marichui is my hero

I am mad.

I am happy.

I am sad.

I am excited.

all in a time span of two days.

you might think to yourself "self, Cin is bi-polar."

well guess what self... I'm not. true story. it's just my life.


let me explain.


I am mad at the fact that I have had a headache for about two days now. No, I am not on my period. Yes, I am blaming it on life. I will explain in the "I am sad" section.

I am happy because every time that I do something that is wedding related - like reserve rooms, or buy my name card stuff, or glitter (kidding, there will be no glitter), or sashes for my ladies - it brings a smile to my face. so much stuff has been happening lately, that it has not allowed me to really enjoy the fact that my wedding is slowly, but surely creeping up on me. This once more is life's fault. It throws plenty at you sometimes and keeps you occupied. You tend to forget to smell the roses, or to say "thank you" or "I love you." so recently I have allowed myself those guilty pleasures and have enjoyed those small wedding moments.

and then comes the I am sad part. Life always creeps back into your life to remind you that it is in control and always does it when you think you have things under control. This is where I was at. My grandma has improved tremendously from her surgery. She is almost back to her normal shit-talking self. This week she started chemotherapy. We knew that the tumor had reached her liver, but we were unsure as to how close it really was...until yesterday. Apparently, it has attached itself to her liver and there really isn't much that can be done for her. The doctor has given her 18 months to live. The chemo that is being given to her is only so that the cancer will not reach her pancreas and therefore giving her more time to live. Of course everyone reacts to chemo differently and there have been plenty of people that have lasted longer than the 18 months that they were given. For now, we play the waiting game. The chemo will be given to her as long as her body can take it. If it becomes too much for her, then the chemo sessions will not continue. There is no way she wants to live if she will be suffering. This is where I get mad. Mad at life. Mad that it would do this to her. Mad that I cannot do a thing about it. And then the sadness hits me. I cannot dwell on it, but the thought is there- what if she cannot be there the day I get married?

For now she is here. And she took the first session like a true champ. This is why I am excited. There is hope. There really is. And with that I can share with her the latest step in my life. Soon it will be complete, and when it is I will show her with pride and joy. And I know that she will be there for many more times of joy.

so you see, I am not bi-polar. I am just living life the only way I know how. With a smile on my face. With tears in my eyes. With a fist in the air. And with a knot of butterflies in my stomach.

enjoy the silence
-Cin