a letter to an old friend

long lost letter written to a friend. last paragraph was added today:

do you remember the day we first met? I was so scared that people would not like me. That I would not fit in. I knew that I was either going to be liked by others or I was going to dig a hole to hide in for the rest of my life. I wanted to be accepted by not only my peers and friends, but by my family as well. I came to you asking what did I have to do to ensure that this would always be the case. I knew that you would have the answers I was searching for. You told me that it did not matter what others thought. That I had to love myself first before anyone could see what a great person I really was. Or else, all they would see is someone miserable. And although misery loves company - not everyone enjoys it's company. I was confused. That was not exactly what I wanted to hear at the time. All I heard was you telling me that I was a great person. And that is what I chose to walk away with as your advice. I didn't know that you told me this only because you loved me unconditionally, regardless of my flaws and weaknesses.
so there I was... scared, naive, but ready to venture out into this world that was ready to swallow me whole. I felt so strong. I felt ready to take on any challenge. Times were hard. I had some highs, but I definitely had a lot of lows. I got hurt so many times along the way. People that I never thought would hurt me, did. So many that I thought were my friends, turned their backs on me. And many that I had been loyal to, forgot about me. And there I was again. scared and this time...alone. I thought you said I was a great person? I came back to you once more, puzzled, angry, in need of answers. Why did you tell me these lies!?!?!?!? Why did I feel lonely, even when friends were around? Like always you had a reply. You told me that I had failed to really listen to you. You told me that I had failed in loving myself. I had gotten so caught up with trying to impress everyone else. And trying to make sure everyone else was happy, that I forgot about the most important person - myself. You asked me how can I make someone else happy, when inside I was still the same person I was back when we first talked. I was trying to figure out what my self-worth was. And I cried for the first time in front of someone. I let it all out. So much time had passed. So many faces and names had come and gone. How can I recover all of those losses? Was I forsaken to a life that contained solitude?
And you reached out to me and gripped my hand tightly. You told me that it was true that so much time had passed. And that it was true that I had not followed your advice and had gone off the path. there was no more going back - only forward. But you told me there was still hope. You assured me that there was still time. Once more, I asked what could I do. And your answer was the same as before.
This time I walked away with my tears gone and my head high. If after all of this time you still had that much faith in me, then I knew that there had to be truth behind your words. I pushed myself. I improved on my day to day routine to become a better person. And each time something bad came along, I would make the best of it and push forward. As time passed it became easier to maintain friendships and relationships because I had realized who I really was and I was comfortable with that person.
After many years had passed, the one thing that remained constant in my life was my relationship with you. I knew that I could always turn to you for help and support. You never turned your back on me. You were never too busy for me. And one day I asked you, why was I so lucky to have you in my life? Your reply was simple. You said that you always knew that I was this great person. And that once I allowed you into my life, you knew you could never give up on me. And this is why you were always by my side. Even when I was at my lowest. Once more I cried. I was indeed lucky to have such a great friend.
And now- after many more years have been added to our friendship - I am once more in need of your calm and comforting words. Please help me find that peace within myself that I have been searching for recently. Please help me get a grip on my constant battles. If anyone can help me, it's you. For I know now that I am only a great person because of you and all you have done for me. This is why if anyone can help me get rid of these tears - it will be you. And until the day I die, the one constant thing in my life will always be you and your unconditional love for me. That on its own brings a bit of ease to my restless mind. Thank you.

enjoy the silence -

Cin