
So don't let that kid fade. Keep your dreams alive. And push each day. Dream each day.
enjoy the silence
-Cin
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